Dog days…

** Crank up the volume & get your groove on!! **

I was driving about town today & the song “Dog Days are Over” by Florence + the Machine came on, it flashed me back to a night almost 2 years ago after a particularly bad date & belting this song out at the top of my lungs the whole way home. Such a cleansing experience!
Since then it’s kinda turned into a power anthem for me. 
That night I was shouting away all the horrible dates I’d been on, all the men who pushed just a bit too far, & it felt GOOD!
I felt stronger, more “me” knowing what I want & not settling anymore cuz maaaaybe he’ll be different next time.

It was definitely a turning point that night & when I think of the journey of the past year, it couldn’t have happened w/o that night, that experience, that awakening…
Today when I heard it I got that same rejuvenated feeling. 
Maybe its because I’ve been on hiatus for a few days & actually have gotten some sleep, but when I woke today I knew it was gonna be a good day & 
I WAS GLAD TO BE ME & Florence just proved me right!

I’m gonna admit these past few weeks have not been the best, but what doesn’t kill ya makes you stronger, right?

Starting a new job & calling it quits on my first love all in the same week, not the best plan…
Turns out the job is WAY more intense than I anticipated, the hours, the actors…but in some ways it has been my saving grace.
I am so thankful for its distraction, keeping my mind busy & me…just active, versus being a blob on the couch watching “Bridget Jones” over & over
(although I do need a day like that…wish there were some good new rom-coms, oh maybe a new one with Colin Firth…such a sucker for that accent)

I’ve never been through this whole break-up process before ~ first love equals first heartbreak ~ I’d love any advice on what worked for you to help get you through one…

I mean, some days I’m on set surrounded by tons of people & yet I feel so utterly alone. 
So many new faces around me, all of us wrapped up in the chaos of the day…
Right now I feel lost in the shuffle. No one around me knows whats going on, or knows me enough to ask how I’m doing, but yet if I’m asked do I really want to think about it? Better yet, answer truthfully?

The thing I think I miss most is talking to him throughout the day & just knowing that somebody is thinking of you. 
I loved getting the tweet of a text, telling me his latest, asking about mine, two worlds sharing, creating their own… 
He’ s on my mind everyday, I see something cool & I want to share it with him. 
I hear something funny that I know he’ll laugh at & I want to text it, but I know its best not to…
Its a quiet world without the tweets.

Another girlfriend working her way thru a breakup too has been a good motivator of getting me out of the house on the weekends (thank you!) 
Friends & activities are the best medicine!
One night at LACMA, getting our art groove on, I saw how shallow the dating pool has gotten…I don’t think I’m ready for this yet. 
She met a couple of guys while in line for a cocktail, both unemployed, & we’ll just say the guy I got left talking to may have a dead body or two in his basement, he really disturbed me. If I was to create a character after him you’d say I was trying too hard, no one like that exists…yes, yes he does.
(brrrrr, shaking that one off)

A few times these past couple of weeks loneliness has won & I’ve found myself logging into okcupid only to log right back out after a quick scroll…I keep thinking I’m ready to start toying around with dating again, but my immediate physical response once on the site tells me otherwise…
Right now, even though I crave to be in a relationship, none of the process appeals to me…but when it does again, I do have faith I’ll find a good one.

So back to where I began, I woke up feeling great today & I now know why ~ I have spent the past 4 days doing what I love & getting back in touch with myself. I’m okay on my own. I’ve got alot I want to do & that makes me happy. 
My current relationship is going to be with myself for a bit.
Now I think I’ll go woo myself with a glass of red ~ cheers!

Can things ever be too good to be true?

I’ve definitely felt like I was flying these past few months, or walking on air to say the least. I know in the past I let my brain do a lot of my thinking/feeling for me & it definitely kept looking over the ledge of the building but was too afraid to leap.
When I began writing this blog, bringing you along on my search for love, I had already jumped from the building ledge, and I was flying!
Its such an amazing feeling!
 It has been so easy to share with you these past few months all the fun of our journey together 🙂
But I think we all know life isn’t always just the good moments, & I feel that if I’m truly going to tell my story, you’re gonna get the good with the bad, I wanna keep it real…

Have you ever gotten a sense that something’s off? That feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on? That feeling that then makes you question yourself?

As the weekend was winding down, my honey came over on Sunday for dinner. I was just finishing up some work when he arrived and he seemed a lil antsy as he waited. I knew he was hungry, so I let it go. On the way to dinner, I felt a weird energy, but nothing was really out of the ordinary, conversation was just a lil short.
Once we got seated & relaxed in our booth, our natural rhythm of banter came back.  We were totally “same siders” that night! Usually I prefer across table dining but these booths were huge, so we became one of “those” couples. I find it kind of awkward & neck straining to sit side by side, I mean is it really more intimate? You are still out in public…okay getting off topic, sorry…focus Carlie…

The next night I went over to his place for dinner, wine & viewing of a few episodes our favorite British series “The Secret Diary of a Call Girl” ~ its a really good show, worth a watch 🙂
We got into an interesting conversation about whether one can hold one’s past or current job (i.e. being a call girl) against them IF you are aware & chose to be there?
I think NOT. I feel we need to OWN our choices & decisions. We’re all adults. If all the facts are laid out, what is there to discuss? Its when things are hidden, or just conveniently not mentioned that trouble begins. I believe if honesty is present & trust is given, you’ll end up with someone who’s values match your’s.

