Fall in Love Friday
Category Archives: year of dating fearlessly
Gone Boy Crazy
Pretty can be prickly
I don’t know if it’s the warmer temps, the unstructured days, or the fact I’ve gotten actual sleep, but I’ve gone doggone boy crazy! I see handsome men everywhere I go. I’m smiling & giggling (to myself) like a silly lil school girl, I can’t help it! I’ve even noticed getting more help in the grocery store from the attentive stock boys & extra shots of espresso from the handsome baristas…a girl could get used to this.
There’s a lot of change swirling about in my life these days (all good) & I think its shook off some of the dust that has settled in over these past couple of years. With these past two weeks free from work, my social calendar has kicked up a few notches & I owe you stories featuring a handful of suitors…BUT I cannot wait to share this story, so pardon me while I skip ahead to yesterday’s whirlwind romance…
It all started a coupla weeks ago while playing the game of Tinder. I swiped right. He swiped right.
And within minutes a message from him. “Oh, a live one” I thought…I’ve found on my recent return back to the dating app, that while the matches may be plenty, the man who actually makes the initial move is a rare breed. And as a lady who likes her men to take the lead, I always engage with those bold enough to muster the first “hi”.
This one, ooooh let’s call him Mr. Tenacious (Mr. T), sends his hello, quickly followed up with an invite to go shoot pool in NoHo right then. I look at the clock, it’s 11:30 pm on a Sunday. Sure, I’m not doing anything besides swiping my evening away, but I wonder ~ does he really mean ‘let’s go shoot some pool’ or is that some euphemism for sex these days (balls, sticks, holes…I don’t know??) I end up ignoring the invite, pretty much wanting to nip the late night impromptu suggestions in the bud.
I know from his profile he’s a road manager for rock bands, so its safe to assume he’s a night owl. The next morning I wake to find a message flashing in my inbox. It was Mr. T apologizing. He hadn’t realized the time when he messaged & wanted to wish me a good day. Ok, so maybe he is a cool guy who’s body clock is off & who better to understand that than this gal, fresh off of 2 months of night work.
I decide to give him a chance & we message back & forth lil notes, nothing earth shattering, over the next couple of days until he hits the road with work for a week. Cut to this week, guess who’s back from Cleveland? You got it!
The ‘dip the toe in’ messages began ~ “good morning”, “good evening”, nothing of substance. I quickly tire of this & having to log-in to the app to converse, so I send him my phone number…sometimes you win with this, sometimes you wish you had a 2nd line for your potential suitors. The giving of the numbers occurred about 10am yesterday. By noon he called, no voice message, but was followed by a text to say he had called…gotcha! He asked “you working now?”
I was in the middle of a project & responded a couple of hours later & sillily mentioned my work got pushed by a couple of days. Ten minutes pass. My phone rings, its him. I answer. “Lattes. You. Me. Now”
Ummmmm…hmmmmmm latte with a fly by the seat of your pants type of guy or laundry at the laundromat on a hot afternoon??? This hopeful romantic, caffeine-addict said yes.
Turns our Mr. T does not have a car (in LA?!) but thankfully takes responsibility for getting himself places like a responsible adult (unlike another recent gentleman caller). We decide to keep it local for him, which worked well for an errand I needed to run too, so killing two birds with one latte…we opted for convenience & picked Starbucks for our coffee date. We had our cross streets & we each began to head that direction.
Turns out there’s 3 Starbucks in that general area, shocking I know! Being on top of it, he sent over the address, a map, and general directions ~ thorough? chivalrous? obsessive compulsive? or in desperate need of his caffeine fix? I’d learn soon enough. I thought it’d be a funny “meet cute” that we’d both be at different locations, both technically correct, we’d bicker bout who’s right over the phone as we walked to meet in the middle, lattes in hand, our eyes lock mid-block & we just know…ha! Ok, cut the background music, back to reality we come.
My 1st stop ended up running a lil long & he landed across the street. He texts that he’s secured me a meter on the side street & will see me there. Two things ~
- There’s a giant free parking lot in the back, which always has available spots
- If he doesn’t have a car, how is he securing the spot? Sitting in it?
I can only chuckle, shrug my shoulders & go in search of my gallant parking knight. I arrive to stories of fighting off a BMW, a Lexus & an angry mini-van mom. He paid the meter, he owns that space! He makes me laugh.
Earlier while en route to the date, he texted asking my sign & if I had ever dated a Gemini? Apparently they still ask ‘hey baby, what’s your sign?’ No previous Gemini beaus I tell him…can’t wait to see where this conversation is headed. Right off the bat once we get in line to order drinks, he dives in with Gemini traits ~ they’re enthusiastic (check) & they know what they like (a triple shot, 6 pumps vanilla wet cappuccino). Not 5 pumps, not 7, precisely 6. Once we get outside, he follows it up with “Geminis are great lovers too”. Oh boy, we’ve got a ‘live one’ is right!
Conversation ping-pongs around all over the place, no single thought is finished. I try to keep up. He’s fun & quite possibly crazy…another Gemini trait?
