Hello

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Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything! It’s amazing how fast the days go by lately. I would’ve sworn to myself that I posted something earlier this year, but it must have just been the rough drafts that I create in my head & they didn’t actually make it out on to the page…sometimes there’s a lot rattling around up there. Makes me wonder what else I’ve forgotten to say or do that I thought I already had done this year, hmmmmm…oh well, time will tell. For now, I’m back now to share more tales.

I’ll be honest about my disappearing act. I was beginning to censor myself & that’s one thing I don’t really want to do in my writing. I pride myself in my honesty & transparency on the page, so when that wasn’t happening I got quiet. I realized while being open with my life, the sharing of my words could affect others & I wanted to be conscious of that so I took some time to figure it out.

So here’s the truth ~ I broke one of my cardinal rules.  I became Facebook friends with a man, who was a potential romantic interest. I choose to break this rule as it was the mode of “introduction” from a mutual friend, who bless her heart, thought we may be a match. I will admit it was helpful in nosing around a lil to get an idea of who he was, but it also burst the bubble of intrigue that comes with each date as you solve more mysteries about who they are & I found myself already seeing why we wouldn’t work out. But nevermind that as I didn’t let it stop me from meeting up with him. I went in being open-minded with no expectations. At our 1st “not really a date” social interaction, I had a pretty good time (but how could I not at a whiskey tasting where there was 15 men to every gal?!). So I graciously accepted his invite for an actual date the following week (there was definitely more mystery to this one beyond his fb page).

When that date arrived, I was greeted with the information that he too had being doing his Facebook re-con & mentioned how much he enjoyed reading my blog. That thought had never occurred to me! That he’d actually read my posts. I felt strangely exposed, virtually naked sitting there at the restaurant table. I generally try to follow the dating etiquette of never talking about my ex, or past dating disasters, but there he sat knowing it all. I had also figured he might bring a bit of material to the page, but as you know, it promptly shut me up knowing he’d read it.

I know that everything I write I should be able to say it as if that person was right next to me, but sometimes in the early stages of dating & you’re unsure of what you’re feeling, & it helps to process it with friends, or journaling, or blogging (or all of the above) without involving their feelings until you’re sure of your’s…does that make sense?

Long story short, we’re still Facebook friends. We only managed to get 2 dates in before busy schedules & dwindling interest did us in. I’m sure if he reads this, he’d agree too, that we weren’t destined to be. Lesson learned ~ stick to your original rules, they’re there for a good reason!

Seeing as it has been over a year, I do have quite a handful of stories to tell you, but I’d like to share something that’s been bothering me since last weekend.

For the long holiday weekend, I decided to escape away to a cabin in Big Bear, all by myself. It’d be an easy two hour getaway from Los Angeles that feels like a whole other world, exactly what I was looking for.  All I wanted to do this Thanksgiving was cozy up next to a fire & escape into a good book, in solitude, surrounded by nature. I have always dreamed of romantic weekend getaways up there, but had yet to visit, so I decided to stop dreaming & just make it happen ~ solo.

I got the car all packed up. Wine – check, cozy blankets – check, books (mystery adventure – check, witty autobiography – check), snacks – check, & enough yummy sweaters to keep me warm all winter – check, new Adele album downloaded for obnoxious car singalong – check.  I was excited to hit the road. Quality Me time here I come!

I felt so free on the open road (well, after an hour+ of gridlock on the 210 freeway, weren’t people supposed to gathering around a turkey by now?!). Starting over the mountain pass, I couldn’t resist opening the windows for the crisp fresh air. Ahhhhh so good! I hit the crest & as I started down in to the valley side, there it was – snow! Yes! Proof of an actual season, of weather in Southern California. This Colorado girl couldn’t resist, I had to pull over in the turnout & soak up the view as the flakes fell. This trip was off to a great start.

Then I did something I never expected myself to do. When I got to the lodge to check-in, they asked me “how many keys would you like? Two?” “Yeah, 2 would be great, thanks”. What? Why on earth would I need 2 keys? Was I planning on losing one? Did I need a backup? Was I gonna slip one to a handsome gentleman while out on the town? NO. No, none of this was true. The only truth was was that I was embarrassed all of a sudden to admit I was a Party of One. Why was I so concerned about being judged for my singular status? I punched my own self in the gut.

I left the lobby hoping they wouldn’t notice that there was no one else in the car waiting for me. The silly girl with 2 keys. I drove around & found my adorable little cabin on the lake and promptly forgot my single woes. My home for the next few days was glorious ~ the perfect log cabin, rustic mountain-y decor, complete with fireplace. The dream getaway was coming true.

