Gone Boy Crazy

photo 2

Pretty can be prickly

 

I don’t know if it’s the warmer temps, the unstructured days, or the fact I’ve gotten actual sleep, but I’ve gone doggone boy crazy! I see handsome men everywhere I go. I’m smiling & giggling (to myself) like a silly lil school girl, I can’t help it!  I’ve even noticed getting more help in the grocery store from the attentive stock boys & extra shots of espresso from the handsome baristas…a girl could get used to this.

There’s a lot of change swirling about in my life these days (all good) & I think its shook off some of the dust that has settled in over these past couple of years.  With these past two weeks free from work, my social calendar  has kicked up a few notches & I owe you stories featuring a handful of suitors…BUT I cannot wait to share this story, so pardon me while I skip ahead to yesterday’s whirlwind romance…

It all started a coupla weeks ago while playing the game of Tinder.  I swiped right. He swiped right.

And within minutes a message from him. “Oh, a live one” I thought…I’ve found on my recent return back to the dating app, that while the matches may be plenty, the man who actually makes the initial move is a rare breed.  And as a lady who likes her men to take the lead, I always engage with those bold enough to muster the first “hi”.

This one, ooooh let’s call him Mr. Tenacious (Mr. T), sends his hello, quickly followed up with an invite to go shoot pool in NoHo right then.  I look at the clock, it’s 11:30 pm on a Sunday. Sure, I’m not doing anything besides swiping my evening away, but I wonder ~ does he really mean ‘let’s go shoot some pool’ or is that some euphemism for sex these days (balls, sticks, holes…I don’t know??)  I end up ignoring the invite, pretty much wanting to nip the late night impromptu suggestions in the bud.

I know from his profile he’s a road manager for rock bands, so its safe to assume he’s a night owl.  The next morning I wake to find a message flashing in my inbox. It was Mr. T apologizing. He hadn’t realized the time when he messaged & wanted to wish me a good day.  Ok, so maybe he is a cool guy who’s body clock is off & who better to understand that than this gal, fresh off of 2 months of night work.

I decide to give him a chance & we message back & forth lil notes, nothing earth shattering, over the next couple of days until he hits the road with work for a week.  Cut to this week, guess who’s back from Cleveland? You got it!

The ‘dip the toe in’ messages began ~ “good morning”, “good evening”, nothing of substance. I quickly tire of this & having to log-in to the app to converse, so I send him my phone number…sometimes you win with this, sometimes you wish you had a 2nd line for your potential suitors.  The giving of the numbers occurred about 10am yesterday. By noon he called, no voice message, but was followed by a text to say he had called…gotcha! He asked “you working now?”

I was in the middle of a project & responded a couple of hours later & sillily mentioned my work got pushed by a couple of days. Ten minutes pass. My phone rings, its him. I answer. “Lattes. You. Me. Now”

Ummmmm…hmmmmmm latte with a fly by the seat of your pants type of guy or laundry at the laundromat on a hot afternoon??? This hopeful romantic, caffeine-addict said yes.

Turns our Mr. T does not have a car (in LA?!) but thankfully takes responsibility for getting himself places like a responsible adult (unlike another recent gentleman caller).  We decide to keep it local for him, which worked well for an errand I needed to run too, so killing two birds with one latte…we opted for convenience & picked Starbucks for our coffee date. We had our cross streets & we each began to head that direction.

Turns out there’s 3 Starbucks in that general area, shocking I know! Being on top of it, he sent over the address, a map, and general directions ~ thorough? chivalrous? obsessive compulsive? or in desperate need of his caffeine fix? I’d learn soon enough.  I thought it’d be a funny “meet cute” that we’d both be at different locations, both technically correct, we’d bicker bout who’s right over the phone as we walked to meet in the middle, lattes in hand, our eyes lock mid-block & we just know…ha! Ok, cut the background music, back to reality we come.

My 1st stop ended up running a lil long & he landed across the street. He texts that he’s secured me a meter on the side street & will see me there. Two things ~

  1. There’s a giant free parking lot in the back, which always has available spots
  2. If he doesn’t have a car, how is he securing the spot? Sitting in it?

I can only chuckle, shrug my shoulders & go in search of my gallant parking knight.  I arrive to stories of fighting off a BMW, a Lexus & an angry mini-van mom. He paid the meter, he owns that space!  He makes me laugh.

Earlier while en route to the date, he texted asking my sign & if I had ever dated a Gemini?  Apparently they still ask ‘hey baby, what’s your sign?’  No previous Gemini beaus I tell him…can’t wait to see where this conversation is headed.  Right off the bat once we get in line to order drinks, he dives in with Gemini traits ~ they’re enthusiastic (check) & they know what they like (a triple shot, 6 pumps vanilla wet cappuccino). Not 5 pumps, not 7, precisely 6.  Once we get outside, he follows it up with “Geminis are great lovers too”.  Oh boy, we’ve got a ‘live one’ is right!