He was getting hot & sweating quite a bit, so I suggest going into the a/c but he thought it’d be much more fun to stroll the boulevard, window shop & chat. Um,ok.
A couple of blocks in I was regretting my lack of sunscreen & poor choice of shoes, usually cute sandals are safe for a coffee date. We thankfully tuck into some shade & I get the Instagram tour of his life on the road. It looks pretty awesome. He does get to see some pretty great places, but he’s gone most of the year. Back out in the beating sun, he grabs my coffee & puts it in my other hand while sliding his sweaty palm into mine. Oh, oh, oh…c’mon… I suggest turning back once we’ve passed all the shops, sensing he could just wander for hours.
On the return stroll he asks multiple times what I’m doing tomorrow, the next day & the next. He’s starting to plan for our next date ~ driving around to see movie locations around town from our favorite movies (kind of a cool date idea). He had downloaded an app earlier in the date that gave all the info. Of course I joke about how are we going to get to all these locations. “Well, you’d be driving, of course” he says straight-faced. Silly me.
He makes his intentions very clear he wants to see me 2-3 times before he hits the road next week, yet I feel we’ve learned absolutely nothing about each other during this date to warrant more. Then he starts eluding to his extra airline vouchers he needs to use & maybe we could make good use of those…we’ll see.
I’m so overwhelmed. I am not a future-izer! At this point I’m just walking along sipping whats left of my iced coffee, wide eyed & listening to him go. Thankfully I had already established early on that I had to leave to pick up my friend at the airport, & oh lookie, its that time.
He walked me to my car, gave me an enthusiastic hug, lingered, then dove in for another hug, lips beelining for mine. I try the cheek dive, but he outsmarts me, man he’s fast! I get in my car and laugh, what a random Monday afternoon. Dating is funny.
I’m not even two blocks away & the texts begin
- Had a great time
- Looking forward to our adventures
- 😉
- You can follow me on Facebook
- Here’s my Instagram name
- Here’s my Twitter
Invoking the ‘safe driver’ clause, I did not respond then, figuring I’d follow up later. After a long catch up session over dinner with my friend, I texted him to say thanks for the afternoon fun & that I had made it with perfect timing to the airport. Whoops, that was waking the beast. Sometimes I never know when to leave good enough alone. I gotta go & “be polite”, then things get weird. He calls in response to my text, again it’s later in the night (what was I thinking?). He’s talking low & sexy, says its so he won’t disturb his roommate. Its awkward. I don’t even remember what we talked about. We hang up.
A minute later he texts ~ “Can I be direct with you?” Well, I figure this could go any which way, seeing as I have no clue what just happened on the phone. I’m curious, so I say “sure”. This is the text I get back: (sorry mom) “Iam so f*****g hard right now & want to have sex with you for hours. Zero drama. Just amazing sex”. Yep, that’s direct. I’m all fired up as I read it. The Universe has been playing with me lately, testing me with setting my boundaries, which I fail to do early on, so I pounced on this opportunity & set him straight.
And again, in response, the Gemini in him is just a sensual being, he practices tantra, it’ll be amazing…blah, blah, blah. Ok so he’s not listening to me, best to just shut up, Thus ending the whirlwind romance with Mr. T in my book.
He kept on texting about the map he was creating for our next date. He was even gung-ho & chipper with texts this morning. I think we loved enough in the span of 24 hours to last us a lifetime ~ thank you Mr. T.
I’m back!
Oh my it feels good to be back among the living!
First, I want to say thank you to all those who responded to my questions in the previous post. I had hit a lonely rough spot there for a sec & hearing your stories revived my belief in the possibilities I had begun to doubt. With each of your experiences I gained a better perspective on what real life looks like when in a long term relationship, & you helped me understand what it takes. I love my community of readers, your support keeps me hopeful as I search for love ~ thank you for being open & having the willingness to share your stories!
You may have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit (or maybe not), but I’m back & feeling chatty! So a lil catch up ~ I got a fun opportunity back in May to work on a zombie movie, which was a genre I had never done before & I jumped at the chance. The first thing I learned Zombies = Nights (& lots of them)! So with accepting this job I knew I’d be giving up dating (& it turns out socializing in general) for a couple of months, but I figured it’d be a great Summer gig, meeting new people & I could practice my flirting skills with a whole new crew in the meantime.
With the post-wrap glow, I can say shoot ended up being a pretty great experience. Sure, we had our challenging days, endless hours under the moon & moments of questioning our choices in life, but when it came down to it we were creating something fun & doing it with cool people! And luckily for me, the crew did include a bunch of handsome, interesting men for me to get to know & while most were married or had a girlfriend, it was fun being reminded there are great quality guys in L.A.
I also learned quite a bit about myself during this shoot, here’s just a few of my revelations
- While I consider myself a “night” person, turns out I’m not a “wee hours in the a.m.” kind of gal, the smile fades & I get very quiet, but then the sunrises & I’m back!
- All willpower I may have at the beginning of the day when visiting the craft services table goes out the window at 1a.m. – in the battle of carrot vs. chocolate, chocolate always wins, especially if in the form of a cookie. I became a total cookie monster!