I decided to explore the town a bit and find some dinner before it got too late. If you can’t have turkey, why not order some Thai! With the snow continuing to fall, I wanted to warm my soul, so I ordered a bowl of soup & an entree. As I sat and waited for my order, I watched families scurrying by outside looking for warm places to duck in to. Tables were filled inside the restaurant  with boisterous groups enjoying each other’s company. As the waitress was packing up my order, she asked about utensils “For two?” she innocently asked. I paused, nodded & said yes. YES? Really again? To be fair, I’m not sure if it was my inner fat-girl, or lonely girl responding, afraid of being shamed…either way, I did it to myself AGAIN!

I am a very independent person. I am used to doing many things on my own, it’s not like this is new to me, so why was I having difficulty today owning who I am?

Once nestled back in my cabin, with the fire roaring, I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I knew this weekend was exactly what I’d been needing. The rest of the weekend was beautiful. I woke to a quiet snow covered town, spent the days exploring the Village and nature around the Lake, sipped hot drinks & went to the annual Christmas tree lighting ~ I felt like a local & I loved it.

Yet, it was still nagging at my gut. Why was I ashamed to admit to being solo? What does it matter what a stranger thinks? It dawned on me while I drove home, I’m the one judging myself. I’m ashamed that I haven’t found someone to share my adventures with. I’m ashamed my dream of a family isn’t a reality yet. When asked if I’m married or have kids, I always smile & make some hopeful remark, but truthfully I’m shaming myself on the inside. This weekend brought it to the surface & its time I start accepting the wonderful life I do have. Its good to have dreams & maybe someday they’ll come true, but what is right now is pretty darn awesome.

 

Gone Boy Crazy

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Pretty can be prickly

 

I don’t know if it’s the warmer temps, the unstructured days, or the fact I’ve gotten actual sleep, but I’ve gone doggone boy crazy! I see handsome men everywhere I go. I’m smiling & giggling (to myself) like a silly lil school girl, I can’t help it!  I’ve even noticed getting more help in the grocery store from the attentive stock boys & extra shots of espresso from the handsome baristas…a girl could get used to this.

There’s a lot of change swirling about in my life these days (all good) & I think its shook off some of the dust that has settled in over these past couple of years.  With these past two weeks free from work, my social calendar  has kicked up a few notches & I owe you stories featuring a handful of suitors…BUT I cannot wait to share this story, so pardon me while I skip ahead to yesterday’s whirlwind romance…

It all started a coupla weeks ago while playing the game of Tinder.  I swiped right. He swiped right.

And within minutes a message from him. “Oh, a live one” I thought…I’ve found on my recent return back to the dating app, that while the matches may be plenty, the man who actually makes the initial move is a rare breed.  And as a lady who likes her men to take the lead, I always engage with those bold enough to muster the first “hi”.

This one, ooooh let’s call him Mr. Tenacious (Mr. T), sends his hello, quickly followed up with an invite to go shoot pool in NoHo right then.  I look at the clock, it’s 11:30 pm on a Sunday. Sure, I’m not doing anything besides swiping my evening away, but I wonder ~ does he really mean ‘let’s go shoot some pool’ or is that some euphemism for sex these days (balls, sticks, holes…I don’t know??)  I end up ignoring the invite, pretty much wanting to nip the late night impromptu suggestions in the bud.

I know from his profile he’s a road manager for rock bands, so its safe to assume he’s a night owl.  The next morning I wake to find a message flashing in my inbox. It was Mr. T apologizing. He hadn’t realized the time when he messaged & wanted to wish me a good day.  Ok, so maybe he is a cool guy who’s body clock is off & who better to understand that than this gal, fresh off of 2 months of night work.

I decide to give him a chance & we message back & forth lil notes, nothing earth shattering, over the next couple of days until he hits the road with work for a week.  Cut to this week, guess who’s back from Cleveland? You got it!

The ‘dip the toe in’ messages began ~ “good morning”, “good evening”, nothing of substance. I quickly tire of this & having to log-in to the app to converse, so I send him my phone number…sometimes you win with this, sometimes you wish you had a 2nd line for your potential suitors.  The giving of the numbers occurred about 10am yesterday. By noon he called, no voice message, but was followed by a text to say he had called…gotcha! He asked “you working now?”