Conversation ping-pongs around all over the place, no single thought is finished. I try to keep up. He’s fun & quite possibly crazy…another Gemini trait?

He was getting hot & sweating quite a bit, so I suggest going into the a/c but he thought it’d be much more fun to stroll the boulevard, window shop & chat. Um,ok.

A couple of blocks in I was regretting my lack of sunscreen & poor choice of shoes, usually cute sandals are safe for a coffee date.  We thankfully tuck into some shade & I get the Instagram tour of his life on the road. It looks pretty awesome. He does get to see some pretty great places, but he’s gone most of the year.  Back out in the beating sun, he grabs my coffee & puts it in my other hand while sliding his sweaty palm into mine. Oh, oh, oh…c’mon…  I suggest turning back once we’ve passed all the shops, sensing he could just wander for hours.

On the return stroll he asks multiple times what I’m doing tomorrow, the next day & the next. He’s starting to plan for our next date ~ driving around to see movie locations around town from our favorite movies (kind of a cool date idea). He had downloaded an app earlier in the date that gave all the info. Of course I joke about how are we going to get to all these locations. “Well, you’d be driving, of course” he says straight-faced. Silly me.

He makes his intentions very clear he wants to see me 2-3 times before he hits the road next week, yet I feel we’ve learned absolutely nothing about each other during this date to warrant more. Then he starts eluding to his extra airline vouchers he needs to use & maybe we could make good use of those…we’ll see.

I’m so overwhelmed.  I am not a future-izer! At this point I’m just walking along sipping whats left of my iced coffee, wide eyed & listening to him go.  Thankfully I had already established early on that I had to leave to pick up my friend at the airport, & oh lookie, its that time.

He walked me to my car, gave me an enthusiastic hug, lingered, then dove in for another hug, lips beelining for mine. I try the cheek dive, but he outsmarts me, man he’s fast!  I get in my car and laugh, what a random Monday afternoon. Dating is funny.

I’m not even two blocks away & the texts begin

  • Had a great time
  • Looking forward to our adventures
  • 😉
  • You can follow me on Facebook
  • Here’s my Instagram name
  • Here’s my Twitter

Invoking the ‘safe driver’ clause, I did not respond then, figuring I’d follow up later.  After a long catch up session over dinner with my friend, I texted him to say thanks for the afternoon fun & that I had made it with perfect timing to the airport.  Whoops, that was waking the beast. Sometimes I never know when to leave good enough alone. I gotta go & “be polite”, then things get weird.  He calls in response to my text, again it’s later in the night (what was I thinking?).  He’s talking low & sexy, says its so he won’t disturb his roommate.  Its awkward.  I don’t even remember what we talked about. We hang up.

A minute later he texts ~ “Can I be direct with you?”  Well, I figure this could go any which way, seeing as I have no clue what just happened on the phone. I’m curious, so I say “sure”.  This is the text I get back: (sorry mom) “Iam so f*****g hard right now & want to have sex with you for hours. Zero drama. Just amazing sex”.  Yep, that’s direct.  I’m all fired up as I read it. The Universe has been playing with me lately, testing me with setting my boundaries, which I fail to do early on, so I pounced on this opportunity & set him straight.

And again, in response, the Gemini in him is just a sensual being, he practices tantra, it’ll be amazing…blah, blah, blah. Ok so he’s not listening to me, best to just shut up, Thus ending the whirlwind romance with Mr. T in my book.

He kept on texting about the map he was creating for our next date. He was even gung-ho & chipper with texts this morning.  I think we loved enough in the span of 24 hours to last us a lifetime ~ thank you Mr. T.

I’m back!

photo 3

Oh my it feels good to be back among the living!

First, I want to say thank you to all those who responded to my questions in the previous post. I had hit a lonely rough spot there for a sec & hearing your stories revived my belief in the possibilities I had begun to doubt. With each of your experiences I gained a better perspective on what real life looks like when in a long term relationship, & you helped me understand what it takes. I love my community of readers, your support keeps me hopeful as I search for love ~ thank you for being open & having the willingness to share your stories!

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit (or maybe not), but I’m back & feeling chatty! So a lil catch up ~ I got a fun opportunity back in May to work on a zombie movie, which was a genre I had never done before & I jumped at the chance. The first thing I learned Zombies = Nights (& lots of them)! So with accepting this job I knew I’d be giving up dating (& it turns out socializing in general) for a couple of months, but I figured it’d be a great Summer gig, meeting new people & I could practice my flirting skills with a whole new crew in the meantime.

With the post-wrap glow, I can say shoot ended up being a pretty great experience. Sure, we had our challenging days, endless hours under the moon & moments of questioning our choices in life, but when it came down to it we were creating something fun & doing it with cool people! And luckily for me, the crew did include a bunch of handsome, interesting men for me to get to know & while most were married or had a girlfriend, it was fun being reminded there are great quality guys in L.A.

