Tag Archives: vulnerable

It can’t really be this hard…

Posted in hopeless romantic, Love, Love University, year of dating fearlessly by

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A few days ago I went for a jog around the lake. Did my usual route, started at the same point, headed the direction I always do, doing my creature of habit routine. As I finished up my lap around I decided to go for a second, which I rarely do, but I think the guilt from all the Easter candy I had been binging on brought on a burst of energy to help burn it off before it settled in on my ass.

On the second lap around, I decided to switch directions, needing to change my view if I was not going to be painfully aware of every step ahead. Gotta say, it worked! As I hit the last stretch I saw this sign (pictured above) behind the fence, a fence I’ve jogged & walked along a lot lately. It has obviously been there for a while, I mean weeds have had time to grow through it, but somehow only now was the first time I noticed it. I love how a simple step of changing directions can change your experience & even your point of view.

Nothing is coincidence. I do believe opportunities & signs show up when we are meant to see them, when they will have meaning in our lives.

Lemme be honest, I’ve been struggling with putting up a post lately. I’ve been bouncing around an idea for the “Joys of being Single”, but nothing was coming…sure, I had a couple of ‘joys’ to add to the list like  ~  not having to shave your legs everyday, or being able to curl up in bed with your iPad at midnight & watch the “How I Met Your Mother” finale  ~  but the truth is I don’t enjoy being single. I’ve spent about 99% of my life single,  I have it down pat…

A lil too much so…

Since changing directions helped my view at the lake, I figured why not take that as a sign to change my focus and stop trying to convince myself to find the joy, but rather ask questions & delve deeper into the direction I do want to go ~ in to a relationship!

It was recently brought to my attention that I find fault with every man I date…but, c’mon I am dating in LA…all kidding aside though, he was right.  I’ve got the whole routine down pretty good by now ~ there’s usually 2-3 dates, things are ok, no real sparks, but it could be worse. I start to squirm, sure that the longer he hangs out with me the sooner he’s going to want to go find someone else more interesting, soooo I find excuses why he won’t work & I disappear…only to begin the cycle again.

I want to get off this merry-go-round & I need your help!

As you know I’ve only had one kinda serious relationship in my life, and while it happened in my late 30’s, I figure I’m the emotional age of a post-adolescent. I have fallen in love & experienced my first heartbreak, which seems to be high school age, on average for most. So seeing as my ‘relationship growth & experience’ may be stunted, I’d like to hear from you & your experiences to help me realize if how I see things is realistic or the view of a wide-eyed teenager.

Help me catch up to speed on dating like a normal 40 year old woman looking for a adult man to share a committed relationship with.

I know I will never experience another love like my first.   I am not that naive.  It will be very hard to be that free with emotion again.  My heart comes guarded now & flinches easily.

My single mind has been whirling with questions, trying to figure out how most seem to fall into relationships so easily… here’s some of what I’m wondering about ~ (feedback greatly appreciated)

*Assuming you’re not with your 1st love (& if you are, cheers on you! I wanna hear all about it!), how was falling in love again? Easier, harder? Different? Better? Did it take you longer to find your next love? Or were you more open after experiencing it?

*Does being previously hurt help you to love with more awareness? Or with more trepidation?

*Do you like your partner?  I know you love him/her, but do you guys genuinely like each other’s company? And if so, how long have you been together?

*Do you share similar interests & like to do them together? Or is that asking a lot from your partner? Do you save your interests to be shared with friends instead?

I’ve been told I have too many expectations of how a ‘real’ relationship is & to stop living in a fairy tale.  I have been working on bringing no expectations. There has also been talk from friends of pushing me towards the idea of settling for ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’, that it’d be silly to expect more at this stage of the game.  I still want to believe in the magic of love, but it could just be the stubborn 16 year old in me wanting to ‘be right’.  I need to know from y’all, who are in the trenches of relationships ~ help me see the reality!  I do know its not always easy or pretty & I look forward to the messy…but when you were first dating ~ was it a lot of work? Did you enjoy each other at the beginning?

Lately I’ve been enjoying my time away from the online dating world, the freedom from texts, im’s, and emails is so refreshing!  And instead of being behind a screen, I’ve actually been going & doing all sorts of things that interest me, figuring I may just meet a real live man with shared likes.  So far it has turned out to be a lot fun solo adventures, but I’m not giving up & sitting on my couch just yet.

The other night as I left a story reading event, I had a bit of existentialist angst. One of the writer’s had gotten up & read some of his poems. Now poetry & I have always had a hard time understanding each other, especially in the spoken form (I needs words on paper people!) & being there alone I did not feel comfortable asking anyone to explain it to to me.  As I wandered to my car I began to wonder ~ if experiences had, while alone, actually happened if you can’t explain them?  I felt very alone as I pondered.

