I’m back!

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Oh my it feels good to be back among the living!

First, I want to say thank you to all those who responded to my questions in the previous post. I had hit a lonely rough spot there for a sec & hearing your stories revived my belief in the possibilities I had begun to doubt. With each of your experiences I gained a better perspective on what real life looks like when in a long term relationship, & you helped me understand what it takes. I love my community of readers, your support keeps me hopeful as I search for love ~ thank you for being open & having the willingness to share your stories!

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet for a bit (or maybe not), but I’m back & feeling chatty! So a lil catch up ~ I got a fun opportunity back in May to work on a zombie movie, which was a genre I had never done before & I jumped at the chance. The first thing I learned Zombies = Nights (& lots of them)! So with accepting this job I knew I’d be giving up dating (& it turns out socializing in general) for a couple of months, but I figured it’d be a great Summer gig, meeting new people & I could practice my flirting skills with a whole new crew in the meantime.

With the post-wrap glow, I can say shoot ended up being a pretty great experience. Sure, we had our challenging days, endless hours under the moon & moments of questioning our choices in life, but when it came down to it we were creating something fun & doing it with cool people! And luckily for me, the crew did include a bunch of handsome, interesting men for me to get to know & while most were married or had a girlfriend, it was fun being reminded there are great quality guys in L.A.

I also learned quite a bit about myself during this shoot, here’s just a few of my revelations

  • While I consider myself a “night” person, turns out I’m not a “wee hours in the a.m.” kind of gal, the smile fades & I get very quiet, but then the sunrises & I’m back!
  • All willpower I may have at the beginning of the day when visiting the craft services table goes out the window at 1a.m. – in the battle of carrot vs. chocolate, chocolate always wins, especially if in the form of a cookie. I became a total cookie monster!
  • When I get tired (usually hitting bout 3:30-4a), I wanna snuggle. I’d feel this real need to be close to somebody, something & hug. I’d find myself leaning in to the Prop guy (my set “boyfriend”) for human contact, or putting my arms around the metal C-stands when just about anything would do to snuggle with. Curling up in my chair with an extra hoodie soothed the urge at times & added warmth too…
  • It turns out I’m verrrrry territorial over my personal workspace & when it gets invaded with complete disregard I flip out! My set partner could only just laugh at me, repeatedly. It worries me a lil how I’ll react if/when I ever live with a man??!? I may need to start chillin out, but I like my space…oy!

Despite all the craziness that occurs on a shoot, when you get to see a cut of what you’ve been working so hard at, you can’t help but get excited & want to create more! Telling visual stories is so addicting…& like that, I’m sucked back in 🙂

In some semblance to maintain sanity & a sense of reality, I’d try & connect with friends over the weekends or do some activity to remind myself that sunshine & summer fun was in full swing all around me.  One night a few weeks ago, a friend had extra tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, with a girlfriend visiting in town who had never been,  we, of course, jumped on the opportunity to join.

I have probably mentioned this before & I will again ~ I looooove the Hollywood Bowl, it is my favorite L.A. summer activity! It was Opening Night, with 3 great acts, fireworks & not a Zombie in sight. I was full of excitement.  And then, there he was. Like a punch to the gut, the wind was knocked out of me. There sat my ex & his latest girlfriend having a romantic pre-show picnic.

I knew this was bound to happen at some point, but of all places. I didn’t need/want to see that in a place where I hold special memories with him, but what can you do…new Bowl season, new girlfriend to bring to it…thankfully they didn’t see me.  I managed to push him out of my mind & enjoy my friends for the evening…until I couldn’t anymore.  The evening’s final artist performed the song “For Good”, which he had sent to me post-breakup saying it reminded him of me & our time together. It meant a lot to me then & still does…and with that the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I tried to stop my brain, but I couldn’t help thinking if he was now saying that to the new woman by his side.  With some (a lot) of wine, fireworks & friends, I survived the evening. Thankful to have not crossed paths again, I am glad I got the 1st couple sighting out of the way & that I had the support of my girl’s with me.

And, now that I am back to living in daylight hours again, I’ve been feeling like its time to jump back on the dating bandwagon!

As I walked around the lake the other evening, a calmness came over me, with a soothing sense of readiness – it’s time to  put my profiles back up online & take an active role in finding my partner. While I’ve enjoyed the past few months following my interests, in the theory of ‘love your life & love will find you’, not one date has been on the calendar. Time for action! Let’s get the momentum ball rolling!

