Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything! It’s amazing how fast the days go by lately. I would’ve sworn to myself that I posted something earlier this year, but it must have just been the rough drafts that I create in my head & they didn’t actually make it out on to the page…sometimes there’s a lot rattling around up there. Makes me wonder what else I’ve forgotten to say or do that I thought I already had done this year, hmmmmm…oh well, time will tell. For now, I’m back now to share more tales.

I’ll be honest about my disappearing act. I was beginning to censor myself & that’s one thing I don’t really want to do in my writing. I pride myself in my honesty & transparency on the page, so when that wasn’t happening I got quiet. I realized while being open with my life, the sharing of my words could affect others & I wanted to be conscious of that so I took some time to figure it out.

So here’s the truth ~ I broke one of my cardinal rules.  I became Facebook friends with a man, who was a potential romantic interest. I choose to break this rule as it was the mode of “introduction” from a mutual friend, who bless her heart, thought we may be a match. I will admit it was helpful in nosing around a lil to get an idea of who he was, but it also burst the bubble of intrigue that comes with each date as you solve more mysteries about who they are & I found myself already seeing why we wouldn’t work out. But nevermind that as I didn’t let it stop me from meeting up with him. I went in being open-minded with no expectations. At our 1st “not really a date” social interaction, I had a pretty good time (but how could I not at a whiskey tasting where there was 15 men to every gal?!). So I graciously accepted his invite for an actual date the following week (there was definitely more mystery to this one beyond his fb page).

When that date arrived, I was greeted with the information that he too had being doing his Facebook re-con & mentioned how much he enjoyed reading my blog. That thought had never occurred to me! That he’d actually read my posts. I felt strangely exposed, virtually naked sitting there at the restaurant table. I generally try to follow the dating etiquette of never talking about my ex, or past dating disasters, but there he sat knowing it all. I had also figured he might bring a bit of material to the page, but as you know, it promptly shut me up knowing he’d read it.

I know that everything I write I should be able to say it as if that person was right next to me, but sometimes in the early stages of dating & you’re unsure of what you’re feeling, & it helps to process it with friends, or journaling, or blogging (or all of the above) without involving their feelings until you’re sure of your’s…does that make sense?

Long story short, we’re still Facebook friends. We only managed to get 2 dates in before busy schedules & dwindling interest did us in. I’m sure if he reads this, he’d agree too, that we weren’t destined to be. Lesson learned ~ stick to your original rules, they’re there for a good reason!

Seeing as it has been over a year, I do have quite a handful of stories to tell you, but I’d like to share something that’s been bothering me since last weekend.

For the long holiday weekend, I decided to escape away to a cabin in Big Bear, all by myself. It’d be an easy two hour getaway from Los Angeles that feels like a whole other world, exactly what I was looking for.  All I wanted to do this Thanksgiving was cozy up next to a fire & escape into a good book, in solitude, surrounded by nature. I have always dreamed of romantic weekend getaways up there, but had yet to visit, so I decided to stop dreaming & just make it happen ~ solo.

I got the car all packed up. Wine – check, cozy blankets – check, books (mystery adventure – check, witty autobiography – check), snacks – check, & enough yummy sweaters to keep me warm all winter – check, new Adele album downloaded for obnoxious car singalong – check.  I was excited to hit the road. Quality Me time here I come!

I felt so free on the open road (well, after an hour+ of gridlock on the 210 freeway, weren’t people supposed to gathering around a turkey by now?!). Starting over the mountain pass, I couldn’t resist opening the windows for the crisp fresh air. Ahhhhh so good! I hit the crest & as I started down in to the valley side, there it was – snow! Yes! Proof of an actual season, of weather in Southern California. This Colorado girl couldn’t resist, I had to pull over in the turnout & soak up the view as the flakes fell. This trip was off to a great start.

Then I did something I never expected myself to do. When I got to the lodge to check-in, they asked me “how many keys would you like? Two?” “Yeah, 2 would be great, thanks”. What? Why on earth would I need 2 keys? Was I planning on losing one? Did I need a backup? Was I gonna slip one to a handsome gentleman while out on the town? NO. No, none of this was true. The only truth was was that I was embarrassed all of a sudden to admit I was a Party of One. Why was I so concerned about being judged for my singular status? I punched my own self in the gut.

I left the lobby hoping they wouldn’t notice that there was no one else in the car waiting for me. The silly girl with 2 keys. I drove around & found my adorable little cabin on the lake and promptly forgot my single woes. My home for the next few days was glorious ~ the perfect log cabin, rustic mountain-y decor, complete with fireplace. The dream getaway was coming true.

