Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything! It’s amazing how fast the days go by lately. I would’ve sworn to myself that I posted something earlier this year, but it must have just been the rough drafts that I create in my head & they didn’t actually make it out on to the page…sometimes there’s a lot rattling around up there. Makes me wonder what else I’ve forgotten to say or do that I thought I already had done this year, hmmmmm…oh well, time will tell. For now, I’m back now to share more tales.

I’ll be honest about my disappearing act. I was beginning to censor myself & that’s one thing I don’t really want to do in my writing. I pride myself in my honesty & transparency on the page, so when that wasn’t happening I got quiet. I realized while being open with my life, the sharing of my words could affect others & I wanted to be conscious of that so I took some time to figure it out.

So here’s the truth ~ I broke one of my cardinal rules.  I became Facebook friends with a man, who was a potential romantic interest. I choose to break this rule as it was the mode of “introduction” from a mutual friend, who bless her heart, thought we may be a match. I will admit it was helpful in nosing around a lil to get an idea of who he was, but it also burst the bubble of intrigue that comes with each date as you solve more mysteries about who they are & I found myself already seeing why we wouldn’t work out. But nevermind that as I didn’t let it stop me from meeting up with him. I went in being open-minded with no expectations. At our 1st “not really a date” social interaction, I had a pretty good time (but how could I not at a whiskey tasting where there was 15 men to every gal?!). So I graciously accepted his invite for an actual date the following week (there was definitely more mystery to this one beyond his fb page).

When that date arrived, I was greeted with the information that he too had being doing his Facebook re-con & mentioned how much he enjoyed reading my blog. That thought had never occurred to me! That he’d actually read my posts. I felt strangely exposed, virtually naked sitting there at the restaurant table. I generally try to follow the dating etiquette of never talking about my ex, or past dating disasters, but there he sat knowing it all. I had also figured he might bring a bit of material to the page, but as you know, it promptly shut me up knowing he’d read it.

I know that everything I write I should be able to say it as if that person was right next to me, but sometimes in the early stages of dating & you’re unsure of what you’re feeling, & it helps to process it with friends, or journaling, or blogging (or all of the above) without involving their feelings until you’re sure of your’s…does that make sense?

Long story short, we’re still Facebook friends. We only managed to get 2 dates in before busy schedules & dwindling interest did us in. I’m sure if he reads this, he’d agree too, that we weren’t destined to be. Lesson learned ~ stick to your original rules, they’re there for a good reason!

Seeing as it has been over a year, I do have quite a handful of stories to tell you, but I’d like to share something that’s been bothering me since last weekend.

For the long holiday weekend, I decided to escape away to a cabin in Big Bear, all by myself. It’d be an easy two hour getaway from Los Angeles that feels like a whole other world, exactly what I was looking for.  All I wanted to do this Thanksgiving was cozy up next to a fire & escape into a good book, in solitude, surrounded by nature. I have always dreamed of romantic weekend getaways up there, but had yet to visit, so I decided to stop dreaming & just make it happen ~ solo.

I got the car all packed up. Wine – check, cozy blankets – check, books (mystery adventure – check, witty autobiography – check), snacks – check, & enough yummy sweaters to keep me warm all winter – check, new Adele album downloaded for obnoxious car singalong – check.  I was excited to hit the road. Quality Me time here I come!

I felt so free on the open road (well, after an hour+ of gridlock on the 210 freeway, weren’t people supposed to gathering around a turkey by now?!). Starting over the mountain pass, I couldn’t resist opening the windows for the crisp fresh air. Ahhhhh so good! I hit the crest & as I started down in to the valley side, there it was – snow! Yes! Proof of an actual season, of weather in Southern California. This Colorado girl couldn’t resist, I had to pull over in the turnout & soak up the view as the flakes fell. This trip was off to a great start.

Then I did something I never expected myself to do. When I got to the lodge to check-in, they asked me “how many keys would you like? Two?” “Yeah, 2 would be great, thanks”. What? Why on earth would I need 2 keys? Was I planning on losing one? Did I need a backup? Was I gonna slip one to a handsome gentleman while out on the town? NO. No, none of this was true. The only truth was was that I was embarrassed all of a sudden to admit I was a Party of One. Why was I so concerned about being judged for my singular status? I punched my own self in the gut.