As this decision was being made in my head, the Universe was already one step of me & as I drove home from the lake two things occurred

  • I received a text from a guy saying “hi”  (well, hello’s back at ya)
  • I got a message from a friend asking if I’d be interested in a ‘fix-up’ with her eligible bachelor friend  (yes, please)

I will say I am continuously amazed by how a slight shift in energy & thoughts can create a ripple effect, even quite quickly at times.

So, I text back the mystery guy whose name was not ringing a bell, & I can tell once I opened his text, we had chatted previously back in Sept, but never met up…at least that I could recall. We texted a couple of polite rounds & he asks if I remember him? I go for honesty & point blank tell him no. To jog my memory he offers to send a pic, if I send him one first, which I figure means he doesn’t remember me either & was just trying random #’s in this phone, hoping for a bite.

I decide to play along in the pic game out of curiosity, so I scroll through my phone looking for a good selfie & send it on over. He snaps his pic & sends one back. Oooooh, I remember that face (thankfully), but that’s all I remember! We had narrowed it down to eHarmony, so I figured at this point if we jumped through all their hoops to getting to the exchanging numbers part, I must’ve liked something about him…then he asks for another pic! I joked 1 a night is my limit, yet he kept asking & snapped another of himself to show me just how easy it was.  Now mind you, the pic I sent was from a lil bit ago when I was having an ‘I feel pretty’ moment. I was currently sitting there with my hair pulled back, make-up off & glasses on (not feeling my prettiest we’ll just say) ~ there was no way in hell I’m snapping that image for a stranger.  His persistency paid off & there I was at 10:30pm digging around my closet for the top I had on in the original pic I sent & fixing my hair to recreate the same look…playing in to the fantasy that we ladies sit around looking ready for a photo op anytime…I can’t believe I fed the illusion & didn’t present the real me in the moment, but what can I say…modern dating is silly! I’m silly & I want a date dammit!

So to recap my ramblings, here’s the current standings:

  • Date with old eHarmony match set
  • Pending evening out with the friend fix-up
  • Online profiles going back up this week
  • Enjoying daytime sunshine & sleeping at night
  • Life is good

I’m feeling super grateful to have some time to take care of myself again & I’ve got a good feeling about these next few months…who knows what lies ahead but I’ll keep you in the loop

xo

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Life is just a bowl of cherries…

March’s Art Adventure

I’ve been working my way through my Top 40 list & I’m taking #10 seriously ~ see ART, in some form, every month! For March I got to combine two loves ~ ART & FASHION ~ @ LACMA’s  Diane Von Furstenberg’s “Journey of a Dress”

Pop, pop, pops of color & print make this girl very happy!

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This only scratches the surface of the quantity of her career ~ dresses for days! I could’ve spent hours staring at the mannequins. I always saw a new dress with each lap around…

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Where the wild things are…

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Warhol + Diane = a thing of beauty

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What it looks like inside my mind some days…

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Its not always black & white ~ there must be COLOR!!

Aprils’ art adventure lies ahead tomorrow ~ a day at the Getty ~ I can’t wait~

xo

 

Time

I seem to keep getting messages about TIME lately.
Maybe it’s because I seem to have a lot of it free lately
or
maybe the Universe is trying to send me a message…

I’ve always been sensitive to feeling the pressure of time.
   I have learned I thrive under a deadline, that rush of racing the clock, 
but I’m also painfully aware when it feels like it’s slipping away. 
You’re gonna laugh, but I used to believe that I was going to die young. 
Now I have no clue where that feeling had come from, but in my teens I felt like my time here was going to be short-lived.
So my master plan was to go to college & study what I loved ~ fashion ~ get in, get out in 2 years & start having an amazing live, squeezing in all the goodness I could before my TIME was up…
Thankfully somewhere in my early 20’s that notion seemed to fade 
& I began to relax a little.
So when reference after reference about time kept popping up over the past couple of weeks, it became apparent I needed to listen.

It started when a friend told me about this movie from a few years back called “Timer”.
The basic plot is you can have a timer that will tell you when you’ll meet your soul mate.
My immediate thought was “nooooooooo, I so would not want to know!”
It’s like looking for your presents before Christmas, knowing takes all the fun & surprise out of it!
But with a quiet Saturday night in, I curled up with my Netflix & got lost in the quest for love.