Well, enough from me for now…I leave you with DREAM BIG & BE BRAVE!

I look forward to hearing from you! I know your insights & stories will help make sense of this relationship world. Welcome to my lil course at Love U! xo

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My Writing Process Blog Tour

Posted in Blog Tour, Love, Uncategorized, vulnerable, Writing by

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Oh, this is exciting! Thank you so much Karmen Lizzul for asking me to be a part of this Blog Tour.  I really enjoyed getting a peek into your creative process & loved learning a whole new side to you! To read Karmen’s post, click here & check out her cool radio show here  ~xo

Ok, let’s do this…

1. What am I working on?

Well, if you’re reading this you’ve found my blog, which is my passion project at the moment. It continues to evolve as life takes its turns, which gives it a living, breathing aspect for me.  I’m toying around with the idea for a collection of short stories from my dating experiences in LA, guaranteed to make you both laugh & cry.  And, of course with being in LA as long as I have, there’s a screenplay idea I may just revive ~ we’re in need of a good rom-com people!

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?

To be honest I don’t think my writing is all that different than any other’s, only exception being that it is in my voice.  I write from my experiences, what I was feeling, what my thoughts were, so yes that is unique to me.  My goal is to write as true to myself as I can, so that you feel it’s just you & me having a conversation.  I try to infuse my humor, my sensitivities, my inner thoughts to share an authentic experience.

3. Why do I write what I write?

Such a good question!  Oh, my ‘why’…it goes back to childhood. I loved reading as a kid (still do!), I’d get lost in stories of romance for hours, being whisked away in to these tales of love.  And when I wasn’t reading, I was creating these elaborate stories in my head, sometimes these stories continued for weeks on end.  I was always encouraged to write by my teachers, but I wasn’t ready or confident enough to share my words.  Then a couple of years ago life started to resemble these stories of yesteryear, I felt inspired to start writing my story.  I have always believed in love.  I think that’s why we’re here, to connect, to share feelings, thoughts & experiences with one another.  This is why I write.

4. How does my process work?

I’m sure this will come as a shock ~ it’s all in my head.  I’ll have an experience or get an idea & then it usually marinates in my head for a bit.  The amount of time I sit with it varies, it can be a day, a week, there may be walks around the lake, dancing about my apartment ~ all clearing & fueling my thoughts til they make sense.  Eventually I know when its time to sit down & write, then it just flows…

So there you have it, a lil behind the scenes into my process. Now I’d love to introduce you to 3 writers whose work I enjoy reading & can’t wait to hear how they answer these questions!

First up, the beautiful & talented Jaime Parker Stickle, who always has me laughing!  “Actress,” “Writer,” and “A-Type Spaz” collectively sum up Jaime Parker Stickle. Jaime has a passion for creating comedic content for film, television and the web. She is currently writing & shooting a new web series that promises to have you in stitches, and is working on her first novel: a comedic look at Roommates. You can see many more bits at JaimeParkerStickle.com. If you believe a picture speaks a thousand words, she encourages you to follow her on Instagram @JaimeParkerStickle, and if you like to get the funny in 126 characters or less, follow her on Twitter @JaimeStickle.  Described as a real “Lucy” by directors and coaches alike, you’ll definitely want to stay tuned to witness it for yourself… Oh! And where would any of us learn about each other if not for the O.G. of social media?https://www.facebook.com/JaimeParkerStickle. Whew.

Next is the lovely Stephanie Blumensaat, whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting recently through a writing course & it is always such a treat to read what she writes ~ there’s an openness & vulnerability that inspires me. Stephanie Blumensaat (also known as Daisy Sunshine) is a blogger, photographer and certified life coach. She facilitates the photography group “Life in Focus” and writes a blog titled “In Full Blume”. Through her inspiring and motivating blog she shares how to make joy, whimsy and gratitude a daily part of life. She enjoys encouraging others to utilize writing and photography, to connect with their authentic selves, in the pursuit of true inner peace and contentment. To lighten things up, she occasionally throws in a little sass and silliness!

And, the amazing Elle Sompres rounds out my picks of writer’s who’s process I can’t wait to hear about. I met Elle out socially a while back & knew this lady was special! I have been a follower of her work as a coach, speaker & life guru at Inspired Success with Elle Sompres. She is an active speaker & advocate for several organizations within her community ~ she is truly inspiring. Check out her blog at The Inspiration Station

There you have it ~ the torch is your’s ladies! I look forward to reading your posts! xo

I am not myself these days…

Posted in Coffee meets Bagel, dating, dating hiatus, eharmony, hopeless romantic, Love, new beginnings, okcupid, online dating, Tinder, year of dating fearlessly by

Do you ever feel out of sorts? I mean, for a long time? To the point where you can’t remember who or how you used to be, but something doesn’t quite feel like you’re being you anymore?