- When I get tired (usually hitting bout 3:30-4a), I wanna snuggle. I’d feel this real need to be close to somebody, something & hug. I’d find myself leaning in to the Prop guy (my set “boyfriend”) for human contact, or putting my arms around the metal C-stands when just about anything would do to snuggle with. Curling up in my chair with an extra hoodie soothed the urge at times & added warmth too…
- It turns out I’m verrrrry territorial over my personal workspace & when it gets invaded with complete disregard I flip out! My set partner could only just laugh at me, repeatedly. It worries me a lil how I’ll react if/when I ever live with a man??!? I may need to start chillin out, but I like my space…oy!
Despite all the craziness that occurs on a shoot, when you get to see a cut of what you’ve been working so hard at, you can’t help but get excited & want to create more! Telling visual stories is so addicting…& like that, I’m sucked back in 🙂
In some semblance to maintain sanity & a sense of reality, I’d try & connect with friends over the weekends or do some activity to remind myself that sunshine & summer fun was in full swing all around me. One night a few weeks ago, a friend had extra tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, with a girlfriend visiting in town who had never been, we, of course, jumped on the opportunity to join.
I have probably mentioned this before & I will again ~ I looooove the Hollywood Bowl, it is my favorite L.A. summer activity! It was Opening Night, with 3 great acts, fireworks & not a Zombie in sight. I was full of excitement. And then, there he was. Like a punch to the gut, the wind was knocked out of me. There sat my ex & his latest girlfriend having a romantic pre-show picnic.
I knew this was bound to happen at some point, but of all places. I didn’t need/want to see that in a place where I hold special memories with him, but what can you do…new Bowl season, new girlfriend to bring to it…thankfully they didn’t see me. I managed to push him out of my mind & enjoy my friends for the evening…until I couldn’t anymore. The evening’s final artist performed the song “For Good”, which he had sent to me post-breakup saying it reminded him of me & our time together. It meant a lot to me then & still does…and with that the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I tried to stop my brain, but I couldn’t help thinking if he was now saying that to the new woman by his side. With some (a lot) of wine, fireworks & friends, I survived the evening. Thankful to have not crossed paths again, I am glad I got the 1st couple sighting out of the way & that I had the support of my girl’s with me.
And, now that I am back to living in daylight hours again, I’ve been feeling like its time to jump back on the dating bandwagon!
As I walked around the lake the other evening, a calmness came over me, with a soothing sense of readiness – it’s time to put my profiles back up online & take an active role in finding my partner. While I’ve enjoyed the past few months following my interests, in the theory of ‘love your life & love will find you’, not one date has been on the calendar. Time for action! Let’s get the momentum ball rolling!
As this decision was being made in my head, the Universe was already one step of me & as I drove home from the lake two things occurred
- I received a text from a guy saying “hi” (well, hello’s back at ya)
- I got a message from a friend asking if I’d be interested in a ‘fix-up’ with her eligible bachelor friend (yes, please)
I will say I am continuously amazed by how a slight shift in energy & thoughts can create a ripple effect, even quite quickly at times.
So, I text back the mystery guy whose name was not ringing a bell, & I can tell once I opened his text, we had chatted previously back in Sept, but never met up…at least that I could recall. We texted a couple of polite rounds & he asks if I remember him? I go for honesty & point blank tell him no. To jog my memory he offers to send a pic, if I send him one first, which I figure means he doesn’t remember me either & was just trying random #’s in this phone, hoping for a bite.
I decide to play along in the pic game out of curiosity, so I scroll through my phone looking for a good selfie & send it on over. He snaps his pic & sends one back. Oooooh, I remember that face (thankfully), but that’s all I remember! We had narrowed it down to eHarmony, so I figured at this point if we jumped through all their hoops to getting to the exchanging numbers part, I must’ve liked something about him…then he asks for another pic! I joked 1 a night is my limit, yet he kept asking & snapped another of himself to show me just how easy it was. Now mind you, the pic I sent was from a lil bit ago when I was having an ‘I feel pretty’ moment. I was currently sitting there with my hair pulled back, make-up off & glasses on (not feeling my prettiest we’ll just say) ~ there was no way in hell I’m snapping that image for a stranger. His persistency paid off & there I was at 10:30pm digging around my closet for the top I had on in the original pic I sent & fixing my hair to recreate the same look…playing in to the fantasy that we ladies sit around looking ready for a photo op anytime…I can’t believe I fed the illusion & didn’t present the real me in the moment, but what can I say…modern dating is silly! I’m silly & I want a date dammit!
So to recap my ramblings, here’s the current standings:
- Date with old eHarmony match set
- Pending evening out with the friend fix-up
- Online profiles going back up this week
- Enjoying daytime sunshine & sleeping at night
- Life is good
I’m feeling super grateful to have some time to take care of myself again & I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months…who knows what lies ahead but I’ll keep you in the loop
xo
Life is just a bowl of cherries…
It can’t really be this hard…
A few days ago I went for a jog around the lake. Did my usual route, started at the same point, headed the direction I always do, doing my creature of habit routine. As I finished up my lap around I decided to go for a second, which I rarely do, but I think the guilt from all the Easter candy I had been binging on brought on a burst of energy to help burn it off before it settled in on my ass.