I left the lobby hoping they wouldn’t notice that there was no one else in the car waiting for me. The silly girl with 2 keys. I drove around & found my adorable little cabin on the lake and promptly forgot my single woes. My home for the next few days was glorious ~ the perfect log cabin, rustic mountain-y decor, complete with fireplace. The dream getaway was coming true.

I decided to explore the town a bit and find some dinner before it got too late. If you can’t have turkey, why not order some Thai! With the snow continuing to fall, I wanted to warm my soul, so I ordered a bowl of soup & an entree. As I sat and waited for my order, I watched families scurrying by outside looking for warm places to duck in to. Tables were filled inside the restaurant  with boisterous groups enjoying each other’s company. As the waitress was packing up my order, she asked about utensils “For two?” she innocently asked. I paused, nodded & said yes. YES? Really again? To be fair, I’m not sure if it was my inner fat-girl, or lonely girl responding, afraid of being shamed…either way, I did it to myself AGAIN!

I am a very independent person. I am used to doing many things on my own, it’s not like this is new to me, so why was I having difficulty today owning who I am?

Once nestled back in my cabin, with the fire roaring, I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I knew this weekend was exactly what I’d been needing. The rest of the weekend was beautiful. I woke to a quiet snow covered town, spent the days exploring the Village and nature around the Lake, sipped hot drinks & went to the annual Christmas tree lighting ~ I felt like a local & I loved it.

Yet, it was still nagging at my gut. Why was I ashamed to admit to being solo? What does it matter what a stranger thinks? It dawned on me while I drove home, I’m the one judging myself. I’m ashamed that I haven’t found someone to share my adventures with. I’m ashamed my dream of a family isn’t a reality yet. When asked if I’m married or have kids, I always smile & make some hopeful remark, but truthfully I’m shaming myself on the inside. This weekend brought it to the surface & its time I start accepting the wonderful life I do have. Its good to have dreams & maybe someday they’ll come true, but what is right now is pretty darn awesome.


I’m back!

photo 3

Oh my it feels good to be back among the living!

First, I want to say thank you to all those who responded to my questions in the previous post. I had hit a lonely rough spot there for a sec & hearing your stories revived my belief in the possibilities I had begun to doubt. With each of your experiences I gained a better perspective on what real life looks like when in a long term relationship, & you helped me understand what it takes. I love my community of readers, your support keeps me hopeful as I search for love ~ thank you for being open & having the willingness to share your stories!

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit (or maybe not), but I’m back & feeling chatty! So a lil catch up ~ I got a fun opportunity back in May to work on a zombie movie, which was a genre I had never done before & I jumped at the chance. The first thing I learned Zombies = Nights (& lots of them)! So with accepting this job I knew I’d be giving up dating (& it turns out socializing in general) for a couple of months, but I figured it’d be a great Summer gig, meeting new people & I could practice my flirting skills with a whole new crew in the meantime.

With the post-wrap glow, I can say shoot ended up being a pretty great experience. Sure, we had our challenging days, endless hours under the moon & moments of questioning our choices in life, but when it came down to it we were creating something fun & doing it with cool people! And luckily for me, the crew did include a bunch of handsome, interesting men for me to get to know & while most were married or had a girlfriend, it was fun being reminded there are great quality guys in L.A.

I also learned quite a bit about myself during this shoot, here’s just a few of my revelations

  • While I consider myself a “night” person, turns out I’m not a “wee hours in the a.m.” kind of gal, the smile fades & I get very quiet, but then the sunrises & I’m back!
  • All willpower I may have at the beginning of the day when visiting the craft services table goes out the window at 1a.m. – in the battle of carrot vs. chocolate, chocolate always wins, especially if in the form of a cookie. I became a total cookie monster!
  • When I get tired (usually hitting bout 3:30-4a), I wanna snuggle. I’d feel this real need to be close to somebody, something & hug. I’d find myself leaning in to the Prop guy (my set “boyfriend”) for human contact, or putting my arms around the metal C-stands when just about anything would do to snuggle with. Curling up in my chair with an extra hoodie soothed the urge at times & added warmth too…
  • It turns out I’m verrrrry territorial over my personal workspace & when it gets invaded with complete disregard I flip out! My set partner could only just laugh at me, repeatedly. It worries me a lil how I’ll react if/when I ever live with a man??!? I may need to start chillin out, but I like my space…oy!