I quite enjoyed the movie, mostly because it brought up so many questions ~
How would you spend your time while waiting for the clock to tick down?
Would you give a nice guy you met today a chance if your timer said he was still 8 months away?
If you’re given a match date way into the future, do you live it up & enjoy all the men you meet, with no commitment, no strings attached?
Or do you get focused on your career, get all the pieces in place so when love arrives, you’re ready?
What if you’re timer is blank? 
Do you still believe in love? 
Can you find it organically anyways? 
What if you meet your soulmate according to your timer when you’re still so young, do you miss out on a variety dating experiences?

I can see where knowing that your mate exists, or that love will happen, can give some peace & reassurance, even hope, but I wonder at what cost?
What or who else may you miss out on while you count it down? 

I’m curious ~ would you want a timer?

And if maybe not a timer, would you use an app that’ll tell you when you’ll get married?
Yep, it exists!
TIME (as in the magazine) has come up with an app that can tell you roughly when you’ll be walking down that aisle by just accessing your Facebook page.
I know, right?!
I figured I’ve already given access to Tinder find me love from Facebook, 
I might as well get a good laugh & see what they predict.
Right after I clicked the button, I panicked!
What if it said “oops, you missed it, you were supposed to do that 7 years ago” or
“yeah, don’t hold your breath”?
Kinda funny since I’ve never pictured my wedding.
 I never had the ’til death do us part, I do fantasy in my head, so why was an app causing me heart palpitations?
Then it popped up…6 months, 21 days…
Well, I do thrive under deadlines 😉

Just kidding…& even though marriage isn’t my ultimate goal, I did feel a wave of hope & peace roll over me, maybe there is something to knowing, just not knowing the exact date.
What I do know for sure is that a loving man who desires to be in a committed partnership with me awaits & when our time is right our paths will cross.
Until then, I will enjoy this time & not fear its running out 🙂
xo

Love Me Tinder-ly

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!
Hope you’re all enjoying a wonderful holiday season!!
Heading back home to Colorado soon, with my fingers crossed for a white Christmas, and figured I’d share a lil update on the dating scene…
oh, I should do a “Best of 2013” list, hmmmm that could be fun! ~ stay tuned for that one 😉

So, where were we?
Ah, yes, I was having some self-discoveries & decided to step back from the fun fling guy…
Logical next step ~ Speed dating!
Packed up the car with water, snacks & lipstick in preparation for my journey to the Westside.
The evening’s event was being hosted by a few Meet-up groups & was taking place in an alehouse that sounded like a cool place to check out.
Also figured it was good to change up the locale, check out the Westside male offerings 😉

It was fun.
Met some cool ladies prior to it starting, which is always the case, (there’s a lot of great single gals out there, c’mon guys!) 
We chatted as the men started to arrive. All anxiously wondering if this is the night we may meet “him”…
Wellllll…
 It was a very diverse group, which is cool, there’s a type for everyone.
I, myself, met 15 men in LA I did not need to know further.
I totally enjoyed our “mini” dates, conversations were good, but I was having trouble getting past the basic starters.
I wasn’t going deep & hard-hitting with my questions. I wasn’t revealing much about myself either. 
And, yes that is challenging with the allotted 5 minutes.
I’ll admit I may not have been at my “A” game, but I was out there….

Funnily enough, during the evening I got a text from Mr Fun in the Meantime.
I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
I will say I had never reached out to say “I’m moving on”, kinda just figured that we were that casual to fade away…
Nope  ~ boot-ay text mid-speed dating!
Its always so interesting to me how they “sense” the interest shift away from them…no, wait, remember me, we should hang out again, or at least tonight…

Decision time
Answer OR ignore the text?

I went with Answer. If I’m going to date w/dignity, I gotta answer.
Played it cool, sussed out the situation, definitely was a boot-ay text.

Decision time
Have some fun, cuz none of these 15 guys panned out OR honor your desires for a real relationship?