On the second lap around, I decided to switch directions, needing to change my view if I was not going to be painfully aware of every step ahead. Gotta say, it worked! As I hit the last stretch I saw this sign (pictured above) behind the fence, a fence I’ve jogged & walked along a lot lately. It has obviously been there for a while, I mean weeds have had time to grow through it, but somehow only now was the first time I noticed it. I love how a simple step of changing directions can change your experience & even your point of view.
Nothing is coincidence. I do believe opportunities & signs show up when we are meant to see them, when they will have meaning in our lives.
Lemme be honest, I’ve been struggling with putting up a post lately. I’ve been bouncing around an idea for the “Joys of being Single”, but nothing was coming…sure, I had a couple of ‘joys’ to add to the list like ~ not having to shave your legs everyday, or being able to curl up in bed with your iPad at midnight & watch the “How I Met Your Mother” finale ~ but the truth is I don’t enjoy being single. I’ve spent about 99% of my life single, I have it down pat…
A lil too much so…
Since changing directions helped my view at the lake, I figured why not take that as a sign to change my focus and stop trying to convince myself to find the joy, but rather ask questions & delve deeper into the direction I do want to go ~ in to a relationship!
It was recently brought to my attention that I find fault with every man I date…but, c’mon I am dating in LA…all kidding aside though, he was right. I’ve got the whole routine down pretty good by now ~ there’s usually 2-3 dates, things are ok, no real sparks, but it could be worse. I start to squirm, sure that the longer he hangs out with me the sooner he’s going to want to go find someone else more interesting, soooo I find excuses why he won’t work & I disappear…only to begin the cycle again.
I want to get off this merry-go-round & I need your help!
As you know I’ve only had one kinda serious relationship in my life, and while it happened in my late 30’s, I figure I’m the emotional age of a post-adolescent. I have fallen in love & experienced my first heartbreak, which seems to be high school age, on average for most. So seeing as my ‘relationship growth & experience’ may be stunted, I’d like to hear from you & your experiences to help me realize if how I see things is realistic or the view of a wide-eyed teenager.
Help me catch up to speed on dating like a normal 40 year old woman looking for a adult man to share a committed relationship with.
I know I will never experience another love like my first. I am not that naive. It will be very hard to be that free with emotion again. My heart comes guarded now & flinches easily.
My single mind has been whirling with questions, trying to figure out how most seem to fall into relationships so easily… here’s some of what I’m wondering about ~ (feedback greatly appreciated)
*Assuming you’re not with your 1st love (& if you are, cheers on you! I wanna hear all about it!), how was falling in love again? Easier, harder? Different? Better? Did it take you longer to find your next love? Or were you more open after experiencing it?
*Does being previously hurt help you to love with more awareness? Or with more trepidation?
*Do you like your partner? I know you love him/her, but do you guys genuinely like each other’s company? And if so, how long have you been together?
*Do you share similar interests & like to do them together? Or is that asking a lot from your partner? Do you save your interests to be shared with friends instead?
I’ve been told I have too many expectations of how a ‘real’ relationship is & to stop living in a fairy tale. I have been working on bringing no expectations. There has also been talk from friends of pushing me towards the idea of settling for ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’, that it’d be silly to expect more at this stage of the game. I still want to believe in the magic of love, but it could just be the stubborn 16 year old in me wanting to ‘be right’. I need to know from y’all, who are in the trenches of relationships ~ help me see the reality! I do know its not always easy or pretty & I look forward to the messy…but when you were first dating ~ was it a lot of work? Did you enjoy each other at the beginning?
Lately I’ve been enjoying my time away from the online dating world, the freedom from texts, im’s, and emails is so refreshing! And instead of being behind a screen, I’ve actually been going & doing all sorts of things that interest me, figuring I may just meet a real live man with shared likes. So far it has turned out to be a lot fun solo adventures, but I’m not giving up & sitting on my couch just yet.
The other night as I left a story reading event, I had a bit of existentialist angst. One of the writer’s had gotten up & read some of his poems. Now poetry & I have always had a hard time understanding each other, especially in the spoken form (I needs words on paper people!) & being there alone I did not feel comfortable asking anyone to explain it to to me. As I wandered to my car I began to wonder ~ if experiences had, while alone, actually happened if you can’t explain them? I felt very alone as I pondered.
Well, enough from me for now…I leave you with DREAM BIG & BE BRAVE!
I look forward to hearing from you! I know your insights & stories will help make sense of this relationship world. Welcome to my lil course at Love U! xo
March’s Art Adventure
I’ve been working my way through my Top 40 list & I’m taking #10 seriously ~ see ART, in some form, every month! For March I got to combine two loves ~ ART & FASHION ~ @ LACMA’s Diane Von Furstenberg’s “Journey of a Dress”
Pop, pop, pops of color & print make this girl very happy!