I decided to explore the town a bit and find some dinner before it got too late. If you can’t have turkey, why not order some Thai! With the snow continuing to fall, I wanted to warm my soul, so I ordered a bowl of soup & an entree. As I sat and waited for my order, I watched families scurrying by outside looking for warm places to duck in to. Tables were filled inside the restaurant  with boisterous groups enjoying each other’s company. As the waitress was packing up my order, she asked about utensils “For two?” she innocently asked. I paused, nodded & said yes. YES? Really again? To be fair, I’m not sure if it was my inner fat-girl, or lonely girl responding, afraid of being shamed…either way, I did it to myself AGAIN!

I am a very independent person. I am used to doing many things on my own, it’s not like this is new to me, so why was I having difficulty today owning who I am?

Once nestled back in my cabin, with the fire roaring, I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I knew this weekend was exactly what I’d been needing. The rest of the weekend was beautiful. I woke to a quiet snow covered town, spent the days exploring the Village and nature around the Lake, sipped hot drinks & went to the annual Christmas tree lighting ~ I felt like a local & I loved it.

Yet, it was still nagging at my gut. Why was I ashamed to admit to being solo? What does it matter what a stranger thinks? It dawned on me while I drove home, I’m the one judging myself. I’m ashamed that I haven’t found someone to share my adventures with. I’m ashamed my dream of a family isn’t a reality yet. When asked if I’m married or have kids, I always smile & make some hopeful remark, but truthfully I’m shaming myself on the inside. This weekend brought it to the surface & its time I start accepting the wonderful life I do have. Its good to have dreams & maybe someday they’ll come true, but what is right now is pretty darn awesome.


Dog days…

** Crank up the volume & get your groove on!! **

I was driving about town today & the song “Dog Days are Over” by Florence + the Machine came on, it flashed me back to a night almost 2 years ago after a particularly bad date & belting this song out at the top of my lungs the whole way home. Such a cleansing experience!
Since then it’s kinda turned into a power anthem for me. 
That night I was shouting away all the horrible dates I’d been on, all the men who pushed just a bit too far, & it felt GOOD!
I felt stronger, more “me” knowing what I want & not settling anymore cuz maaaaybe he’ll be different next time.

It was definitely a turning point that night & when I think of the journey of the past year, it couldn’t have happened w/o that night, that experience, that awakening…
Today when I heard it I got that same rejuvenated feeling. 
Maybe its because I’ve been on hiatus for a few days & actually have gotten some sleep, but when I woke today I knew it was gonna be a good day & 
I WAS GLAD TO BE ME & Florence just proved me right!

I’m gonna admit these past few weeks have not been the best, but what doesn’t kill ya makes you stronger, right?

Starting a new job & calling it quits on my first love all in the same week, not the best plan…
Turns out the job is WAY more intense than I anticipated, the hours, the actors…but in some ways it has been my saving grace.
I am so thankful for its distraction, keeping my mind busy & me…just active, versus being a blob on the couch watching “Bridget Jones” over & over
(although I do need a day like that…wish there were some good new rom-coms, oh maybe a new one with Colin Firth…such a sucker for that accent)

I’ve never been through this whole break-up process before ~ first love equals first heartbreak ~ I’d love any advice on what worked for you to help get you through one…

I mean, some days I’m on set surrounded by tons of people & yet I feel so utterly alone. 
So many new faces around me, all of us wrapped up in the chaos of the day…
Right now I feel lost in the shuffle. No one around me knows whats going on, or knows me enough to ask how I’m doing, but yet if I’m asked do I really want to think about it? Better yet, answer truthfully?

The thing I think I miss most is talking to him throughout the day & just knowing that somebody is thinking of you. 
I loved getting the tweet of a text, telling me his latest, asking about mine, two worlds sharing, creating their own… 
He’ s on my mind everyday, I see something cool & I want to share it with him. 
I hear something funny that I know he’ll laugh at & I want to text it, but I know its best not to…
Its a quiet world without the tweets.

Another girlfriend working her way thru a breakup too has been a good motivator of getting me out of the house on the weekends (thank you!) 
Friends & activities are the best medicine!
One night at LACMA, getting our art groove on, I saw how shallow the dating pool has gotten…I don’t think I’m ready for this yet. 
She met a couple of guys while in line for a cocktail, both unemployed, & we’ll just say the guy I got left talking to may have a dead body or two in his basement, he really disturbed me. If I was to create a character after him you’d say I was trying too hard, no one like that exists…yes, yes he does.
(brrrrr, shaking that one off)

A few times these past couple of weeks loneliness has won & I’ve found myself logging into okcupid only to log right back out after a quick scroll…I keep thinking I’m ready to start toying around with dating again, but my immediate physical response once on the site tells me otherwise…
Right now, even though I crave to be in a relationship, none of the process appeals to me…but when it does again, I do have faith I’ll find a good one.

So back to where I began, I woke up feeling great today & I now know why ~ I have spent the past 4 days doing what I love & getting back in touch with myself. I’m okay on my own. I’ve got alot I want to do & that makes me happy. 
My current relationship is going to be with myself for a bit.
Now I think I’ll go woo myself with a glass of red ~ cheers!