I was in the middle of a project & responded a couple of hours later & sillily mentioned my work got pushed by a couple of days. Ten minutes pass. My phone rings, its him. I answer. “Lattes. You. Me. Now”

Ummmmm…hmmmmmm latte with a fly by the seat of your pants type of guy or laundry at the laundromat on a hot afternoon??? This hopeful romantic, caffeine-addict said yes.

Turns our Mr. T does not have a car (in LA?!) but thankfully takes responsibility for getting himself places like a responsible adult (unlike another recent gentleman caller).  We decide to keep it local for him, which worked well for an errand I needed to run too, so killing two birds with one latte…we opted for convenience & picked Starbucks for our coffee date. We had our cross streets & we each began to head that direction.

Turns out there’s 3 Starbucks in that general area, shocking I know! Being on top of it, he sent over the address, a map, and general directions ~ thorough? chivalrous? obsessive compulsive? or in desperate need of his caffeine fix? I’d learn soon enough.  I thought it’d be a funny “meet cute” that we’d both be at different locations, both technically correct, we’d bicker bout who’s right over the phone as we walked to meet in the middle, lattes in hand, our eyes lock mid-block & we just know…ha! Ok, cut the background music, back to reality we come.

My 1st stop ended up running a lil long & he landed across the street. He texts that he’s secured me a meter on the side street & will see me there. Two things ~

  1. There’s a giant free parking lot in the back, which always has available spots
  2. If he doesn’t have a car, how is he securing the spot? Sitting in it?

I can only chuckle, shrug my shoulders & go in search of my gallant parking knight.  I arrive to stories of fighting off a BMW, a Lexus & an angry mini-van mom. He paid the meter, he owns that space!  He makes me laugh.

Earlier while en route to the date, he texted asking my sign & if I had ever dated a Gemini?  Apparently they still ask ‘hey baby, what’s your sign?’  No previous Gemini beaus I tell him…can’t wait to see where this conversation is headed.  Right off the bat once we get in line to order drinks, he dives in with Gemini traits ~ they’re enthusiastic (check) & they know what they like (a triple shot, 6 pumps vanilla wet cappuccino). Not 5 pumps, not 7, precisely 6.  Once we get outside, he follows it up with “Geminis are great lovers too”.  Oh boy, we’ve got a ‘live one’ is right!

Conversation ping-pongs around all over the place, no single thought is finished. I try to keep up. He’s fun & quite possibly crazy…another Gemini trait?

He was getting hot & sweating quite a bit, so I suggest going into the a/c but he thought it’d be much more fun to stroll the boulevard, window shop & chat. Um,ok.

A couple of blocks in I was regretting my lack of sunscreen & poor choice of shoes, usually cute sandals are safe for a coffee date.  We thankfully tuck into some shade & I get the Instagram tour of his life on the road. It looks pretty awesome. He does get to see some pretty great places, but he’s gone most of the year.  Back out in the beating sun, he grabs my coffee & puts it in my other hand while sliding his sweaty palm into mine. Oh, oh, oh…c’mon…  I suggest turning back once we’ve passed all the shops, sensing he could just wander for hours.

On the return stroll he asks multiple times what I’m doing tomorrow, the next day & the next. He’s starting to plan for our next date ~ driving around to see movie locations around town from our favorite movies (kind of a cool date idea). He had downloaded an app earlier in the date that gave all the info. Of course I joke about how are we going to get to all these locations. “Well, you’d be driving, of course” he says straight-faced. Silly me.

He makes his intentions very clear he wants to see me 2-3 times before he hits the road next week, yet I feel we’ve learned absolutely nothing about each other during this date to warrant more. Then he starts eluding to his extra airline vouchers he needs to use & maybe we could make good use of those…we’ll see.

I’m so overwhelmed.  I am not a future-izer! At this point I’m just walking along sipping whats left of my iced coffee, wide eyed & listening to him go.  Thankfully I had already established early on that I had to leave to pick up my friend at the airport, & oh lookie, its that time.

He walked me to my car, gave me an enthusiastic hug, lingered, then dove in for another hug, lips beelining for mine. I try the cheek dive, but he outsmarts me, man he’s fast!  I get in my car and laugh, what a random Monday afternoon. Dating is funny.

I’m not even two blocks away & the texts begin

  • Had a great time
  • Looking forward to our adventures
  • 😉
  • You can follow me on Facebook
  • Here’s my Instagram name
  • Here’s my Twitter

Invoking the ‘safe driver’ clause, I did not respond then, figuring I’d follow up later.  After a long catch up session over dinner with my friend, I texted him to say thanks for the afternoon fun & that I had made it with perfect timing to the airport.  Whoops, that was waking the beast. Sometimes I never know when to leave good enough alone. I gotta go & “be polite”, then things get weird.  He calls in response to my text, again it’s later in the night (what was I thinking?).  He’s talking low & sexy, says its so he won’t disturb his roommate.  Its awkward.  I don’t even remember what we talked about. We hang up.