I have been angry lately, like snap back at you angry & that is soooooo not me. I’ve actually scared myself with some of my reactions lately. Yesterday I got so mad because the Sun was trying to come out, I was literally bitching out loud in the car & even forced a friend to listen to my rant, c’mon Carlie pull yourself together! But seriously the sun comes out every damn day here, sometimes you want a breather from the warm glow telling you ‘you should be happy, its gorgeous out’ (again!)…I enjoy variety & maybe that’s whats been missing. Being greeted by the cloudy morning, I was energized to go & be outside, enjoying the freshness of the gray moments. Maybe I felt part of that joy fading as the Sun tried to peak through sparking my anger, fists shaking at the sky ‘I’ll get you Sun’ (yes, I’m becoming a crazy lady)…

My anger has been bubbling up these past few days in various situations too. I’ve been very short with people, maybe some deserved my curt responses, but most have probably not ~ I’m sorry. I hear the words coming out of my mouth & it’s like I’m on a 5 second delay watching & hearing myself behave badly without any control! Who am I?! It is kind of liberating saying what I’m thinking & feeling versus putting on my sunny disposition, but usually my sunny disposition is actually me & not an act…lately it feels like an act because its how people expect me to be. Am I really a positive person? Maybe I’m beginning to embrace my inner ‘cranky old bitty’…oh god, I’m too young to be cranky already…

There’s a few areas in my life these days that are up in the air & I think, oh who am I kidding, I KNOW its freaking me out a bit, so I’m hoping this may be accounting for my anger phase. Unknowns, up-in-the-air’s, unstructured life is not my style & this process of learning how to roll with it has been a bit bumpy. At times it feels like I have a lil angel on one shoulder & a lil instigator devil on the other. One reassuring me of what lies ahead, while the other is spouting all these logistical things to freak me out. Argh! So I tune them out binging on House of Cards…not helpful 😉

I’m taking control in one area & trying a new game plan.

I’m always getting a ton of advice on my dating life. Mostly from paired off friends, who look at me with a mix of empathy & pity. Their favorite adage is ‘he’ll come when you least expect it’, or ‘it’ll happen when you’re not looking’.  Yes, this could be true, but I spent the better half of my 30’s just ‘going about life’ with lil to no success, so I decided to take action.  This dive all in, get a dating coach kind of action did bring me dates. It brought me many experiences, some good, some bad, some humorous. There’s been much education in these dating years, but it has also turned me a lil cynical at the moment. I have decided to stop taking an active pursuit in dating. I am going to listen to their advice & not ‘be looking’, but what will be different this time versus my 30’s is that I am taking an active role in living a life I love & enjoy. I haven’t been doing that lately & I certainly wasn’t doing that in my 30’s (even though I thought I kinda was).

Maybe its the ticking over into 40, maybe its the big space of unknowns I’m sitting in, but all I know is that I need to get back in touch with myself for the ultimate goal of loving myself & not finding a partner.  I have done & am familiar with what this work looks like, but when I’ve done it in the past I think I was focusing on the end goal of a partner to share my life with & not truly accepting myself as lovable while single. I get it now. I’m ready to explore.

All the walls have been pulled down today. Freedom is surrounding me! No more okCupid profile! I love my lattes, but no more Coffee Meets Bagels, The Tinder profile is down! Good-bye eHarmony! See ya later Speed Dating! God be with you Christian Mingle!

I am FREEEEEEE & it feels so good! Hmmm, I’m starting to feel less angry…phew, I think the old ‘me’ is on her way back!

xo

Sitting in the Uncomfortable

Posted in hopeless romantic, Love, new beginnings, online dating, second dates, Tinder, Uncategorized, vulnerable, year of dating fearlessly by

My Spring view

Oh my these past couple of weeks have been a lil tough…this growing & stretching phase of practicing vulnerability is NOT comfortable, at all!

I am grateful for this peaceful Sunday morning, as I sit here with my windows open, feeling the fresh Spring air, smelling the sweet scent of the blooms outside my apartment. I am comfortable here. I feel safe. I am alone and am starting to embrace it.

Lemme roll back the calendar to a couple of weeks ago to when a new match popped into my world. Still not sure if I wanted to dive back in to full swing dating mode, I responded anyways.  We seemed to have some shared interests, I liked his smile, and I guess, why not?, at this point…

It started off slow, a lil conversation via text each day. Not much, dipping a toe. With our interests piqued, we tried to set up a first date. Coordinating busy schedules  proved tough, but possibly by the end of the week.  Then one evening I got a late night text, he wanted to say hi & see how my day was, hoping it wasn’t too late…funny how the Universe sends what you need at the perfect time, as I was plopped on my couch feeling a bit lonely…conversation was exactly what I needed.