Despite all the craziness that occurs on a shoot, when you get to see a cut of what you’ve been working so hard at, you can’t help but get excited & want to create more! Telling visual stories is so addicting…& like that, I’m sucked back in 🙂

In some semblance to maintain sanity & a sense of reality, I’d try & connect with friends over the weekends or do some activity to remind myself that sunshine & summer fun was in full swing all around me.  One night a few weeks ago, a friend had extra tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, with a girlfriend visiting in town who had never been,  we, of course, jumped on the opportunity to join.

I have probably mentioned this before & I will again ~ I looooove the Hollywood Bowl, it is my favorite L.A. summer activity! It was Opening Night, with 3 great acts, fireworks & not a Zombie in sight. I was full of excitement.  And then, there he was. Like a punch to the gut, the wind was knocked out of me. There sat my ex & his latest girlfriend having a romantic pre-show picnic.

I knew this was bound to happen at some point, but of all places. I didn’t need/want to see that in a place where I hold special memories with him, but what can you do…new Bowl season, new girlfriend to bring to it…thankfully they didn’t see me.  I managed to push him out of my mind & enjoy my friends for the evening…until I couldn’t anymore.  The evening’s final artist performed the song “For Good”, which he had sent to me post-breakup saying it reminded him of me & our time together. It meant a lot to me then & still does…and with that the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I tried to stop my brain, but I couldn’t help thinking if he was now saying that to the new woman by his side.  With some (a lot) of wine, fireworks & friends, I survived the evening. Thankful to have not crossed paths again, I am glad I got the 1st couple sighting out of the way & that I had the support of my girl’s with me.

And, now that I am back to living in daylight hours again, I’ve been feeling like its time to jump back on the dating bandwagon!

As I walked around the lake the other evening, a calmness came over me, with a soothing sense of readiness – it’s time to  put my profiles back up online & take an active role in finding my partner. While I’ve enjoyed the past few months following my interests, in the theory of ‘love your life & love will find you’, not one date has been on the calendar. Time for action! Let’s get the momentum ball rolling!

As this decision was being made in my head, the Universe was already one step of me & as I drove home from the lake two things occurred

  • I received a text from a guy saying “hi”  (well, hello’s back at ya)
  • I got a message from a friend asking if I’d be interested in a ‘fix-up’ with her eligible bachelor friend  (yes, please)

I will say I am continuously amazed by how a slight shift in energy & thoughts can create a ripple effect, even quite quickly at times.

So, I text back the mystery guy whose name was not ringing a bell, & I can tell once I opened his text, we had chatted previously back in Sept, but never met up…at least that I could recall. We texted a couple of polite rounds & he asks if I remember him? I go for honesty & point blank tell him no. To jog my memory he offers to send a pic, if I send him one first, which I figure means he doesn’t remember me either & was just trying random #’s in this phone, hoping for a bite.

I decide to play along in the pic game out of curiosity, so I scroll through my phone looking for a good selfie & send it on over. He snaps his pic & sends one back. Oooooh, I remember that face (thankfully), but that’s all I remember! We had narrowed it down to eHarmony, so I figured at this point if we jumped through all their hoops to getting to the exchanging numbers part, I must’ve liked something about him…then he asks for another pic! I joked 1 a night is my limit, yet he kept asking & snapped another of himself to show me just how easy it was.  Now mind you, the pic I sent was from a lil bit ago when I was having an ‘I feel pretty’ moment. I was currently sitting there with my hair pulled back, make-up off & glasses on (not feeling my prettiest we’ll just say) ~ there was no way in hell I’m snapping that image for a stranger.  His persistency paid off & there I was at 10:30pm digging around my closet for the top I had on in the original pic I sent & fixing my hair to recreate the same look…playing in to the fantasy that we ladies sit around looking ready for a photo op anytime…I can’t believe I fed the illusion & didn’t present the real me in the moment, but what can I say…modern dating is silly! I’m silly & I want a date dammit!