I also learned quite a bit about myself during this shoot, here’s just a few of my revelations

  • While I consider myself a “night” person, turns out I’m not a “wee hours in the a.m.” kind of gal, the smile fades & I get very quiet, but then the sunrises & I’m back!
  • All willpower I may have at the beginning of the day when visiting the craft services table goes out the window at 1a.m. – in the battle of carrot vs. chocolate, chocolate always wins, especially if in the form of a cookie. I became a total cookie monster!
  • When I get tired (usually hitting bout 3:30-4a), I wanna snuggle. I’d feel this real need to be close to somebody, something & hug. I’d find myself leaning in to the Prop guy (my set “boyfriend”) for human contact, or putting my arms around the metal C-stands when just about anything would do to snuggle with. Curling up in my chair with an extra hoodie soothed the urge at times & added warmth too…
  • It turns out I’m verrrrry territorial over my personal workspace & when it gets invaded with complete disregard I flip out! My set partner could only just laugh at me, repeatedly. It worries me a lil how I’ll react if/when I ever live with a man??!? I may need to start chillin out, but I like my space…oy!

Despite all the craziness that occurs on a shoot, when you get to see a cut of what you’ve been working so hard at, you can’t help but get excited & want to create more! Telling visual stories is so addicting…& like that, I’m sucked back in 🙂

In some semblance to maintain sanity & a sense of reality, I’d try & connect with friends over the weekends or do some activity to remind myself that sunshine & summer fun was in full swing all around me.  One night a few weeks ago, a friend had extra tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, with a girlfriend visiting in town who had never been,  we, of course, jumped on the opportunity to join.

I have probably mentioned this before & I will again ~ I looooove the Hollywood Bowl, it is my favorite L.A. summer activity! It was Opening Night, with 3 great acts, fireworks & not a Zombie in sight. I was full of excitement.  And then, there he was. Like a punch to the gut, the wind was knocked out of me. There sat my ex & his latest girlfriend having a romantic pre-show picnic.

I knew this was bound to happen at some point, but of all places. I didn’t need/want to see that in a place where I hold special memories with him, but what can you do…new Bowl season, new girlfriend to bring to it…thankfully they didn’t see me.  I managed to push him out of my mind & enjoy my friends for the evening…until I couldn’t anymore.  The evening’s final artist performed the song “For Good”, which he had sent to me post-breakup saying it reminded him of me & our time together. It meant a lot to me then & still does…and with that the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I tried to stop my brain, but I couldn’t help thinking if he was now saying that to the new woman by his side.  With some (a lot) of wine, fireworks & friends, I survived the evening. Thankful to have not crossed paths again, I am glad I got the 1st couple sighting out of the way & that I had the support of my girl’s with me.

And, now that I am back to living in daylight hours again, I’ve been feeling like its time to jump back on the dating bandwagon!

As I walked around the lake the other evening, a calmness came over me, with a soothing sense of readiness – it’s time to  put my profiles back up online & take an active role in finding my partner. While I’ve enjoyed the past few months following my interests, in the theory of ‘love your life & love will find you’, not one date has been on the calendar. Time for action! Let’s get the momentum ball rolling!

As this decision was being made in my head, the Universe was already one step of me & as I drove home from the lake two things occurred

  • I received a text from a guy saying “hi”  (well, hello’s back at ya)
  • I got a message from a friend asking if I’d be interested in a ‘fix-up’ with her eligible bachelor friend  (yes, please)

I will say I am continuously amazed by how a slight shift in energy & thoughts can create a ripple effect, even quite quickly at times.

So, I text back the mystery guy whose name was not ringing a bell, & I can tell once I opened his text, we had chatted previously back in Sept, but never met up…at least that I could recall. We texted a couple of polite rounds & he asks if I remember him? I go for honesty & point blank tell him no. To jog my memory he offers to send a pic, if I send him one first, which I figure means he doesn’t remember me either & was just trying random #’s in this phone, hoping for a bite.

I decide to play along in the pic game out of curiosity, so I scroll through my phone looking for a good selfie & send it on over. He snaps his pic & sends one back. Oooooh, I remember that face (thankfully), but that’s all I remember! We had narrowed it down to eHarmony, so I figured at this point if we jumped through all their hoops to getting to the exchanging numbers part, I must’ve liked something about him…then he asks for another pic! I joked 1 a night is my limit, yet he kept asking & snapped another of himself to show me just how easy it was.  Now mind you, the pic I sent was from a lil bit ago when I was having an ‘I feel pretty’ moment. I was currently sitting there with my hair pulled back, make-up off & glasses on (not feeling my prettiest we’ll just say) ~ there was no way in hell I’m snapping that image for a stranger.  His persistency paid off & there I was at 10:30pm digging around my closet for the top I had on in the original pic I sent & fixing my hair to recreate the same look…playing in to the fantasy that we ladies sit around looking ready for a photo op anytime…I can’t believe I fed the illusion & didn’t present the real me in the moment, but what can I say…modern dating is silly! I’m silly & I want a date dammit!