A minute later he texts ~ “Can I be direct with you?”  Well, I figure this could go any which way, seeing as I have no clue what just happened on the phone. I’m curious, so I say “sure”.  This is the text I get back: (sorry mom) “Iam so f*****g hard right now & want to have sex with you for hours. Zero drama. Just amazing sex”.  Yep, that’s direct.  I’m all fired up as I read it. The Universe has been playing with me lately, testing me with setting my boundaries, which I fail to do early on, so I pounced on this opportunity & set him straight.

And again, in response, the Gemini in him is just a sensual being, he practices tantra, it’ll be amazing…blah, blah, blah. Ok so he’s not listening to me, best to just shut up, Thus ending the whirlwind romance with Mr. T in my book.

He kept on texting about the map he was creating for our next date. He was even gung-ho & chipper with texts this morning.  I think we loved enough in the span of 24 hours to last us a lifetime ~ thank you Mr. T.

I am not myself these days…

Do you ever feel out of sorts? I mean, for a long time? To the point where you can’t remember who or how you used to be, but something doesn’t quite feel like you’re being you anymore?

I have been angry lately, like snap back at you angry & that is soooooo not me. I’ve actually scared myself with some of my reactions lately. Yesterday I got so mad because the Sun was trying to come out, I was literally bitching out loud in the car & even forced a friend to listen to my rant, c’mon Carlie pull yourself together! But seriously the sun comes out every damn day here, sometimes you want a breather from the warm glow telling you ‘you should be happy, its gorgeous out’ (again!)…I enjoy variety & maybe that’s whats been missing. Being greeted by the cloudy morning, I was energized to go & be outside, enjoying the freshness of the gray moments. Maybe I felt part of that joy fading as the Sun tried to peak through sparking my anger, fists shaking at the sky ‘I’ll get you Sun’ (yes, I’m becoming a crazy lady)…

My anger has been bubbling up these past few days in various situations too. I’ve been very short with people, maybe some deserved my curt responses, but most have probably not ~ I’m sorry. I hear the words coming out of my mouth & it’s like I’m on a 5 second delay watching & hearing myself behave badly without any control! Who am I?! It is kind of liberating saying what I’m thinking & feeling versus putting on my sunny disposition, but usually my sunny disposition is actually me & not an act…lately it feels like an act because its how people expect me to be. Am I really a positive person? Maybe I’m beginning to embrace my inner ‘cranky old bitty’…oh god, I’m too young to be cranky already…

There’s a few areas in my life these days that are up in the air & I think, oh who am I kidding, I KNOW its freaking me out a bit, so I’m hoping this may be accounting for my anger phase. Unknowns, up-in-the-air’s, unstructured life is not my style & this process of learning how to roll with it has been a bit bumpy. At times it feels like I have a lil angel on one shoulder & a lil instigator devil on the other. One reassuring me of what lies ahead, while the other is spouting all these logistical things to freak me out. Argh! So I tune them out binging on House of Cards…not helpful 😉

I’m taking control in one area & trying a new game plan.

I’m always getting a ton of advice on my dating life. Mostly from paired off friends, who look at me with a mix of empathy & pity. Their favorite adage is ‘he’ll come when you least expect it’, or ‘it’ll happen when you’re not looking’.  Yes, this could be true, but I spent the better half of my 30’s just ‘going about life’ with lil to no success, so I decided to take action.  This dive all in, get a dating coach kind of action did bring me dates. It brought me many experiences, some good, some bad, some humorous. There’s been much education in these dating years, but it has also turned me a lil cynical at the moment. I have decided to stop taking an active pursuit in dating. I am going to listen to their advice & not ‘be looking’, but what will be different this time versus my 30’s is that I am taking an active role in living a life I love & enjoy. I haven’t been doing that lately & I certainly wasn’t doing that in my 30’s (even though I thought I kinda was).

Maybe its the ticking over into 40, maybe its the big space of unknowns I’m sitting in, but all I know is that I need to get back in touch with myself for the ultimate goal of loving myself & not finding a partner.  I have done & am familiar with what this work looks like, but when I’ve done it in the past I think I was focusing on the end goal of a partner to share my life with & not truly accepting myself as lovable while single. I get it now. I’m ready to explore.