This only scratches the surface of the quantity of her career ~ dresses for days! I could’ve spent hours staring at the mannequins. I always saw a new dress with each lap around…
Where the wild things are…
Warhol + Diane = a thing of beauty
What it looks like inside my mind some days…
Its not always black & white ~ there must be COLOR!!
Aprils’ art adventure lies ahead tomorrow ~ a day at the Getty ~ I can’t wait~
xo
I am not myself these days…
Do you ever feel out of sorts? I mean, for a long time? To the point where you can’t remember who or how you used to be, but something doesn’t quite feel like you’re being you anymore?
I have been angry lately, like snap back at you angry & that is soooooo not me. I’ve actually scared myself with some of my reactions lately. Yesterday I got so mad because the Sun was trying to come out, I was literally bitching out loud in the car & even forced a friend to listen to my rant, c’mon Carlie pull yourself together! But seriously the sun comes out every damn day here, sometimes you want a breather from the warm glow telling you ‘you should be happy, its gorgeous out’ (again!)…I enjoy variety & maybe that’s whats been missing. Being greeted by the cloudy morning, I was energized to go & be outside, enjoying the freshness of the gray moments. Maybe I felt part of that joy fading as the Sun tried to peak through sparking my anger, fists shaking at the sky ‘I’ll get you Sun’ (yes, I’m becoming a crazy lady)…
My anger has been bubbling up these past few days in various situations too. I’ve been very short with people, maybe some deserved my curt responses, but most have probably not ~ I’m sorry. I hear the words coming out of my mouth & it’s like I’m on a 5 second delay watching & hearing myself behave badly without any control! Who am I?! It is kind of liberating saying what I’m thinking & feeling versus putting on my sunny disposition, but usually my sunny disposition is actually me & not an act…lately it feels like an act because its how people expect me to be. Am I really a positive person? Maybe I’m beginning to embrace my inner ‘cranky old bitty’…oh god, I’m too young to be cranky already…
There’s a few areas in my life these days that are up in the air & I think, oh who am I kidding, I KNOW its freaking me out a bit, so I’m hoping this may be accounting for my anger phase. Unknowns, up-in-the-air’s, unstructured life is not my style & this process of learning how to roll with it has been a bit bumpy. At times it feels like I have a lil angel on one shoulder & a lil instigator devil on the other. One reassuring me of what lies ahead, while the other is spouting all these logistical things to freak me out. Argh! So I tune them out binging on House of Cards…not helpful 😉
I’m taking control in one area & trying a new game plan.
I’m always getting a ton of advice on my dating life. Mostly from paired off friends, who look at me with a mix of empathy & pity. Their favorite adage is ‘he’ll come when you least expect it’, or ‘it’ll happen when you’re not looking’. Yes, this could be true, but I spent the better half of my 30’s just ‘going about life’ with lil to no success, so I decided to take action. This dive all in, get a dating coach kind of action did bring me dates. It brought me many experiences, some good, some bad, some humorous. There’s been much education in these dating years, but it has also turned me a lil cynical at the moment. I have decided to stop taking an active pursuit in dating. I am going to listen to their advice & not ‘be looking’, but what will be different this time versus my 30’s is that I am taking an active role in living a life I love & enjoy. I haven’t been doing that lately & I certainly wasn’t doing that in my 30’s (even though I thought I kinda was).
Maybe its the ticking over into 40, maybe its the big space of unknowns I’m sitting in, but all I know is that I need to get back in touch with myself for the ultimate goal of loving myself & not finding a partner. I have done & am familiar with what this work looks like, but when I’ve done it in the past I think I was focusing on the end goal of a partner to share my life with & not truly accepting myself as lovable while single. I get it now. I’m ready to explore.
All the walls have been pulled down today. Freedom is surrounding me! No more okCupid profile! I love my lattes, but no more Coffee Meets Bagels, The Tinder profile is down! Good-bye eHarmony! See ya later Speed Dating! God be with you Christian Mingle!
I am FREEEEEEE & it feels so good! Hmmm, I’m starting to feel less angry…phew, I think the old ‘me’ is on her way back!
xo
Sitting in the Uncomfortable
Oh my these past couple of weeks have been a lil tough…this growing & stretching phase of practicing vulnerability is NOT comfortable, at all!
I am grateful for this peaceful Sunday morning, as I sit here with my windows open, feeling the fresh Spring air, smelling the sweet scent of the blooms outside my apartment. I am comfortable here. I feel safe. I am alone and am starting to embrace it.
Lemme roll back the calendar to a couple of weeks ago to when a new match popped into my world. Still not sure if I wanted to dive back in to full swing dating mode, I responded anyways. We seemed to have some shared interests, I liked his smile, and I guess, why not?, at this point…
It started off slow, a lil conversation via text each day. Not much, dipping a toe. With our interests piqued, we tried to set up a first date. Coordinating busy schedules proved tough, but possibly by the end of the week. Then one evening I got a late night text, he wanted to say hi & see how my day was, hoping it wasn’t too late…funny how the Universe sends what you need at the perfect time, as I was plopped on my couch feeling a bit lonely…conversation was exactly what I needed.