So to recap my ramblings, here’s the current standings:

  • Date with old eHarmony match set
  • Pending evening out with the friend fix-up
  • Online profiles going back up this week
  • Enjoying daytime sunshine & sleeping at night
  • Life is good

I’m feeling super grateful to have some time to take care of myself again & I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months…who knows what lies ahead but I’ll keep you in the loop

xo

photo 2

Life is just a bowl of cherries…

I am not myself these days…

Do you ever feel out of sorts? I mean, for a long time? To the point where you can’t remember who or how you used to be, but something doesn’t quite feel like you’re being you anymore?

I have been angry lately, like snap back at you angry & that is soooooo not me. I’ve actually scared myself with some of my reactions lately. Yesterday I got so mad because the Sun was trying to come out, I was literally bitching out loud in the car & even forced a friend to listen to my rant, c’mon Carlie pull yourself together! But seriously the sun comes out every damn day here, sometimes you want a breather from the warm glow telling you ‘you should be happy, its gorgeous out’ (again!)…I enjoy variety & maybe that’s whats been missing. Being greeted by the cloudy morning, I was energized to go & be outside, enjoying the freshness of the gray moments. Maybe I felt part of that joy fading as the Sun tried to peak through sparking my anger, fists shaking at the sky ‘I’ll get you Sun’ (yes, I’m becoming a crazy lady)…

My anger has been bubbling up these past few days in various situations too. I’ve been very short with people, maybe some deserved my curt responses, but most have probably not ~ I’m sorry. I hear the words coming out of my mouth & it’s like I’m on a 5 second delay watching & hearing myself behave badly without any control! Who am I?! It is kind of liberating saying what I’m thinking & feeling versus putting on my sunny disposition, but usually my sunny disposition is actually me & not an act…lately it feels like an act because its how people expect me to be. Am I really a positive person? Maybe I’m beginning to embrace my inner ‘cranky old bitty’…oh god, I’m too young to be cranky already…

There’s a few areas in my life these days that are up in the air & I think, oh who am I kidding, I KNOW its freaking me out a bit, so I’m hoping this may be accounting for my anger phase. Unknowns, up-in-the-air’s, unstructured life is not my style & this process of learning how to roll with it has been a bit bumpy. At times it feels like I have a lil angel on one shoulder & a lil instigator devil on the other. One reassuring me of what lies ahead, while the other is spouting all these logistical things to freak me out. Argh! So I tune them out binging on House of Cards…not helpful 😉

I’m taking control in one area & trying a new game plan.

I’m always getting a ton of advice on my dating life. Mostly from paired off friends, who look at me with a mix of empathy & pity. Their favorite adage is ‘he’ll come when you least expect it’, or ‘it’ll happen when you’re not looking’.  Yes, this could be true, but I spent the better half of my 30’s just ‘going about life’ with lil to no success, so I decided to take action.  This dive all in, get a dating coach kind of action did bring me dates. It brought me many experiences, some good, some bad, some humorous. There’s been much education in these dating years, but it has also turned me a lil cynical at the moment. I have decided to stop taking an active pursuit in dating. I am going to listen to their advice & not ‘be looking’, but what will be different this time versus my 30’s is that I am taking an active role in living a life I love & enjoy. I haven’t been doing that lately & I certainly wasn’t doing that in my 30’s (even though I thought I kinda was).

Maybe its the ticking over into 40, maybe its the big space of unknowns I’m sitting in, but all I know is that I need to get back in touch with myself for the ultimate goal of loving myself & not finding a partner.  I have done & am familiar with what this work looks like, but when I’ve done it in the past I think I was focusing on the end goal of a partner to share my life with & not truly accepting myself as lovable while single. I get it now. I’m ready to explore.

All the walls have been pulled down today. Freedom is surrounding me! No more okCupid profile! I love my lattes, but no more Coffee Meets Bagels, The Tinder profile is down! Good-bye eHarmony! See ya later Speed Dating! God be with you Christian Mingle!

I am FREEEEEEE & it feels so good! Hmmm, I’m starting to feel less angry…phew, I think the old ‘me’ is on her way back!

xo

Sitting in the Uncomfortable

My Spring view

Oh my these past couple of weeks have been a lil tough…this growing & stretching phase of practicing vulnerability is NOT comfortable, at all!

I am grateful for this peaceful Sunday morning, as I sit here with my windows open, feeling the fresh Spring air, smelling the sweet scent of the blooms outside my apartment. I am comfortable here. I feel safe. I am alone and am starting to embrace it.