All the walls have been pulled down today. Freedom is surrounding me! No more okCupid profile! I love my lattes, but no more Coffee Meets Bagels, The Tinder profile is down! Good-bye eHarmony! See ya later Speed Dating! God be with you Christian Mingle!

I am FREEEEEEE & it feels so good! Hmmm, I’m starting to feel less angry…phew, I think the old ‘me’ is on her way back!

xo

A New Year has Begun…

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My view on my birthday morning along the Santa Barbara pier. The Sun returned after days of glorious rains, the bright blue sky went on for miles & the ocean breeze filled my lungs. Couldn’t have felt more alive!

Its a lil crazy to think that I’m 40. I oddly haven’t had any trouble swallowing the actual number this year, but it still feels kind of abstract. I can remember as a child when my parents hit their 40’s & I couldn’t imagine being that old & yet now I feel so young.

I’m very excited for this new chapter. There’s been a lot of change swirling about & I can’t wait to see what unfolds! Seems to be lots of goodness…

Since it’s a new year, and the last blog title didn’t fit anymore, I figured it was time to jazz up the new blog, get a new host, a new title & a new style ~ a fresh start for 40!

Twirling Skirts is about enjoying life, being in the moment ~ if you feel like ‘twirling’, then twirl! For me, this year is a year of embracing who I am, without worry of the judgement of others. Come along on the ride as I continue my search for love & discover me in the process

To start this off ~ here’s my TOP 40 for 40

  1. Wear RED lipstick
  2. Star gaze (at actual stars in the sky)
  3. Smile at strangers
  4. Take a wine class
  5. Less pants, more dresses
  6. Be open to possibilities
  7. Visit Portland
  8. Laugh daily
  9. Dance in the rain (probably possible while doing #7)
  10. See ART, in any form, each month
  11. Put my toes in the sand more often
  12. Write more
  13. Enjoy nature, go for more hikes
  14. Let miracles happen
  15. Picnic with friends
  16. Dance!
  17. Read a book a month
  18. Make time for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
  19. Send out pretty cards for no reason other than I’m thinking of you
  20. Enjoy good chocolate
  21. Hug more often
  22. Talk more, text less
  23. Date fearlessly
  24. Take a cooking class
  25. Get out on a boat, its been way too long!
  26. Keep my body in motion
  27. Share
  28. See more live music
  29. Try learning French (again)
  30. Believe in love
  31. Have faith in God’s plan for me
  32. Enjoy being in my ‘feminine’
  33. Get out of the country, again its been way too long
  34. Trust
  35. Kiss passionately
  36. State my needs
  37. Adopt/rescue a dog
  38. Attend a retreat (yoga, writing, anything) somewhere tranquil
  39. Hold hands
  40. Enjoy delicious things, guilt-free

Let the adventures begin!!  xo

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Gorgeous blooms out on my hotel patio. Everything felt so clean & fresh after the storm. If even for one night, I had the dream ~ being able to be outdoors while at “home”

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Everywhere I walked I saw beauty!

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Just brilliant! Art, wine, music…all within block of each other. My kind of hiking!

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One of the stops on my ‘trek’, a converted tire shop with the most delicious wines, cool tunes, along with beautiful photos and art on their walls ~ Oreana Winery is a fave

                   

It was bound to happen…

Looking for love online does come with its risks, I mean you are talking to complete strangers.
Why do we so easily open up to them, to the idea of them as a mate?
Its not like we’re handing out our numbers & hearts to every guy who walks by in the grocery store. In person we seem to be a lil more guarded with our hearts, but online we gaze at their pics, we read their words, exchange some emails & all of sudden a fantasy of what life could be like with him is dancing in our head.

We hold their well crafted words to be truth, their pictures to be the “everyday” version them, & not a well lit, best angle snapshot that is not reality from most angles.
And well, it finally happened…
the “inaccurate photo” guy finally showed up.

Mr. Pics & I mutually “chose” each other on OkCupid through their “Quick Match” system, where they give you a lil glimpse at each other’s profile’s & you give star ratings ~ lucky for us we each gave the other 4 or 5 stars.
Emails announcing your mutual interest are sent, let the connecting begin…

A couple of rounds of emails, a request for my number, the ring of my phone & the fun begins…
Completely shocked that he rang a mere 2 hours after asking for my number, I figured I HAD to answer the phone & I was really glad I did!
Turns out he’s a very talkative type, which is great for me (I’m a good listener-type).
We chatted for a coupla hours, yes hours(!), & when we hung up I actually said out loud “well that was fun”.
I couldn’t believe how enjoyable our conversation was ~ it had been a while since I was intrigued by a man and what he had to say. He was funny, took risks, loved what he does for a living, shared similar interests ~ I couldn’t wait to meet him.