Ping ponging questions & answers, likes & dislikes, we chatted via text as the hours passed. He recorded the falling rain & sent me the audio ~ the best soundtrack to intimate conversations. Our questions began to delve deeper, really exploring what each of us longed for, tears streamed down my face as I typed my desires, sharing truthfully what I hoped for, I opened up & began to expose myself. I hadn’t been this vulnerable in a long, long time & I was scared, but it was also the first time I’ve felt safe & heard by a man in a very long time too. We chatted til 3am and could’ve easily kept on going but the reality of the approaching morning loomed and sleep was necessary. I dozed off to sleep with a smile on my face.
When I told a friend about the evening & our conversation, she point blank asked if at any point the thought occurred to pick up the phone & actually talk?! Nooooooo, which yes, sounds silly, I know, but I wouldn’t have shared this information so freely! And, while technically yes, he was still a stranger via text, I felt safer to be me with him in that format. I know I may have been hiding behind the screen but I WAS opening up again.
During the evening, he mentioned a few times about calling me the next day. I looked forward to hearing his voice, wondering what he sounded like. The day floated by with ease, the world seemed brighter, I felt like me again. Its been a while. A mid-day text to see how I was holding up brought a bigger smile to my face. And then that was it, no phone call, no voice message.
I felt so raw & deflated. I put my hopes out there only to be met with silence. I’m a big believer in words & actions matching and I can’t wrap my head around asking repeatedly to do something & not do it? The walls around my heart started coming back up. I could almost physically feel them. BUT I don’t want to hide behind them anymore. How can I stop my automatic response, my safety mechanisms? I kept hearing this lil voice “stay open, be vulnerable” & I just wanted to shout back “why?????! this does not feel good”…but I must try. I promise myself I will try my best to remain open to the process…
I couldn’t rally my heart for a Friday night date, even though work finished in time. I figured Saturday would be better, since he said he’d keep them both open for me. Saturday’s day plans timed out perfectly, leaving me free for a date night & I texted him excitedly, I was ready to dive in again. Oops, except that he had made plans…so much for keeping the night open, or my heart for that matter. It took another week of reschedules & busy lives to finally meet up. At that point I didn’t know what to expect, or what I was even feeling anymore, I’m just showing up.
From the moment of entering the lounge & sitting down, the date just flowed. Conversation delved more into our beliefs & outlooks on life versus the standard interview questions. It was so lovely to look into his his kind eyes. Then I asked the question I really needed an answer to ~ how long have you been divorced? He paused. Well…… Only a few months separated & in the process. My heart sank. I can’t do this again. A red flag began to be raised up the pole. He continued to share a little of the situation which I appreciated hearing, but I wanted to shift off this topic for now. Cue the loud bad 80’s hair cover band…we grabbed our martinis & ran for the peace of the patio. Outside we got cozy & enjoyed the rest of our evening. I was definitely looking forward to seeing him again.
The beauty of dating a couple of guys at once is the compare/contrast, it can get really clear what attracts you & repels you. The following night was movie night at the Canadian Librarian’s. I knew where this could lead & apparently I’m a glutton for punishment (i.e. boundary setting practice). Parking can be tricky in Hollywood & all the visitor spots were filled in his building, so he hopped in my car & we hit the lot across the street. Curious how late they were open, his question to the attendant was “can she get her car out in the morning?” Um, excuse me? That’s very presumptuous! I asked for 10p. So knowing where he thought this was going, my guard was immediately up. We have built NO intimacy, we barely chat between dates, I’m sorry I’m not going there til I know you better. We share some similar interests & I always learn things when I’m with him, so I keep trying, hoping he’ll grow on me. We settled in for our classic movie & I’ll admit he has one damn comfy couch! And while it was a perfectly okay date, I realized he & I are just surface, fresh from the emotion-delving date the previous night, he didn’t stand a chance…
Fueled by ‘spring’-ing ahead & feeling excited about a man again, I was feeling playful, so when date #2 activity ideas came up, he was game for miniature golf – so fun! Naturally my competitive streak came out, playfully of course…thankfully he dished back all the ‘big game’ smack talk I was throwing his way! While I may have killed it on the greens, he showed me who was boss at Skeeball! That hurt! All is fair in love & arcade play!
For as much as I was looking forward to this date & seeing him again, the energy was different. I think it was me. I’m trying my best not to put my guard up, pull away or shut down but I can’t shake the past. I cannot be another divorcee’s training wheels.
I’m trying to quiet the voice that keeps telling me ”I’m not enough”, that he’ll leave me in the search to find a better, funnier, smarter, prettier woman. I know this voice is wrong but somedays she can be loud.
I’m wondering if I’m strong enough to do this again…
Who do you picture me with?
I always enjoy when friends offer to introduce me to someone
they think would be ‘perfect’ for me. I feel it comes with a seal of approval & I will always say “yes, please” if you offer 😉
And here’s why:
One: If you’re my friend, I inherently trust you.
Two: You know me better than most others, & definitely better than a computer algorithm does (hopefully).