Lemme roll back the calendar to a couple of weeks ago to when a new match popped into my world. Still not sure if I wanted to dive back in to full swing dating mode, I responded anyways.  We seemed to have some shared interests, I liked his smile, and I guess, why not?, at this point…

It started off slow, a lil conversation via text each day. Not much, dipping a toe. With our interests piqued, we tried to set up a first date. Coordinating busy schedules  proved tough, but possibly by the end of the week.  Then one evening I got a late night text, he wanted to say hi & see how my day was, hoping it wasn’t too late…funny how the Universe sends what you need at the perfect time, as I was plopped on my couch feeling a bit lonely…conversation was exactly what I needed.

Ping ponging questions & answers, likes & dislikes, we chatted via text as the hours passed. He recorded the falling rain & sent me the audio ~ the best soundtrack to intimate conversations. Our questions began to delve deeper, really exploring what each of us longed for, tears streamed down my face as I typed my desires, sharing truthfully what I hoped for, I opened up & began to expose myself. I hadn’t been this vulnerable in a long, long time & I was scared, but it was also the first time I’ve felt safe & heard by a man in a very long time too. We chatted til 3am and could’ve easily kept on going but the reality of the approaching morning loomed and sleep was necessary. I dozed off to sleep with a smile on my face.

When I told a friend about the evening & our conversation, she point blank asked if at any point the thought occurred to pick up the phone & actually talk?! Nooooooo, which yes, sounds silly, I know, but I wouldn’t have shared this information so freely! And, while technically yes, he was still a stranger via text, I felt safer to be me with him in that format. I know I may have been hiding behind the screen but I WAS opening up again.

During the evening, he mentioned a few times about calling me the next day. I looked forward to hearing his voice, wondering what he sounded like. The day floated by with ease, the world seemed brighter, I felt like me again. Its been a while. A mid-day text to see how I was holding up brought a bigger smile to my face. And then that was it, no phone call, no voice message.

I felt so raw & deflated. I put my hopes out there only to be met with silence. I’m a big believer in words & actions matching and I can’t wrap my head around asking repeatedly to do something & not do it? The walls around my heart started coming back up. I could almost physically feel them. BUT I don’t want to hide behind them anymore. How can I stop my automatic response, my safety mechanisms? I kept hearing this lil voice “stay open, be vulnerable” & I just wanted to shout back “why?????! this does not feel good”…but I must try. I promise myself I will try my best to remain open to the process…

I couldn’t rally my heart for a Friday night date, even though work finished in time. I figured Saturday would be better, since he said he’d keep them both open for me. Saturday’s day plans timed out perfectly, leaving me free for a date night & I texted him excitedly, I was ready to dive in again. Oops, except that he had made plans…so much for keeping the night open, or my heart for that matter.  It took another week of reschedules & busy lives to finally meet up. At that point I didn’t know what to expect, or what I was even feeling anymore, I’m just showing up.

From the moment of entering the lounge & sitting down, the date just flowed. Conversation delved more into our beliefs & outlooks on life versus the standard interview questions. It was so lovely to look into his his kind eyes. Then I asked the question I really needed an answer to ~ how long have you been divorced? He paused. Well……   Only a few months separated & in the process.  My heart sank. I can’t do this again. A red flag began to be raised up the pole. He continued to share a little of the situation which I appreciated hearing, but I wanted to shift off this topic for now. Cue the loud bad 80’s hair cover band…we grabbed our martinis & ran for the peace of the patio. Outside we got cozy & enjoyed the rest of our evening. I was definitely looking forward to seeing him again.

The beauty of dating a couple of guys at once is the compare/contrast, it can get really clear what attracts you & repels you. The following night was movie night at the Canadian Librarian’s. I knew where this could lead & apparently I’m a glutton for punishment (i.e. boundary setting practice). Parking can be tricky in Hollywood & all the visitor spots were filled in his building, so he hopped in my car & we hit the lot across the street. Curious how late they were open, his question to the attendant was “can she get her car out in the morning?” Um, excuse me? That’s very presumptuous! I asked for 10p.  So knowing where he thought this was going, my guard was immediately up. We have built NO intimacy, we barely chat between dates, I’m sorry I’m not going there til I know you better. We share some similar interests & I always learn things when I’m with him, so I keep trying, hoping he’ll grow on me. We settled in for our classic movie & I’ll admit he has one damn comfy couch! And while it was a perfectly okay date, I realized he & I are just surface, fresh from the emotion-delving date the previous night, he didn’t stand a chance…

Fueled by ‘spring’-ing ahead & feeling excited about a man again, I was feeling playful, so when date #2 activity ideas came up, he was game for miniature golf – so fun! Naturally my competitive streak came out, playfully of course…thankfully he dished back all the ‘big game’ smack talk I was throwing his way! While I may have killed it on the greens, he showed me who was boss at Skeeball! That hurt!  All is fair in love & arcade play!

photo-2.PNG

For as much as I was looking forward to this date & seeing him again, the energy was different. I think it was me. I’m trying my best not to put my guard up, pull away or shut down but I can’t shake the past. I cannot be another divorcee’s training wheels.