We decided to meet on Sunday.
He offered to come my direction (points for him, especially considering he’s a West-sider)
I couldn’t tell with the options he threw out there ~ cafes to bars, what exactly kind of date we were going for.
We ended up with the bar/restaurant option based on their great patio, but chose to meet a 4p (?) – is that a late lunch? Early dinner? Drinks only? Who knew what this date held…

He was definitely manicure worthy, I mean I had been looking forward to meeting him all week. I had my favorite dress on, my best smelling perfume, I was feeling pretty & couldn’t wait to meet him!

We both arrived at the same time, and since the place was virtually empty at that hour, he was easy to spot, except that he looked nothing like his pictures ~
easily 30-40lbs heavier than presented online.
Yes, his profile said “a lil extra”, which his pics somewhat represented, but…

After the awkward hello’s & we immediately went to the LA standard safe topic – traffic!
As he got our drinks, I noticed his entire back was wet with sweat & as we sat and talked he continued to sweat for another 15 minutes.
My mind wandered to activities we could be doing in the future & wondering how much he’d be sweating.
I mean, he got out of a BMW, so I know he had air conditioning, if crossing the street caused this sweat, I could only imagine…

The date was fine, he’s a talker, like I said, so I learned alot.
Has roommates, 2 other guys – they call it their halfway house for divorcees (lovely)
Still not divorced (great)

As I sat there I kept questioning myself & how superficial am I???? 
Yes, we were not meeting up on other points too, but if we were “connecting” could I get past the extra lbs?
And if I expect him to be leaner, how can I judge with my “soft” spots?
I’m not a Sz 2 model/actress type that roam the streets here ~
who am I to be picky?
Maybe I should accept what interest is shown to me & get this done?

What wins out in the end?
Attraction?
Personality?
If we want/expect to be attracted to our mates, must we live up to that standard we’re setting for them?
This has really left me spinning & questioning myself, how dare I judge him when I’m not perfect? If I want a lean man, should I assume he’ll want the same & I need to diet more?

This experience, on top of the previous half dozen, has left me wanting to take a break.
A friend says she’ll only let me take a week off, but I’m not sure if that’s enough time for my heart.
I’m tired of being alone, but lonely & disappointed is worse.

I’ve recently started back to a job I thought I enjoyed, but in a matter of days I’ve seen myself crash. The grueling hours have sucked any joy I had for it out. And with these hours, I have no time for myself, my business or my dating life.
I do this job to support my business, but I’m left pondering if I was to give up my business, then my financial stresses will feel some relief, then maybe I can find a job with humane hours?
And if I give up my business, why stay here in LA?
Maybe to find the love of my life, I need to move on…
Am I willing to make finding LOVE my priority?

I used to think I loved what I did for a living & loved my business, but I’m beginning to wonder if they’re safety nets to hide in?

I’m too tired to answer these questions right now, but they’ve got me thinking.
I’m sending prayers up.
Maybe its time to move on
xo

God Bless Pie

Ahhhhh, a new week has begun, what adventures lie ahead???

I will say, it is off to a great start!!
I know I’m always telling you stories as I look for love, but I’ve gotta share this high I’m on tonight ~
Earlier today I had some big decisions to make with my upcoming collection for Ch*Armz, of course the creative side of the decision process was fun (I love that part!) but when it came down to all the other stuff, I was spinning out in my head.
I did not want to freeze & over-think, but yet I’ve gotta think it through…how much is too much when it comes to thinking?
My gut knew I was on the right path, I just needed to keep reminding my feet to take one step, then another. It was time for action instead of analyzation.
And I did, I took action!
I sit here with a living room full of fabric I adore & now I’m looking at the next step.
Today showed me I do have faith in myself & in my abilities.

I am giddy at the thought of the next few months as I challenge myself to step outside of my fears & believe in me!
My “safe” life is great, but I have dreams for it to be bigger & I can make it bigger!

And of course this pertains to love too!!
I’m working on pushing through my fears of getting hurt & being vulnerable again, believing I’m enough & lovable, but it’s not always easy…

Take for instance, Guy #4.
I should’ve known when he booked the date & said “let’s do early on Friday (7p) before we get our night’s started”.
I hate to say it, but he was my Friday night. 
It may be the romantic in me, but even if we say we’re just meeting for drinks, I like to keep the evening open to the possibility of anything, we may hit it off, decide to have dinner, talk for hours, who knows…end up at the beach with our toes in the sand.
OR home 45 minutes later with a box salad & Liz Lemon.