Three: You’re looking out for both parties interests, so likelihood of disaster is slimmer than usual.
Four: I love ya for thinking of me & joining the cause 🙂
A fun pastime lately has been finding out what ‘type’ of guy you see me with, because it has proven to be vastly different than the men I’ve been seeing.
Its turned into a fun game to pass over my phone & let my gals do a lil shopping for me on my various dating sites. I love to see who y’all would pick for me.
General consensus seems to be an arty guy, usually dark hair, most choose a hip looking guy, stylish, with a long list of interests.
And I get it, I’ve clicked on, winked, and messaged those guys too…usually feeling they’re a bit out of my league, but what the hell it doesn’t hurt to try, right?
We could possibly hit it off, right?
But the thing is I don’t enjoy silence & this is what I’ve gotten from this type. They don’t find me to be their type either…
So I re-calibrated.
When then presented with the current options I’m in conversation with, my friends have given mixed reactions, a lot of hmmmm’s & huh’s,
but then they start to warm up to them…kinda how I have.
My main ‘draw me in’ feature is kind eyes, I believe a good soul lies behind kind eyes.
I have faith in this.
A friend called recently to say she met a great match for me who lived in my neighborhood, would I be interested?
Yes, please!
(Even though I’ve been on a break from actively pursuing dates online, I figured this warranted coming off the bench & getting back in the game).
She email intro’d us & there it was – his FULL name!
To Google I went! I must learn more about this mystery man!
Since I knew nothing about him there was no way to narrow down which picture was him, what profile on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, you name it-site, was his…so I surrendered & figured I’d learn all about him old-school style, actually from HIM!
But by going in blindly I didn’t know where we stood on the ‘kind eyes’ front…
He emailed me quickly after the intro, short & sweet, dipping a toe in.
I waited a lil bit (not wanting to seem too eager), I tossed out a few questions
and the banter began.
With each email little nuggets arrived helping to form a picture in my head. I started to look forward to his responses. There were definitely interests he had that were drastically opposite to my lifestyle, but I thought ‘hey, be open! He could show you a whole new fun world’. So I kept going forward, my friend saw something in him that I might like too. Dating fearlessly! Although I did begin to question his extensive use of emoji’s & LOL’s, was he a 16 year old girl? Nah, he can’t be, I rationalized, my friend wouldn’t play a mean joke like that, would she? Nahhhhh…
After a few days the phone number exchange happened, this is it people, voice-on-voice contact is now a possibility!
Ok, so no voice…text…(16 year old girl? Nahhhhh?). It was early on a Saturday morning, so I ruled out the 16yo girl possibility again.
I responded. Nothing.
A few hours go by. Nothing.
Early afternoon he texts back. He passed out & was just waking up.
My phone beeped again.
His photo appeared.
Oh no. Oh my, no.
A shirtless selfie with bad euro-trash sunglasses – where are your eyes?
Show me your eyes!!!
He was not my type – former or current!
I highly highly doubted I’d be his type too, but just to cinch it I searched for the sweetest, most innocent pic of myself & sent it off, the whole time chanting “please don’t like me, please don’t like me…!!!!”
A funny twist since I was always the girl ‘hoping & hoping’ any guy would like me, and please love me. Nope, not now.
I just don’t have the energy to go on another bad date & find a polite way to say “we’re not a match”.
I never heard back from him 🙂
~~~~~~~~~~~
I got a recommendation last week from my amazing hair gal about a new dating app
& I figured I might as well stay off the bench and continue playing.
Its called “Coffee meets Bagel”
Don’t ask me why.
So each day at noon they send you your daily ‘bagel’. You only get one a day.
And like Tinder, it pulls from your Facebook account.
You only get 24 hours to decide if you ‘like’ him or want to ‘pass’ on him.
With each sequential bagel, you matches will improve as the app deciphers your likes/dislikes.
We’ll see…I’m a week in & only one bagel was worth biting in to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last thought…
Today I spent the day on the set shooting promos for the WeTV series “Marriage Bootcamp”.
I really did not know what to expect from these reality stars, but I fell a lil in love with each of them!
I saw the love and partnership between each couple that I aspire to experience with my man. They would not have been there unless they had hit a rough patch in their relationship, and from the what I witnessed today those hard times helped create a closeness & bond you cannot share with just anybody.
Every couple’s dynamic was different ~ this is what I observed from the sidelines…
One couple protected each other, they supported each other’s strengths without feeling threatened and spoke up for who ‘they’ were. They were not going to misrepresent their relationship & I admired their integrity to each other and their commitment. Another couple brought out the best in each other & knew when to let the other shine. I witnessed strong personalities sharing space equally. I saw insecurities being calmed. I saw warmth. I saw kind eyes. I saw passion. I saw love.
I fought off tears watching one couple & their connection.
I am so very tired of being alone & I ache to experience what I saw between them.
I left inspired having seen love alive & in action.
The Modernization of Disney
Beautiful version, right?
A friend shared this gorgeous video last week & it reminded me of a post I meant to write a few weeks ago after I saw Disney’s latest movie, Frozen.