I decided to respect what I had already learned & not to go down that path again that ultimately left me lonelier than before.
I told him he was a great guy, enjoyed hanging out but I’m looking for more than what he’s admittedly willing to give.
**a HUGE moment for me!! Speaking my needs, even if/when its scary** 
 He totally respected it, said I was awesome, enjoyed all our dates & wished me well.
It felt so genuine, that it caused me to pause…maybe? maybe he is a cool guy & I’m giving up too soon?
Thankfully it only took me 2 seconds to catch myself. He wasn’t saying he wants what I want, he wasn’t trying to convince me to give it a go, he was just being a great guy, validating our time together.
Done…next?

So I think I may have ranted previously about the latest dating app that everyone seems to be doing & how I couldn’t imagine doing it…
yeah well, I’m doing it & LOVING IT!

I think it was my Pilates instructor relating it to video poker that I began to see the FUN in it. I was being way too serious about it before & viewing it as just another vehicle for possible rejection seeing as its so visually based…
Screw that! Its a riot & seriously addicting!
Its like winning in Vegas when you click “yes” on a profile & you’re a match, a new screen pops up, your pics roll together & voila – a match! 
If only the sound of coins chinging happened, that’d be perfection – jackpot!

I’m currently taking the stance of sitting back & letting the men contact me first 
(which is texting via the site)
My rationale is that my “liking” of your profile shows my interest, step up to the plate, let’s see what you’ve got…
In the future I may reach out, but so far I’ve got too many conversations to keep track of… 

Being a week in to the game, I’ve already had some pretty fantastic dates!

Cocktails in a log cabin

Disco Christmas drinks & laughing the night away

To a 2nd date that had adventure written all over it that I couldn’t say no to, no matter how scary some parts sounded
(you’ll laugh at what scared me)
This guy is pretty intense, knows what he wants, direct questions, digs deep, is spontaneous, & fun ~ I kinda dug him.

For the 2nd date his plan was ~ Motorcycle ride…Hollywood Hills…cocktails, dinner…fireplace

Oh yeah, this sounded GREAT! Except the fireplace part scared the bejesus outta me!
Never been on a motorcycle before, did that scare me? Noooo!
Exhilarate me, yes! The nervous scariness of that is a rush in the moment.
And the fireplace can be that same exhilarating rush too, & even better WHEN its with the right guy…but c’mon this is date 2, let’s just have fun, keep getting to know each other…

The ride through the city & the hills was AMAZING!!! Cutting through the crisp air, flashing past the holiday lights, holding tight, leaning in to the curves, the rev of the engine, picking up speed, passing the cars & off in to the open – oh my god!
Yeah that’s a rush!

Dinner was a surprise, 
I had no clue what to expect since I don’t know his tastes well enough, or at all really.
Well, from racing through the streets of LA, we shifted to completely different gears and had the most delicious 5 course tasting & pairing dinner that was so exquisite I don’t even know how to describe it.
Oh I wish I had a menu to share, each course was a food I had never had before and was sooooo amazing!

Truly an adventure at every turn on this date!

Its crazy how fast 2013 has gone!
 It has been a whirlwind of emotions, of men, of self-discovery.
Its been a year I wouldn’t change for the world, all the good & the bad, through it I have gotten to this wonderful space where I truly love my life & everyone who’s in it!
I’ve learned so much from all these dates, more about myself, more about what I desire, what the ideal partnership looks like for me & most importantly how to be open to the process of falling in love again.
From the Asst director to the Architect, the 50year old, to the sweet young 30-something from Texas, and all those in between, you’ve touched my heart this year & I thank you!!

I am beyond excited for the new year ahead & am claiming 2014 as the Year Of Dating Fearlessly!!
And who knows, but its looking likely that I’ll experience my FIRST KISS at midnight this year!
xoxo
Have a safe & happy holidays!! Here’s Percy Faith with “We Need A Little Christmas”
Enjoy!!!

Self-discoveries…

Ok, time to give you some updates!
And boy, its been a while ~ life just got going & I hopped on for the ride!
Figured I’d live in the moment, feel it, breathe it & digest it 
before I began rambling on about it…

So the latest batch of gentlemen callers come courtesy of eHarmony.
The jury is still out on their “scientific” matching system, 
but I’m a sucker for all their happy couple photos & believed that, I too, could become 
one half of those sticky sweet smiling couples.
(it’s funny too because I can realize how styled these ads are, hell I should work on these ads dressing the couples, 
but I STILL love to believe this is how bright & sunny they are in life)

Now there’s many, many rounds of “communication” on this site.
1st ~ 5 multiple choice questions to answer
Next up, is your list of like & dislikes in a mate
Thirdly, a round of answering 3 questions chosen by perspective date
&
Finally, if you pass all rounds, you can actually email each other!

