I’m back!

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Oh my it feels good to be back among the living!

First, I want to say thank you to all those who responded to my questions in the previous post. I had hit a lonely rough spot there for a sec & hearing your stories revived my belief in the possibilities I had begun to doubt. With each of your experiences I gained a better perspective on what real life looks like when in a long term relationship, & you helped me understand what it takes. I love my community of readers, your support keeps me hopeful as I search for love ~ thank you for being open & having the willingness to share your stories!

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit (or maybe not), but I’m back & feeling chatty! So a lil catch up ~ I got a fun opportunity back in May to work on a zombie movie, which was a genre I had never done before & I jumped at the chance. The first thing I learned Zombies = Nights (& lots of them)! So with accepting this job I knew I’d be giving up dating (& it turns out socializing in general) for a couple of months, but I figured it’d be a great Summer gig, meeting new people & I could practice my flirting skills with a whole new crew in the meantime.

With the post-wrap glow, I can say shoot ended up being a pretty great experience. Sure, we had our challenging days, endless hours under the moon & moments of questioning our choices in life, but when it came down to it we were creating something fun & doing it with cool people! And luckily for me, the crew did include a bunch of handsome, interesting men for me to get to know & while most were married or had a girlfriend, it was fun being reminded there are great quality guys in L.A.

I also learned quite a bit about myself during this shoot, here’s just a few of my revelations

  • While I consider myself a “night” person, turns out I’m not a “wee hours in the a.m.” kind of gal, the smile fades & I get very quiet, but then the sunrises & I’m back!
  • All willpower I may have at the beginning of the day when visiting the craft services table goes out the window at 1a.m. – in the battle of carrot vs. chocolate, chocolate always wins, especially if in the form of a cookie. I became a total cookie monster!
  • When I get tired (usually hitting bout 3:30-4a), I wanna snuggle. I’d feel this real need to be close to somebody, something & hug. I’d find myself leaning in to the Prop guy (my set “boyfriend”) for human contact, or putting my arms around the metal C-stands when just about anything would do to snuggle with. Curling up in my chair with an extra hoodie soothed the urge at times & added warmth too…
  • It turns out I’m verrrrry¬†territorial over my personal workspace & when it gets invaded with complete disregard I flip out! My set partner could only just laugh at me, repeatedly. It worries me a lil how I’ll react if/when I ever live with a man??!? I may need to start chillin out, but I like my space…oy!

Despite all the craziness that occurs on a shoot, when you get to see a cut of what you’ve been working so hard at, you can’t help but get excited & want to create more! Telling visual stories is so addicting…& like that, I’m sucked back in ūüôā

In some semblance to maintain sanity & a sense of reality, I’d try & connect with friends over the weekends or do some activity to remind myself that sunshine & summer fun was in full swing all around me. ¬†One night a few weeks ago, a friend had extra tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, with a girlfriend visiting in town who had never been, ¬†we, of course, jumped on the opportunity to join.

I have probably mentioned this before & I will again ~ I looooove the Hollywood Bowl, it is my favorite L.A. summer activity! It was Opening Night, with 3 great acts, fireworks & not a Zombie in sight. I was full of excitement.  And then, there he was. Like a punch to the gut, the wind was knocked out of me. There sat my ex & his latest girlfriend having a romantic pre-show picnic.

I knew this was bound to happen at some point, but of all places. I didn’t need/want to see that in a place where I hold special memories with him, but what can you do…new Bowl season, new girlfriend to bring to it…thankfully they didn’t see me. ¬†I managed to push him out of my mind & enjoy my friends for the evening…until I couldn’t anymore. ¬†The evening’s final artist performed the song “For Good”, which he had sent to me post-breakup saying it reminded him of me & our time together. It meant a lot to me then & still does…and with that the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I tried to stop my brain, but I couldn’t help thinking if he was now saying that to the new woman by his side. ¬†With some (a lot) of wine, fireworks & friends, I survived the evening. Thankful to have not crossed paths again, I am glad I got the 1st couple sighting out of the way & that I had the support of my girl’s with me.