So to recap my ramblings, here’s the current standings:

  • Date with old eHarmony match set
  • Pending evening out with the friend fix-up
  • Online profiles going back up this week
  • Enjoying daytime sunshine & sleeping at night
  • Life is good

I’m feeling super grateful to have some time to take care of myself again & I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months…who knows what lies ahead but I’ll keep you in the loop


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Life is just a bowl of cherries…

Its the lil things

In the darkness of the early morning, I realized what love is.

It was a damp & chilly morning, fresh from a rainy night, mist still filled the air. Beautiful on all counts, except for having to be at work at an ungodly hour.
Usually I try & not subject my babe to the early alarms & my morning routine (why should both of us go sleepless?), but we hadn’t seen each other in about a week, so I had stayed over to cozy in.

As I left his place, he asked if I wanted him to come open the gate & I said “no, of course not, don’t be silly, stay in, & stay warm”, kissed him goodbye & wished him a good day.
Out into the elements I went…

I saw another tenant leaving so I figured I’d piggy back on her open gate & squeak through. As I neared the gate I saw a guy holding an umbrella, he  came out & opened the gate anyways, slippers & all, freezing his tooshie off.
My heart melted a lil :)))
He forewent his comfort to make sure I got out okay & without having to get wet.
Who does that???

That’s when I started thinking about relationships & the natural evolution they take. 
At first, its all sparkly, shiny & new. Everything is exciting.
There’s grand gestures in the woo-ing process. (All fantastic & great, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy’em as much as the next gal) 
But then, as you get to know each other, you aim for happiness through the lil things that you know will mean something to them, the tiny selfless acts done just to see their smile.

My babe is wonderful at taking care of me & I wanted to give a lil shout out to all the things he does that warm my heart 😉

~ opens driveway gates in his pjs on a dark & rainy early morning ~
~ warms up my side of the bed before I crawl in ~
~ has my favorite coffee creamer in his fridge ~
~ makes me coffee! ~
~ puts extra chapstick on, then kisses me goodnight so my lips stay soft too ~
~ good morning texts ~
~ flowers for no reason ~
~ let’s me warm my frozen feet on his legs (you’re a crazy man!!) ~
~ smiles when our eyes catch ~
~ shares friendly competitions with me 😉 ~
~ teaches me i-things w/patience & no judgement ~
~ looks up good traffic routes for me ~
~ wishes me good night & sweet dreams each evening ~
~ lotions up my back ~
~ will snuggle on the couch & watch Smash with me ~
~ massages my feet after a long day ~
Just a taste of what makes me smile each day & why I love my man!! 
I only hope I give as much to him.
I’m so enjoying this journey of learning, growing, making mistakes, connecting, sharing, and most importantly – loving!


It has been brought to my attention (by my honey) that I breezed over a particularly wonderful date in one of my montages…lil did I know how much fun he had this night ~ sorry babe to have brushed over what truly was a fun night out. Thanks for reminding me 😉
In writing this blog, I’ve just been putting all my thoughts out there, as I feel’em. I love hearing your feedback, & what I’ve found especially interesting to learn is what bits he hasn’t realized I was experiencing or feeling – I always feel like I’m an open book…guess not.
 And now it has helped me learn too what his feelings have been towards certain moments 🙂

He’s brought this up & I’m toying with the idea (actually quite digging it) of making this like a “he said/she said” style ~ I love hearing the man’s perspective! We’ll see…

But on with our date ~
We had talked about hitting the Downtown L.A. Artwalk that happens once every month on a Thursday evening.
It worked out perfectly ~ he worked downtown, I had meetings downtown that day & a friend was hosting a pre-artwalk gathering at her loft ~ all signs pointed to finally hitting it.

He joined me at the lil soiree after work for some mingling. In a city so big, it really is small, especially in the industry & turns out he knew a co-worker of mine who was there…I shoulda figured, I mean we all are 6′ separated 😉

From there, we wandered down a few blocks to check out a few galleries.