I will admit to getting a lil lazy in rounds #1-3 (I know, that’s horrible!)
But I’ve found my solid stock questions I want answers to, so I ping-pong the steps right back to them…
I’ve found that the men tend to give the shortest answer possible when it comes to the type your own response portion (shocking, right?!)
So I find myself just wanting to get through all the hoopla & get out on the date in person to see if they can really communicate.

Which is exactly why I wonder about this “matching” system! 
How scientific can it really be?
And if I’m not paying attention to all the steps in detail, maybe I should hop on a less detail-orientated site???
A friend, who’s having success, has recommended I check out Tinder…
Trusted readers ~ have any of you tried it? I need references besides his.
He compares it to “seeing someone across the room at a party that you find attractive” & this gives you a way to let them know.
I call BS on that &  think it just feeds to men’s visual nature w/o wanting to delve deeper.
But in all honesty too, I’m HORRIBLE meeting strangers at a party I’m attracted too, I get all tongue tied & twisted. I lose my words & come off as shy or snobbish,
either way my 1st impressions may not get me far…

Woah, got way sidetracked there…but as you probably have gathered by now my eHarmony matches have not quite been made in heaven.
Let’s summarize…

First we met the British guy. 
He was tall. Wore glasses (such a sucker for a guy in glasses). Had an accent!
Designed cars for Hot Wheels, figured he’s got a creative side, which is very cool.
First date was lovely. Rooftop dinner downtown. City lights. Cocktails. Pretty good conversation once I could sense him relaxing.
Drinks lead to going for coffee, which was not the best plan.
I was exhausted & should’ve called the date done instead of going for coffee, but I didn’t.

*Self-discovery #1 – listen to your gut, its knows whats right for you, stop being so damn polite!

So, we coffee’d as I tried to keep my eyes open & stay interested in the conversation, but I was a lost cause.
An awkward hug at the parking garage & off we went our separate ways.

The drive home & into the next day I was very melancholy, couldn’t shake the blahs. 
I sensed it had to do with the date, but he was “good on paper” so maybe I was just tired from a hectic week?
He sent some nice texts, shared pics of his afternoon adventure – it made me warm to him a lil more. 

As schedules would have it, he was out of town & I had an event, so it took a couple of weeks to re-connect.
But during that time he kept sharing pics from his trip & staying in touch, which was nice to have someone to chat throughout the day with again here & there.
Turned out he was a phone guy & wanted to talk in evenings.

*Self re-discovery #2 – I am NOT a phone person! If we’re gonna chat, I want it to be on a couch, face to face, esp at the beginning!

You know what, I’m gonna cut this one short ~ dates 2 & 3 again were quite lovely.
He was good a planning cool dates, if only I enjoyed being on them with him.
The melancholy set in after each meet up & I had to admit there was nothing there, listen to your gut when it keeps saying the same thing.

The latest eHarmony connection was been quite fun.
Mid-week 1st date ~ tequila tasting.
Came to my side of town (points!)
Easy conversation. Fun & Funny.
Kissing like teenagers on the street for an hour.
I had a feeling he was going to be my “fun , in the meantime guy”

Spontaneous 2nd date ~ I broke the “Rules” & accepted a dinner date on Sat nite with only a couple of hours notice (*gasp*)
Since I already put him in the FUN category, I figured why stay home on a Sat nite trying to teach him how to respect my time?
I wanted to hang out & he was game – why not?
A fun night!

3rd date ~ relaxing night in with wine.
In conversation & joking he declares he’s not boyfriend material.
Oh, yeah I know. You’ve been in fling category since 2nd date. 
The fun continues.

The next day I can’t shake this blah feeling again.
What is it?
Was it the wine? Is it him? 
I have fun when I’m with him.
It was like I had a heart hangover!

*Self-discovery #3 – you can’t trick yourself in to being ok with a fling when you desire to be in a relationship

We never connected in between our dates ~ no texts, no calls, no “hey, just thinking of ya”
Funny thing was I had no desire to reach out to him either in between seeing him.
I craved the connection, but not with him.
Was the need he was filling enough? Or did I have to get real with myself?