I’m trying to quiet the voice that keeps telling me ”I’m not enough”, that he’ll leave me in the search to find a better, funnier, smarter, prettier woman. I know this voice is wrong but somedays she can be loud.

I’m wondering if I’m strong enough to do this again…

Vulnerable

Welcome to LOVE month

Ahhhh February, how did we get to you so quickly???
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts calling you the Month of Love,
and well since I love love, I can stick with that theme!

Let’s catch up from where I left you last ~ 2nd date time with Mr Manhattan Beach.
To be fair, since we have a sizable amount of distance between us & he came to me on the 1st date, I ventured to his neck of the woods for this round (its not a hard twist of my arm to get me to the beach).
A great thing about dating an entrepreneur is his flexible schedule, so there we were on a Wednesday afternoon grabbing a coffee & taking his lil Yorkie, Hayley, for a walk along the beach…

I love dogs. Grew up with them & truly miss having one in my life right now, so I was excited to get some dog time in. I love how excited they get to see you, even if they don’t really know you, cuz in 5 minutes you’re their new bestie. I love how if they’re in need of some petting & affection they don’t hesitate to ask for it, they just nudge your hand until you give in. I think if we, as humans, were as transparent with our needs life may be a whole lot easier, just sayin…we could learn alot. I love how easily distracted they can get ~ “SQUIRREL!!”. They’re priceless…

It is quite adorable to see the nurturing side of a man come out,
and Mr Manhattan Beach looooooves his Hayley.
She’s cute, I’ll give her that.
But I quickly began to feel like a 3rd wheel on my own date!
All conversation started with asking Hayley’s opinion, followed with that cutesy-wutesy talk usually reserved for infants.
When he started encouraging her to speak, I learned this bitch has opinions! She had lots of yapping to get off her chest.
He swooned.
Again, its sweet to see that men too can have their hearts melted.
But when the excessive kisses started, dog tongues, human lips, open mouths, I KNEW my lips were goin no where near either of their’s!

I’ve loved all the dogs I’ve grown up with ~ Bertha, Tiffany, Barney ~ but always drew the line at the lips…call me a puppy prude.
I’m a petter & a snuggler.

Funnily enough I realized just this morning that my reaction to this is yet another, drum role please…daddy issue.
Our dogs all worked their way into my dad’s heart, where my brother & I could barely crack his tough exterior. When he’d come in the door from work, he’d walk right past us & go straight to the dog with much curiosity about how it’s day was.
Yes, I may have issues being the runner-up for affection, but I think its an issue I’ll keep when comes to me vs pet.

While the date was fun, the scenery gorgeous & the conversation good, I think I learned too much about some areas we differ on to keep going forward.
Chalk this one up to some winter beach fun.

 At this point I’ve decided to hit the “pause” button on my dating life, just temporarily!

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the concept of having “no expectations” in life, with a focus on it in my search for love.

I’ve gotten pretty good about having no expectations while out on the dates, really just being present & going with the date as it unfolds, but its the expectations my “heart” has that’s tripping me up lately.
I find myself disinterested & pulling away after these dates because my heart remembers how it felt after a great 1st date, how it soared after a wonderful 2nd date, how it couldn’t wait for a 3rd…
I mean, how do you tell yourself its never going to feel like it did before? To just drop it & be open to accepting a new version however it feels? 
Hence the “pause” while I ponder this…

And in an effort to save myself, from my “expectation self”, I am on my dating hiatus til after Valentine’s Day – talk about a day filled with expectations!
I mean this is like Christmas for us hopeless romantics!

Valentine’s Day has been one of those holidays for me that has never gone as expected.
I have yet to be kissed on this day
& only once have I had a boyfriend on this holiday (& like a fool thinking we’d share more of them, I went out of town for work – idiot!)
Ever since junior high with my 1st crush on cutie boy Joey, I’ve hoped for something magical to happen on that day ~ a card, a flower, a secret admirer, candy, you name it I’ve dreamt it…and each February 14th would just go on by.

In high school, they’d deliver colored carnations during 7th & 8th period, each color representing various emotions ~ love, like, secret admirer, friendship, etc.  I can remember how anxious I felt when the classroom door would open & in came the flowers. I could always rely on my best friend to send me a blue carnation & I’d send her one too. It always complimented her colorful bunch.