Ping ponging questions & answers, likes & dislikes, we chatted via text as the hours passed. He recorded the falling rain & sent me the audio ~ the best soundtrack to intimate conversations. Our questions began to delve deeper, really exploring what each of us longed for, tears streamed down my face as I typed my desires, sharing truthfully what I hoped for, I opened up & began to expose myself. I hadn’t been this vulnerable in a long, long time & I was scared, but it was also the first time I’ve felt safe & heard by a man in a very long time too. We chatted til 3am and could’ve easily kept on going but the reality of the approaching morning loomed and sleep was necessary. I dozed off to sleep with a smile on my face.

When I told a friend about the evening & our conversation, she point blank asked if at any point the thought occurred to pick up the phone & actually talk?! Nooooooo, which yes, sounds silly, I know, but I wouldn’t have shared this information so freely! And, while technically yes, he was still a stranger via text, I felt safer to be me with him in that format. I know I may have been hiding behind the screen but I WAS opening up again.

During the evening, he mentioned a few times about calling me the next day. I looked forward to hearing his voice, wondering what he sounded like. The day floated by with ease, the world seemed brighter, I felt like me again. Its been a while. A mid-day text to see how I was holding up brought a bigger smile to my face. And then that was it, no phone call, no voice message.

I felt so raw & deflated. I put my hopes out there only to be met with silence. I’m a big believer in words & actions matching and I can’t wrap my head around asking repeatedly to do something & not do it? The walls around my heart started coming back up. I could almost physically feel them. BUT I don’t want to hide behind them anymore. How can I stop my automatic response, my safety mechanisms? I kept hearing this lil voice “stay open, be vulnerable” & I just wanted to shout back “why?????! this does not feel good”…but I must try. I promise myself I will try my best to remain open to the process…

I couldn’t rally my heart for a Friday night date, even though work finished in time. I figured Saturday would be better, since he said he’d keep them both open for me. Saturday’s day plans timed out perfectly, leaving me free for a date night & I texted him excitedly, I was ready to dive in again. Oops, except that he had made plans…so much for keeping the night open, or my heart for that matter.  It took another week of reschedules & busy lives to finally meet up. At that point I didn’t know what to expect, or what I was even feeling anymore, I’m just showing up.

From the moment of entering the lounge & sitting down, the date just flowed. Conversation delved more into our beliefs & outlooks on life versus the standard interview questions. It was so lovely to look into his his kind eyes. Then I asked the question I really needed an answer to ~ how long have you been divorced? He paused. Well……   Only a few months separated & in the process.  My heart sank. I can’t do this again. A red flag began to be raised up the pole. He continued to share a little of the situation which I appreciated hearing, but I wanted to shift off this topic for now. Cue the loud bad 80’s hair cover band…we grabbed our martinis & ran for the peace of the patio. Outside we got cozy & enjoyed the rest of our evening. I was definitely looking forward to seeing him again.

The beauty of dating a couple of guys at once is the compare/contrast, it can get really clear what attracts you & repels you. The following night was movie night at the Canadian Librarian’s. I knew where this could lead & apparently I’m a glutton for punishment (i.e. boundary setting practice). Parking can be tricky in Hollywood & all the visitor spots were filled in his building, so he hopped in my car & we hit the lot across the street. Curious how late they were open, his question to the attendant was “can she get her car out in the morning?” Um, excuse me? That’s very presumptuous! I asked for 10p.  So knowing where he thought this was going, my guard was immediately up. We have built NO intimacy, we barely chat between dates, I’m sorry I’m not going there til I know you better. We share some similar interests & I always learn things when I’m with him, so I keep trying, hoping he’ll grow on me. We settled in for our classic movie & I’ll admit he has one damn comfy couch! And while it was a perfectly okay date, I realized he & I are just surface, fresh from the emotion-delving date the previous night, he didn’t stand a chance…

Fueled by ‘spring’-ing ahead & feeling excited about a man again, I was feeling playful, so when date #2 activity ideas came up, he was game for miniature golf – so fun! Naturally my competitive streak came out, playfully of course…thankfully he dished back all the ‘big game’ smack talk I was throwing his way! While I may have killed it on the greens, he showed me who was boss at Skeeball! That hurt!  All is fair in love & arcade play!

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For as much as I was looking forward to this date & seeing him again, the energy was different. I think it was me. I’m trying my best not to put my guard up, pull away or shut down but I can’t shake the past. I cannot be another divorcee’s training wheels.

I’m trying to quiet the voice that keeps telling me ”I’m not enough”, that he’ll leave me in the search to find a better, funnier, smarter, prettier woman. I know this voice is wrong but somedays she can be loud.

I’m wondering if I’m strong enough to do this again…

Vulnerable