(can’t believe I completely forgot to write it, I guess it was meant to come now)
Have you seen it?
If you haven’t, #1 – why? and
#2 If you plan to, STOP READING! **Spoiler Alerts possible**
I’m sure I’ve probably talked about this before because I’m a product of the, as I like to call it, Disney ‘Princess Syndrome’, so bear with me…
As little girl’s we grew up with these classic fairy tales of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty & Snow White, versions of princesses being found or rescued by their “princes”, experiencing a “true love’s kiss” & living happily ever after…um, yeah thanks Walt, you kinda messed with a generation of girl’s minds who now as adults, know these are just tales but still dream of experiencing one or two of those magical moments.
(I also do think our shoe obsession began with the glass slipper, think about it…)
God bless Disney for catching up with today times & even poking fun at themselves in Frozen! This movie adds elements into their storyline that is much more relevant with today’s thoughts, from strong women in power to Disney’s 1st gay family.
Huge fantastic leaps forward!
By far my favorite updated element is everyone’s reaction to Anna’s foolish engagement to the prince she’s only just met. There’s swooning, there’s dancing, there’s duet-ing & finishing each other’s sandwiches ~ all classic Disney moves that I began to fall for, like Pavlov’s dog, but thank goodness they created smart, real characters to look out for Anna!
“You can’t marry a man you just met” ~ “Elsa”
“Who marries a man they met?” ~ Kristoff
Thank you reality check!
I absolutely adore Anna’s plucky character & she sticks to her guns, she loves him, she’ll defend her hearts wishes, but what’s even better is that she is not blind & doesn’t just accept, she fights, she questions, she’s a modern girl!
And its ok to be wrong about your “love” & to move on, such a great message to young girl’s today.
My 2nd favorite element to this movie is Elsa’s self-empowerment.
After fleeing Arendelle once her powers are revealed, Elsa actually discovers the beauty within herself & that that is all that matters. She finds freedom in just “being herself” – oh the brilliance in this moment!
I will leave you with Idina Menzel’s powerful version of “Let It Go” from the movie when Elsa is coming to this realization & embraces herself as she is, releasing the power of others.
~ enjoy the power of accepting yourself! ~
xo
Oh & how can I forget Olaf!
He melts my heart, the joys of a pure soul
Have a great week!!
And a new CRUSH has begun…
“Love is the only thing you can really give in all this world. When you give love, you give everything”
~ Theodore Dreiser
I hope you enjoyed a wonderful Valentine’s Day!
It was so refreshing to have no expectations that I actually enjoyed my best Valentine’s,
sharing & receiving love with my friends throughout the day was like a 24 hour hug!
Have you ever heard a word for the first time, or learned about something new and then all of sudden it’s popping up everywhere in conversations, on the radio, in an article?
Coincidence or newfound awareness?
Back in December at a screening for August: Osage County this actor came on the screen & I was struck by his unique look. He reminded me of someone, another actor, a younger version. It totally began to distract me as I racked my brain. Then it hit me – he must be Dennis Quaid’s son, but wait, did Dennis Quaid have a 20-something son? Who acts?
Is it Dennis Quaid? Nooooo, it can’t be…is it?
Well, he kinda looks like him, but more interesting.
I was completely struck by this actor. Every time he was on the screen I couldn’t take my eyes off him! I wouldn’t say he’s handsome in a traditional Hollywood sense, but there was something entrancing about him.
As the credits rolled my eyes were glued to the screen,
who is this mystery man? I gotta know!
Benedict Cumberbatch
Who?
And just like that, he was everywhere I looked!
(Apparently I’ve been in a bit of a black hole for a while, as he is NOT new to the scene)
As my friends listed off everywhere I could’ve seen him, many project of which I have seen, I wondered what it was about him now that caught me so off guard & stole my attention.
Cut to this weekend, peacefully enjoying my dating hiatus, I found myself with time to catch up on some movies.
I popped in 12 Years a Slave & there he was again!!!
(was a lil thankful for the temporary distraction).
Definitely a movie worth seeing, but man it’s such a heavy topic matter! My mind was left thinking about the reality of life then & how as a person living in 2014 I can’t quite comprehend their ‘justified’ behavior against another human being just based on their skin color. Its just vicious & to see it breaks you open to the realities.
I sat there for along time after.
I couldn’t leave my Saturday night ending on that note, I needed something uplifting to balance my mood.
As I surfed my Netflix, there he was again!! 😉
Yep, it was time for Sherlock!
There was bingeing, lots of bingeing.
Followed by some high action detective-ing dreams
I am officially obsessed with this series.
The writing – quick, smart
The camera work – pure art
Watson – wry, witty, & c’mon he’s Bilbo!
It’s London
It’s moody, it’s quirky
It’s London
It’s moody, it’s quirky
What’s not to love?!
I only wish there was more.
I must space the remaining episodes out now, as I already fear withdrawals.
Here’s a lil snippet of a recent interview he gave…enjoy! (ahhh the accent, & he’s funny to top it off…swoon)
twirlingskirts.com 