And, now that I am back to living in daylight hours again, I’ve been feeling like its time to jump back on the dating bandwagon!

As I walked around the lake the other evening, a calmness came over me, with a soothing sense of readiness – it’s time to ¬†put my profiles back up online & take an active role in finding my partner. While I’ve enjoyed the past few months following my interests, in the theory of ‘love your life & love will find you’, not one date has been on the calendar. Time for action! Let’s get the momentum ball rolling!

As this decision was being made in my head, the Universe was already one step of me & as I drove home from the lake two things occurred

  • I received a text from a guy saying “hi” ¬†(well, hello’s back at ya)
  • I got a message from a friend asking if I’d be interested in a ‘fix-up’ with her eligible bachelor friend ¬†(yes, please)

I will say I am continuously amazed by how a slight shift in energy & thoughts can create a ripple effect, even quite quickly at times.

So, I text back the mystery guy whose name was not ringing a bell, & I can tell once I opened his text, we had chatted previously back in Sept, but never met up…at least that I could recall. We texted a couple of polite rounds & he asks if I remember him? I go for honesty & point blank tell him no. To jog my memory he offers to send a pic, if I send him one first, which I figure means he doesn’t remember me either & was just trying random #’s in this phone, hoping for a bite.

I decide to play along in the pic game out of curiosity, so I scroll through my phone looking for a good selfie & send it on over. He snaps his pic & sends one back. Oooooh, I remember that face (thankfully), but that’s all I remember! We had narrowed it down to eHarmony, so I figured at this point if we jumped through all their hoops to getting to the exchanging numbers part, I must’ve liked something about him…then¬†he asks for another pic! I joked 1 a night is my limit, yet he kept asking & snapped another of himself to show me just how easy it was. ¬†Now mind you, the pic I sent was from a lil bit ago when I was having an ‘I feel pretty’ moment. I was currently sitting there with my hair pulled back, make-up off & glasses on (not feeling my prettiest we’ll just say) ~ there was no way in hell I’m snapping that image for a stranger. ¬†His persistency paid off & there I was at 10:30pm digging around my closet for the top I had on in the original pic I sent & fixing my hair to recreate the same look…playing in to the fantasy that we ladies sit around looking ready for a photo op anytime…I can’t believe I fed the illusion & didn’t present the real me in the moment, but what can I say…modern dating is silly! I’m silly & I want a date dammit!

So to recap my ramblings, here’s the current standings:

  • Date with old eHarmony match set
  • Pending evening out with the friend fix-up
  • Online profiles going back up this week
  • Enjoying daytime sunshine & sleeping at night
  • Life is good

I’m feeling super grateful to have some time to take care of myself again & I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months…who knows what lies ahead but I’ll keep you in the loop

xo

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Life is just a bowl of cherries…

It can’t really be this hard…

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A few days ago I went for a jog around the lake. Did my usual route, started at the same point, headed the direction I always do, doing my creature of habit routine. As I finished up my lap around I decided to go for a second, which I rarely do, but I think the guilt from all the Easter candy I had been binging on brought on a burst of energy to help burn it off before it settled in on my ass.

On the second lap around, I decided to switch directions, needing to change my view if I was not going to be painfully aware of every step ahead. Gotta say, it worked! As I hit the last stretch I saw this sign (pictured above) behind the fence, a fence I’ve jogged & walked along a lot lately. It has obviously been there for a while, I mean weeds have had time to grow through it, but somehow only now was the first time I noticed it. I love how a simple step of changing directions can change your experience & even your point of view.

Nothing is coincidence. I do believe opportunities & signs show up when we are meant to see them, when they will have meaning in our lives.