Every year I have continued to tell myself “next year” creating the biggest expectation ever.
So this year, I can be free of these expectations at least, free from the letdown & truly just enjoy the day as any other day 🙂

Even though dates may be not be happening to report back on, I always have thoughts & commentaries on love, so stay tuned!
xo



**I’m a lil obsessed at the moment with this pop-y tune from a few years back, if you’re in the mood to smile & dance it out with me hit play!**

Love Me Tinder-ly

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!
Hope you’re all enjoying a wonderful holiday season!!
Heading back home to Colorado soon, with my fingers crossed for a white Christmas, and figured I’d share a lil update on the dating scene…
oh, I should do a “Best of 2013” list, hmmmm that could be fun! ~ stay tuned for that one 😉

So, where were we?
Ah, yes, I was having some self-discoveries & decided to step back from the fun fling guy…
Logical next step ~ Speed dating!
Packed up the car with water, snacks & lipstick in preparation for my journey to the Westside.
The evening’s event was being hosted by a few Meet-up groups & was taking place in an alehouse that sounded like a cool place to check out.
Also figured it was good to change up the locale, check out the Westside male offerings 😉

It was fun.
Met some cool ladies prior to it starting, which is always the case, (there’s a lot of great single gals out there, c’mon guys!) 
We chatted as the men started to arrive. All anxiously wondering if this is the night we may meet “him”…
Wellllll…
 It was a very diverse group, which is cool, there’s a type for everyone.
I, myself, met 15 men in LA I did not need to know further.
I totally enjoyed our “mini” dates, conversations were good, but I was having trouble getting past the basic starters.
I wasn’t going deep & hard-hitting with my questions. I wasn’t revealing much about myself either. 
And, yes that is challenging with the allotted 5 minutes.
I’ll admit I may not have been at my “A” game, but I was out there….

Funnily enough, during the evening I got a text from Mr Fun in the Meantime.
I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
I will say I had never reached out to say “I’m moving on”, kinda just figured that we were that casual to fade away…
Nope  ~ boot-ay text mid-speed dating!
Its always so interesting to me how they “sense” the interest shift away from them…no, wait, remember me, we should hang out again, or at least tonight…

Decision time
Answer OR ignore the text?

I went with Answer. If I’m going to date w/dignity, I gotta answer.
Played it cool, sussed out the situation, definitely was a boot-ay text.

Decision time
Have some fun, cuz none of these 15 guys panned out OR honor your desires for a real relationship?

I decided to respect what I had already learned & not to go down that path again that ultimately left me lonelier than before.
I told him he was a great guy, enjoyed hanging out but I’m looking for more than what he’s admittedly willing to give.
**a HUGE moment for me!! Speaking my needs, even if/when its scary** 
 He totally respected it, said I was awesome, enjoyed all our dates & wished me well.
It felt so genuine, that it caused me to pause…maybe? maybe he is a cool guy & I’m giving up too soon?
Thankfully it only took me 2 seconds to catch myself. He wasn’t saying he wants what I want, he wasn’t trying to convince me to give it a go, he was just being a great guy, validating our time together.
Done…next?

So I think I may have ranted previously about the latest dating app that everyone seems to be doing & how I couldn’t imagine doing it…
yeah well, I’m doing it & LOVING IT!

I think it was my Pilates instructor relating it to video poker that I began to see the FUN in it. I was being way too serious about it before & viewing it as just another vehicle for possible rejection seeing as its so visually based…
Screw that! Its a riot & seriously addicting!
Its like winning in Vegas when you click “yes” on a profile & you’re a match, a new screen pops up, your pics roll together & voila – a match! 
If only the sound of coins chinging happened, that’d be perfection – jackpot!

I’m currently taking the stance of sitting back & letting the men contact me first 
(which is texting via the site)
My rationale is that my “liking” of your profile shows my interest, step up to the plate, let’s see what you’ve got…
In the future I may reach out, but so far I’ve got too many conversations to keep track of… 

Being a week in to the game, I’ve already had some pretty fantastic dates!

Cocktails in a log cabin

Disco Christmas drinks & laughing the night away

To a 2nd date that had adventure written all over it that I couldn’t say no to, no matter how scary some parts sounded
(you’ll laugh at what scared me)
This guy is pretty intense, knows what he wants, direct questions, digs deep, is spontaneous, & fun ~ I kinda dug him.

For the 2nd date his plan was ~ Motorcycle ride…Hollywood Hills…cocktails, dinner…fireplace

Oh yeah, this sounded GREAT! Except the fireplace part scared the bejesus outta me!
Never been on a motorcycle before, did that scare me? Noooo!
Exhilarate me, yes! The nervous scariness of that is a rush in the moment.
And the fireplace can be that same exhilarating rush too, & even better WHEN its with the right guy…but c’mon this is date 2, let’s just have fun, keep getting to know each other…

The ride through the city & the hills was AMAZING!!! Cutting through the crisp air, flashing past the holiday lights, holding tight, leaning in to the curves, the rev of the engine, picking up speed, passing the cars & off in to the open – oh my god!
Yeah that’s a rush!