We hung out again. And I got my answer.

In getting real with myself, I learned its easy to revert back to old habits & patterns. 
I could easily slip back into non-commital, non-defined dating ways, but when I used to do that my heart didn’t hurt because I kept it hidden behind many walls.
I’ve worked hard to break down those walls 
& when I allowed myself to feel 
& to fall 
& to be vulnerable, 
I felt the most alive & the most loved.
I felt like each day I was walking on sunshine.
I want to feel that again!
So I have to honor my heart & hold the faith…

Til then, its time to dance!
xo

Day by day, date by date…

Well, the last time we chatted I was on the debate of taking some time off from dating, 
yet somehow my actions weren’t quite matching my words…
With a lot of long hours on set & down time between set-ups, I found myself checking out profile after profile.
And even thought my heart wasn’t in it, I was going through the motions, 
pretty much on auto-pilot.
Tired of being alone, I guess I wanted to feel like I was “taking action”, 
not just sitting by waiting for life to happen, for love to cross my path by pure luck, but yet I was numb as I scrolled from one to the next.

Knowing I wasn’t quite enjoying the process, a fellow single girlfriend on set joined my search & thought she’d find him for me ~ why not? Outside opinions could be great, right?  Maybe she’ll see the diamond in the rough.
We got on a clicking flurry, which could easily go so many ways ~ from good, to bad, to ugly ~especially since they can see when you’ve visited their profile…

Well, I got a live one!
Sent me message like he was answering a question (which I hadn’t asked) & in my “eh” state, I answered…mistake #1.
Responding to his 3rd message, (after ignoring message #2), at midnight on a Friday night while sitting on set AND giving him my #…mistake #2.
Responding to his 7am text & 10 am follow-up voice mail…mistake #3
Who knows why I was shocked when he kept texting even after I said I was busy & would call later… silly me.
But the kicker was when he asked for me to send him a photo for his phone ~
& we hadn’t even spoke to each other yet!!!!
Oh, & he was sure to send me one. His aggressiveness & eagerness rendered him very unattractive in my book.
Now, I’ve been told by some that it is completely normal to ask for pics (really?, I mean really?)
Men are visual…they want to be sure you’re profile pics are true…whatever the excuse, I was CREEPED out!!
Went with my gut, cancelled our date for the next day & wished him well…

Things HAD to change! 
So, I deleted my okcupid account & headed towards the greener pastures of the “scientific matching system” of eharmony.
Kinda going with the rationale that if they’re willing to pay for a subscription, they must be ready for a real relationship, and if anything else it’s a new audience.
We’ll see…
The last time I tried eharmony, a lil over 2 years ago, they told me they had no matches for me & to try back later.
And while yes, I appreciated their honesty & not taking my money for nothing, 
it did sting a bit to hear there was nobody for me.
But its 2 years later…
I’m a new woman…I’m hopeful!

And quality matches have been coming in – phew!! 
I think my meat eating tendencies deterred the Vegan. 
The Science Professor & I had very little to talk about.
But thankfully the matching game continues…

And to keep things fresh, friends have been sending potential mates my way too.
Who knows you better & wants to see you happy more than your friends, right?

The 1st fix-up was fun. A great guy.
Made me laugh. Found him very attractive.
But,
he wasn’t looking for a relationship. 
Likes his life how it is.
I admire that awareness & candidness up front.

The 2nd friend intro/re-connection is quite a cool guy.
Had a blast chatting the night away with him 
& look forward to getting to know him more! 🙂
(*I’ll be honest I’m nervous writing about him, as he could read this & I haven’t mentioned my blog to him yet. I like being able to open up about my thoughts & feelings and will have to figure out how to do this if he’s going to read)

On another exciting fun note, I’ve been invited to be a “practice date” this weekend 
for a group of men who are working on their dating skills.
I love it!
I cannot wait to be practiced on, hear what they’ve been taught, & get their insights ~ I think it will be a pretty insightful night, to say the least!! 😉

I guess its been a busy coupla weeks now that I look back on it,
the good mojo is starting to flow again & I have some really good feelings about what’s coming!!
Til next time, xo

It was bound to happen…

Looking for love online does come with its risks, I mean you are talking to complete strangers.
Why do we so easily open up to them, to the idea of them as a mate?
Its not like we’re handing out our numbers & hearts to every guy who walks by in the grocery store. In person we seem to be a lil more guarded with our hearts, but online we gaze at their pics, we read their words, exchange some emails & all of sudden a fantasy of what life could be like with him is dancing in our head.