Lemme be honest, I’ve been struggling with putting up a post lately. I’ve been bouncing around an idea for the “Joys of being Single”, but nothing was coming…sure, I had a couple of ‘joys’ to add to the list like ¬†~ ¬†not having to shave your legs everyday, or being able to curl up in bed with your iPad at midnight & watch the “How I Met Your Mother” finale ¬†~ ¬†but the truth is I don’t enjoy being single. I’ve spent about 99% of my life single, ¬†I have it down pat…

A lil too much so…

Since changing directions helped my view at the lake, I figured why not take that as a sign to change my focus and stop trying to convince myself to find the joy, but rather ask questions & delve deeper into the direction I do want to go ~ in to a relationship!

It was recently brought to my attention that I find fault with every man I date…but, c’mon I am dating in LA…all kidding aside though, he was right. ¬†I’ve got the whole routine down pretty good by now ~ there’s usually 2-3 dates, things are ok, no real sparks, but it could be worse. I start to squirm, sure that the longer he hangs out with me the sooner he’s going to want to go find someone else more interesting, soooo I find excuses why he won’t work & I disappear…only to begin the cycle again.

I want to get off this merry-go-round & I need your help!

As you know I’ve only had one kinda serious relationship in my life, and while it happened in my late 30’s, I figure I’m the emotional age of a post-adolescent. I have fallen in love & experienced my first heartbreak, which seems to be high school age, on average for most. So seeing as my ‘relationship growth & experience’ may be stunted, I’d like to hear from you & your experiences to help me realize if how I see things is realistic or the view of a wide-eyed teenager.

Help me catch up to speed on dating like a normal 40 year old woman looking for a adult man to share a committed relationship with.

I know I will never experience another love like my first.   I am not that naive.  It will be very hard to be that free with emotion again.  My heart comes guarded now & flinches easily.

My single mind has been whirling with questions, trying to figure out how most seem to fall into relationships so easily… here’s some of what I’m wondering about ~ (feedback greatly appreciated)

*Assuming you’re not with your 1st love (& if you are, cheers on you! I wanna hear all about it!), how was falling in love again? Easier, harder? Different? Better? Did it take you longer to find your next love? Or were you more open after experiencing it?

*Does being previously hurt help you to love with more awareness? Or with more trepidation?

*Do you¬†like your partner? ¬†I know you love him/her, but do you guys genuinely like each other’s company? And if so, how long have you been together?

*Do you share similar interests & like to do them together? Or is that asking a lot from your partner? Do you save your interests to be shared with friends instead?

I’ve been told I have too many expectations of how a ‘real’ relationship is & to stop living in a fairy tale. ¬†I have been working on bringing no expectations. There has also been talk from friends of pushing me towards the idea of settling for ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’, that it’d be silly to expect more at this stage of the game. ¬†I still want to believe in the magic of love,¬†but¬†it could just be the stubborn 16 year old in me wanting to ‘be right’. ¬†I need to know from y’all, who are in the trenches of relationships ~ help me see the reality! ¬†I do know its not always easy or pretty & I look forward to the messy…but when you were first dating ~ was it a lot of work? Did you enjoy each other at the beginning?

Lately I’ve been enjoying my time away from the online dating world, the freedom from texts, im’s, and emails is so refreshing! ¬†And instead of being behind a screen, I’ve actually been going & doing all sorts of things that interest me, figuring I may just meet a real live man with shared likes. ¬†So far it has turned out to be a lot fun solo adventures, but I’m not giving up & sitting on my couch just yet.

The other night as I left a story reading event, I had a bit of existentialist angst. One of the writer’s had gotten up & read some of his poems. Now poetry & I have always had a hard time understanding each other, especially in the spoken form (I needs words on paper people!) & being there alone I did not feel comfortable asking anyone to explain it to to me. ¬†As I wandered to my car I began to wonder ~ if experiences had, while alone, actually happened if you can’t explain them? ¬†I felt very alone as I pondered.

Well, enough from me for now…I leave you with DREAM BIG & BE BRAVE!

I look forward to hearing from you! I know your insights & stories will help make sense of this relationship world. Welcome to my lil course at Love U! xo

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