Dinner was a surprise, 
I had no clue what to expect since I don’t know his tastes well enough, or at all really.
Well, from racing through the streets of LA, we shifted to completely different gears and had the most delicious 5 course tasting & pairing dinner that was so exquisite I don’t even know how to describe it.
Oh I wish I had a menu to share, each course was a food I had never had before and was sooooo amazing!

Truly an adventure at every turn on this date!

Its crazy how fast 2013 has gone!
 It has been a whirlwind of emotions, of men, of self-discovery.
Its been a year I wouldn’t change for the world, all the good & the bad, through it I have gotten to this wonderful space where I truly love my life & everyone who’s in it!
I’ve learned so much from all these dates, more about myself, more about what I desire, what the ideal partnership looks like for me & most importantly how to be open to the process of falling in love again.
From the Asst director to the Architect, the 50year old, to the sweet young 30-something from Texas, and all those in between, you’ve touched my heart this year & I thank you!!

I am beyond excited for the new year ahead & am claiming 2014 as the Year Of Dating Fearlessly!!
And who knows, but its looking likely that I’ll experience my FIRST KISS at midnight this year!
xoxo
Have a safe & happy holidays!! Here’s Percy Faith with “We Need A Little Christmas”
Enjoy!!!

Day by day, date by date…

Well, the last time we chatted I was on the debate of taking some time off from dating, 
yet somehow my actions weren’t quite matching my words…
With a lot of long hours on set & down time between set-ups, I found myself checking out profile after profile.
And even thought my heart wasn’t in it, I was going through the motions, 
pretty much on auto-pilot.
Tired of being alone, I guess I wanted to feel like I was “taking action”, 
not just sitting by waiting for life to happen, for love to cross my path by pure luck, but yet I was numb as I scrolled from one to the next.

Knowing I wasn’t quite enjoying the process, a fellow single girlfriend on set joined my search & thought she’d find him for me ~ why not? Outside opinions could be great, right?  Maybe she’ll see the diamond in the rough.
We got on a clicking flurry, which could easily go so many ways ~ from good, to bad, to ugly ~especially since they can see when you’ve visited their profile…

Well, I got a live one!
Sent me message like he was answering a question (which I hadn’t asked) & in my “eh” state, I answered…mistake #1.
Responding to his 3rd message, (after ignoring message #2), at midnight on a Friday night while sitting on set AND giving him my #…mistake #2.
Responding to his 7am text & 10 am follow-up voice mail…mistake #3
Who knows why I was shocked when he kept texting even after I said I was busy & would call later… silly me.
But the kicker was when he asked for me to send him a photo for his phone ~
& we hadn’t even spoke to each other yet!!!!
Oh, & he was sure to send me one. His aggressiveness & eagerness rendered him very unattractive in my book.
Now, I’ve been told by some that it is completely normal to ask for pics (really?, I mean really?)
Men are visual…they want to be sure you’re profile pics are true…whatever the excuse, I was CREEPED out!!
Went with my gut, cancelled our date for the next day & wished him well…

Things HAD to change! 
So, I deleted my okcupid account & headed towards the greener pastures of the “scientific matching system” of eharmony.
Kinda going with the rationale that if they’re willing to pay for a subscription, they must be ready for a real relationship, and if anything else it’s a new audience.
We’ll see…
The last time I tried eharmony, a lil over 2 years ago, they told me they had no matches for me & to try back later.
And while yes, I appreciated their honesty & not taking my money for nothing, 
it did sting a bit to hear there was nobody for me.
But its 2 years later…
I’m a new woman…I’m hopeful!

And quality matches have been coming in – phew!! 
I think my meat eating tendencies deterred the Vegan. 
The Science Professor & I had very little to talk about.
But thankfully the matching game continues…

And to keep things fresh, friends have been sending potential mates my way too.
Who knows you better & wants to see you happy more than your friends, right?

The 1st fix-up was fun. A great guy.
Made me laugh. Found him very attractive.
But,
he wasn’t looking for a relationship. 
Likes his life how it is.
I admire that awareness & candidness up front.

The 2nd friend intro/re-connection is quite a cool guy.
Had a blast chatting the night away with him 
& look forward to getting to know him more! 🙂
(*I’ll be honest I’m nervous writing about him, as he could read this & I haven’t mentioned my blog to him yet. I like being able to open up about my thoughts & feelings and will have to figure out how to do this if he’s going to read)

On another exciting fun note, I’ve been invited to be a “practice date” this weekend 
for a group of men who are working on their dating skills.
I love it!
I cannot wait to be practiced on, hear what they’ve been taught, & get their insights ~ I think it will be a pretty insightful night, to say the least!! 😉

I guess its been a busy coupla weeks now that I look back on it,
the good mojo is starting to flow again & I have some really good feelings about what’s coming!!
Til next time, xo