 The streets are packed on these evenings! Its very cool to see L.A. folk actually outside of their cars & out on the streets. There’s a great energy among so many different types of people all out to appreciate a common theme – ART!

The “thinking Jester” is a HUGE painting on the side of a building – I adore street art (not graffiti) but coming across art in your daily route is like a breathe of fresh air.  

 My tribute to Lily Tomlin ~ lil girl/big chair


We wandered in & out of store fronts, our eyes dancing from paintings to sculptures, we climbed up old buildings to find treasures on the top floors, we even found a groovy hair salon within a gallery/apt (?)

We turned a corner & there it was – The Mandoline Grill truck – I was/am addicted to their Vietnamese nachos & wanted him to fall in love with them too. Crispy salty chips topped with spicy creamy Sriracha sauce, fresh mint & cilantro, spicy grilled tofu (or meat if you prefer) – all mouth-watering goodness!! If you see their truck, STOP & GET THESE!

 We started to make our way back to our cars but found ourselves lured into this old classic bar that has been revived & is quite gorgeous ~ The Broadway Bar.
Everything from the lighting to the furniture was amazing!
The music a bit loud & the place being packed, we grabbed our cocktails & hit the patio.

Tucked into our own private corner, we enjoyed our night cap & each other.

Always the gentleman, he walked me to my car. 
Not quite ready to say goodnight, we both climbed into my car ~ we kissed, we chatted, he held me close. Things started to get a lil hot inside the car, as my seat reclined back & he leaned over, bright lights shone into my car & a tap on my window. Oh dear god, busted by the cops like 2 teenagers up at “make out point”
Well, I guess that’s the end of that, huh?
At least we ended the evening ticket-free & w/o a record of public indecency 😉

Okay, he’s right, how could I have brushed over a date like this???
Cheers xo

Hittin a groove…

The Bonaventure Hotel,
Downtown L.A.
The Bona Vista Lounge @
The Bonaventure Hotel

 Sooooooo, it’s looking a lil like it’s date montage time again =)

Two, almost 3 months in & we still wanted to see each other as much as we could, it was a bit ridiculous, but I was enjoying every moment we got to spend together.
We even had figured out how to be out on the town every now & then with our busy schedules – the Autumn in L.A. was alot of fun, falling in love.

Our city view 

 Since he worked downtown & I would find myself down there on location quite often too, we’d squeeze in a cocktail every now & then 🙂

We also hit a stretch of 3 weeks where he had his kids full time, which having not gotten to the stage of meeting them, meant showing some restraint & not getting to see him as often…

Not being able to live on texts & calls alone, one night we both found ourselves downtown finishing up work & he suggested squeezing in a drink at the famed Bonaventure Hotel.
OF COURSE! I missed my babe!

He treated me to a quiet romantic time high above the city skyline in the rotating rooftop Bona Vista Lounge.

There was much debate as to if we were really moving or just the exterior windows were…I think I lost that one 😉

Library Bar, Downtown L.A.

 It was the perfect fix I needed to finish out my week…

Another night, we hit the Library Bar, so at least we felt intellectual as we sipped our drinks & soaked up our time together. A great date spot to cozy in & chat.

His kids ended up with sleepovers one weekend, which meant bonus time with my babe – YAY!
This time we stayed in & it was peeerrrrrfect!
He wined & dined me at his place by candlelight, outdoors in the crisp evening air, the fire pit crackled as we looked out over the quiet city below.
Our own world, surrounded by nature & in each other’s arms ~ this was worth the wait 😉

On came the music, pop went the champagne bottle & into the hot tub we climbed, the warmth enveloping us as we kissed in each other’s arms. 

Early the next morning I was off to San Diego for an indie designer sale with my clothing company & wouldn’t you know he got up, made me coffee & breakfast for the road ~ the best honey ever!!
When I opened up the goodie bag he put together, there was a delicious cup of fruits – he CHOPPED fruits!! He’s too good to me!

His check-in texts & cheers for me throughout the day kept me smiling & gave me energy to keep on selling. 
A great weekend for sure!!

Another lil surprise
A simple & beautiful bouquet of one of my favorite flowers, the gerbera daisy, from my babe… just because