We met at Golden Road Brewery, which is a great casual spot, if you’re a beer drinker, which he is not. Odd choice of venue. He ordered wine.
They have the communal dining experience, so our 1st date was joined 2 other couples & a family of 3, nice & intimate 😉
Once we got our drinks & squeezed ourselves into a table, the stand-up routine began.
I thought he was a producer/sax player/movie critic, now we’re adding comedian to the mix?
Oh boy!
Oh & he’s also a baker, which may have been what lured me on the date to be honest 😉

So, we get to talking about baked goods & here comes the schtick.
He’s talking about the “Republic of Pies” somewhere in the Valley, 
my interest is piqued, what’s on the menu, where is it, etc…& he gets rolling with its more of a “dictatorship of pies”, no wait its an “oligarchy of pies”…is it, is it an oligarchy? he asks….& PULLS OUT HIS PHONE, gotta Google this…yep, yep its an”Oligarchy of Pies”
He’s cracking himself up. I wince, fake chuckle & gulp my beer. 

And in a blink of an eye our mini date was done, he had dinner plans.
Points for at least paying for my drink, but they were quickly lost as he couldn’t even walk me 3 cars past his to mine.
I like when they make it clear as day that you’d never like to see them again.
Next…

I will say I’m glad Guys 1-4 have gotten me back out there; they’ve introduced me to some great restaurants, lounges & cuisine.
They have also shown me I need to tune back in to what type of partner I’m looking for & not be so eager to just get to the date.
I want the dates to be fun & be something I look forward to…
I look forward to the endless conversations, the holding hands, the laughing & the sharing as we get to know each other…

I’m diving back in the sea to find my fish.
Guaranteed more stories to follow 😉

In the meantime, I’m curling up with some love letters & great stories.
In a recent trip to Ojai with Mom, we came across this amazing outdoor book store, Bart’s Books.
We got lost in there for hours. Mom in reflexology. Me in great love stories of the past.   

 I found an interesting biography of JFK & Jackie’s love & life together that I couldn’t resist getting, I want behind the story of Camelot. Plus its an old hard cover book, just like good ole library days. It feels so weird to turn actual pages! I love it!

And as I dug through stacks of books, I was drawn to Keats & his love letters to Fanny Brawne…awww the beauty of words!

Look at that gaze!

13 October, 1819

“…My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? I have no limit to my love now….Your note came in just here. I cannot be happier away from you. ‘Tis richer than an Argosy of Pearles. Do not threaten me in jest. I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion – I have shudder’d at it. I shudder no more – I could be martyr’d for my Religion – Love is my religion – I could die for that. I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet. You have ravish’d me away by a Power I cannot resist; and yet I could resist til I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often ‘to reason against the reason of my Love.’ I can do no more – the pain would be too great. I cannot breathe without you.
                                                                                                                  Yours for ever
                                                                                                                        John Keats

And on that note…
xo

Mid-week musings




Alrighty, I’m a month into the Summer of YES, thought I’d check in & give y’all a lil update.
I will say that saying “yes” keeps one’s calendar quite full!
Between friends, family, travel, OkCupid & How bout we?, life has been one activity to the next.

My month on How bout we? is up & here’s what I’ve learned from this dating site:
~While the site’s intent is to get you offline quicker & out dating, it’s like pulling teeth to get the men to actually ask you out, still lots of emails pinging back & forth…boring, let’s meet up!
~ Men love the “Intrigued” button…c’mon, man up & actually start a conversation!
~ Men love to put wildly creative 1st dates up, which is quite a fantastic insight to their personality, but has yet to have been the actual 1st date.
~ Women put realistic dates like “let’s go for coffee or a drink” 
(which has been what the 1st dates have actually been at the man’s suggestion funnily enough)
~ Silly screen names are abundant
~ Like most other sites, some conversations just fade away, never to be heard from again
~ Men in their late 50’s still think they’ve got it
(I am & will always be impressed with men’s confidence levels)

While it was fun, I’m logging out of How bout we? for now. 
Heading back to work & figuring time will be limited, I might as well hang out with my good ole freebie pal, OkCupid 😉