We hold their well crafted words to be truth, their pictures to be the “everyday” version them, & not a well lit, best angle snapshot that is not reality from most angles.
And well, it finally happened…
the “inaccurate photo” guy finally showed up.

Mr. Pics & I mutually “chose” each other on OkCupid through their “Quick Match” system, where they give you a lil glimpse at each other’s profile’s & you give star ratings ~ lucky for us we each gave the other 4 or 5 stars.
Emails announcing your mutual interest are sent, let the connecting begin…

A couple of rounds of emails, a request for my number, the ring of my phone & the fun begins…
Completely shocked that he rang a mere 2 hours after asking for my number, I figured I HAD to answer the phone & I was really glad I did!
Turns out he’s a very talkative type, which is great for me (I’m a good listener-type).
We chatted for a coupla hours, yes hours(!), & when we hung up I actually said out loud “well that was fun”.
I couldn’t believe how enjoyable our conversation was ~ it had been a while since I was intrigued by a man and what he had to say. He was funny, took risks, loved what he does for a living, shared similar interests ~ I couldn’t wait to meet him.

We decided to meet on Sunday.
He offered to come my direction (points for him, especially considering he’s a West-sider)
I couldn’t tell with the options he threw out there ~ cafes to bars, what exactly kind of date we were going for.
We ended up with the bar/restaurant option based on their great patio, but chose to meet a 4p (?) – is that a late lunch? Early dinner? Drinks only? Who knew what this date held…

He was definitely manicure worthy, I mean I had been looking forward to meeting him all week. I had my favorite dress on, my best smelling perfume, I was feeling pretty & couldn’t wait to meet him!

We both arrived at the same time, and since the place was virtually empty at that hour, he was easy to spot, except that he looked nothing like his pictures ~
easily 30-40lbs heavier than presented online.
Yes, his profile said “a lil extra”, which his pics somewhat represented, but…

After the awkward hello’s & we immediately went to the LA standard safe topic – traffic!
As he got our drinks, I noticed his entire back was wet with sweat & as we sat and talked he continued to sweat for another 15 minutes.
My mind wandered to activities we could be doing in the future & wondering how much he’d be sweating.
I mean, he got out of a BMW, so I know he had air conditioning, if crossing the street caused this sweat, I could only imagine…

The date was fine, he’s a talker, like I said, so I learned alot.
Has roommates, 2 other guys – they call it their halfway house for divorcees (lovely)
Still not divorced (great)

As I sat there I kept questioning myself & how superficial am I???? 
Yes, we were not meeting up on other points too, but if we were “connecting” could I get past the extra lbs?
And if I expect him to be leaner, how can I judge with my “soft” spots?
I’m not a Sz 2 model/actress type that roam the streets here ~
who am I to be picky?
Maybe I should accept what interest is shown to me & get this done?

What wins out in the end?
Attraction?
Personality?
If we want/expect to be attracted to our mates, must we live up to that standard we’re setting for them?
This has really left me spinning & questioning myself, how dare I judge him when I’m not perfect? If I want a lean man, should I assume he’ll want the same & I need to diet more?

This experience, on top of the previous half dozen, has left me wanting to take a break.
A friend says she’ll only let me take a week off, but I’m not sure if that’s enough time for my heart.
I’m tired of being alone, but lonely & disappointed is worse.

I’ve recently started back to a job I thought I enjoyed, but in a matter of days I’ve seen myself crash. The grueling hours have sucked any joy I had for it out. And with these hours, I have no time for myself, my business or my dating life.
I do this job to support my business, but I’m left pondering if I was to give up my business, then my financial stresses will feel some relief, then maybe I can find a job with humane hours?
And if I give up my business, why stay here in LA?
Maybe to find the love of my life, I need to move on…
Am I willing to make finding LOVE my priority?

I used to think I loved what I did for a living & loved my business, but I’m beginning to wonder if they’re safety nets to hide in?

I’m too tired to answer these questions right now, but they’ve got me thinking.
I’m sending prayers up.
Maybe its time to move on
xo