Round up of dates from the past month: 3 guys, 7 dates
Guy #1 (OkC), oh you also know him as Chandler Bing, popped back in so unexpectedly that I found myself saying yes before I realized who I was talking to ~ but I said YES!
For our 2nd date, we were gonna hit a story slam that I wanted to go to, but I tend to forget that we live in a city of millions, so if I hear of an event chances are pretty good that at least 2-3 million also heard about it, so with a line weaving around the block, we did not get in…which really was too bad since we’d now be forced to talk over dinner. 
The food was amazing (love finding a new good Mexican food spot!) & with 2 margaritas in me I was fine to let him ramble on about doing background work (mind you, I thought he was an asst. director).
I think we all know there’s no more to this story…

Guy #2 (How bout we), caught my attention by pointing out 2 of my likes ~ he wears glasses & enjoys movies.
He recently turned 50, kinda my cap on the older man range, but thought I’d be open to it since we seemed to have similar values & interests. 
First date was fun, good conversation, & he’d picked a cool spot to meet up ~ all encouraging things.
2nd date ~ the eyeglasses stayed on the table the whole time, learned about all the diet restrictions to help lose the few lbs that have crept up since the 5-0, couldn’t really answer why his marriage ended, & kept the date going for about an hour & half too long. 
Bad date topics started coming up as we searched for conversation, learned alot during that segment of the date 😉
Wanted to try again for some silly reason & accepted Date #3.
Beautiful restaurant, very romantic, delicious food.
Wished the entire time I was there with someone else.
Things were said, true colors shown & it was confirmed we’re not a match.

Guy #3 (How bout we), took about 20 emails to get him to set up a date, which he did by emailing over his # & saying text me in the morning to make plans…ah such the gentleman.
I’ll admit that set the tone of very low expectations on my part. 
So when I texted him & he suggested a thai restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised & said yes.
Then I realized he never said a time to meet or sent over the address, a link, nothing.
Being self sufficient, I yelp’ed it, got the address & saw that it was closed.
Dilemma – share this info or let him learn the hard way? 
I figured I’d see if he’d ever set a time & catch this bit of info himself, & if I hadn’t heard from him as I left my earlier party, I might mention it via text.
Hours later I get the text saying its closed & scrambling to find a new spot, all while I’m at the party he knows I’m at & he keeps texting! (One thing I hate doing is being on my phone when out with friends, so rude!).
Picks a bar in the middle for both of us, which ends up being Silverlake.
Obnoxiously loud music & waaaaaay too hipster-y for me.
He’s a director. Most of the date he was very LA douche-y, name dropping, etc. 
Turned human when he talked about his boys.
But when conversation ran out mid-way, he grabbed my head & pulled me in & started kissing me.
Now it had been a while & I was really really missing kissing, so I gave in, to try him on.
The thing is when you do that, then realize you don’t want to be kissing him, it gets really awkward as he keeps trying for the rest of the date…
**GUYS – if you’re gonna kiss on the 1st date, wait til the end, let it build! Better yet, leave her wanting you & don’t kiss til the 2nd date** 
Felt way too violated to give him another chance.

In my 20’s I used to kiss all sorts of guys, but now I really want to be attracted to them as a person first. 
I love kissing, I do. I miss it, but making out just for the “sake of kissing” isn’t all that fun anymore. 

Oh, I almost forgot about Guy #4 (OkC), I’m meeting him for drinks on Friday.
His profile sounds great, he bakes delicious goodies ~ of course “yes” let’s meet up.
He’s a producer of entertainment news & so far our phone chats have been more interview style, but for now I’m writing it off to work-mode…we’ll see…


Now I don’t take these seriously, but I saw this week’s horoscope & could help wishing for a lil truth in it…
I think you & I both know the answer though after the above re-cap 😉
Pisces (February 20-March 20)

Paddleboarding, anyone? The Leo sun lights up your sixth house of health for the next month, calling forth the wellness warrior in you. Last week you sneered at a friend’s tireless green smoothie Instagrams, this week, you’re firing up the blender and asking her for tips on making kale. Romantic Venus cruises into your commitment zone from Monday through August 15 sprinkling serious relationship fairy dust all over your love life. Time to have The Talk, Pisces. 


I’ve been re-marathoning with 30 Rock lately & enjoying the beauty of Liz Lemon. 
She is unapologetically herself & everything out of her mouth makes me laugh!

The hopeless romantic in me is still clinging to the idea of magical first dates, getting lost in each other where the world around you disappears, falling passionately in love…but with the current date situations & Liz saying quotes like these, it makes me kinda wonder…maybe I do “just want to start a relationship 12 years in”…



Lemon out ~
xo