The next day after leaving an appointment I had this warm feeling throughout my body. I couldn’t stop smiling. At that moment I felt utterly content, it was ridiculous. I had never felt this calm, yet giddy, happy & serene all wrapped up into one moment. 
I pulled my car over & texted him my feeling Just letting him know I appreciated having him in my life.
Back about my day I went…

I was chatting with Mom later that afternoon, catching her up & in true mom fashion, she was happy for me but began warning me to be careful, she didn’t want to see her lil girl get hurt. 
And in my true hopeless romantic fashion, I told her I craved the pain of getting hurt, because to know that pain I’d have had to experience the other extreme of JOY & LOVE….silly girl…one too many Jane Austin novels for me.

A few hours later, this lil nagging voice was back in my head. 
My intuition had been trying to get my attention a couple of days ago but I kept ignoring it. Sitting with it for a few minutes, my gut began to ache. There was someone else. I felt it.

I grabbed my laptop & decided to check the site we met on – good for me, it shows when you last logged on, bad for him…1p that afternoon. I felt sick.
I knew I didn’t want to ask him about it over the phone & since we were having lunch the next day, I’d ask him then.
My mind replayed the past few days over & over, was it something I said, I did? What’s changed? Why? Have I been being played for a fool this whole time? But how? – we saw each other all the time, maybe even too much…

It was the loooongest night. 
I was worthless in my class the next morning. I kept trying to focus, all the while I built my walls back up to hid behind.

He met me back at my place for lunch. And when I opened the door, I just melted into his arms. When we’re together, my mind can stop racing & I can just feel. He felt so good.
He was there right in front of me. I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him. I held him as close as I could & led him to my room.
The afternoon sun shone in on my bed as we made love. It felt so good.
As we picnic-ed in bed, I knew I had to face my fears & bring it up.
He knew it was coming…god bless technology, it had shown him that I saw he had been online.

He is fascinated by online dating, & I almost can’t quite blame him as someone who hasn’t dated in 20 years, it is a strange world to behold! Turns out he likes to voyeuristically check it out…okay, not sure how I’m feeling bout that, but can live with it, just as he says BUT,
I’ve been emailing with an old crush & she just turned things romantic on me this week & has invited me to visit her.

Yep, pretty sure my heart stopped beating at that moment.
Did not see that one coming.
I knew immediately he had to go, I mean maybe this is the woman he’s meant to be with, I can’t hold him back. We were too new to say “stay, pick me”, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t.
I didn’t want him to have any “what if’s” or “should have’s” later, I mean that sucks & leads you to always questioning your happiness…
No living in the past, no regrets!

Unfortunately we lost track of time & he was late to pick up the kids at school, so we kind of left it just hanging out there…

to be continued…


Modern dating 😉

The day had finally arrived to meet in person. 
We had been chatting for a couple of weeks via okcupid & now the time had come to actually have some voice-on-voice, face-on-face contact – oh dear god!

We had figured out Thursday, but the “where” part not so much…
He offers to come my side of town (a very chivalrous move in a large traffic-filled city!)
A move I would’ve said “no” to prior to Marni, I always liked a middle ground meeting spot, with an easy exit strategy, but I was gonna play by her rules, god help me, so I said sure come to my area.

Now not being familiar with my area, he suggests I pick a spot. 
Oh my god – the pressure! Where I picks reflects so much about me – am I hip? In the know of the coolest spot? I don’t wanna go too expensive, but NOTHING corporate chain-like…I wonder what he likes? I freeze!
I message out to all my girls – any good spot recommendations for a 1st date? Low-key, casual, cool?
I’m getting no responses back.
I’m totally leaving him hanging, but I’m working on it…really
I email him late the night before with no options, I failed
His response, somewhat jokingly “Nothing like leaving a guy to sweat it out over here” (oops)…we go with his assistant’s suggestion “The Griffin”, a groovy local bar I had been wanting to check out (& completely spaced on)- YAY assistant! Give him a raise!

**A lil side note, he apparently got razzed by all his friend’s for putting the ball in my court, which is probably why he swooped in & saved the date. I guess they were saying it put me in an awkward position, BUT I did see his reasoning, it totally made sense to have the local girl pick the spot. It was all my own self-imposed angst causing my trouble 😉

We’ve got the day, the place, all we needed was the time – 6pm he suggests. 6pm really? Huh, kinda early, but I guess if its a dud, we cut our losses & salvage our own respective evenings. Done – the date is on!

I got all dolled up (a skirt, some heels ~ finally a tall one I could wear heels with), mad-dashed it to get a mani, got the manicurists  all involved & excited for me, I mean their work could be helping me find love!
I was actually REALLY looking forward to this date!
**sorry, another lil side note, ladies ~ dress like a lady, something that makes you feel pretty, no jeans! Have fun embracing your femininity! I’m just sayin…

I’m cutting it close to the 6 at this point, pulling out some mad driving techniques, I can’t be late.
His 1st glimpse of me ~ reversing crazily down a residential street, a quick smile & a wave, yep he saw that it was me…

Surprise ~ we have the whole bar pretty much to ourselves – 6pm who knew? I love it.
We grab a drink & cozy into a corner. The conversation just flowed, we laughed, we drank, ate some, talked more…next thing you know its almost midnight!
I haven’t had a date this great in who knows how long!
I think I like this guy 😉

Walks me to my car & is ever the gentleman, he gives me a hug goodnight, that’s all, a long warm hug.
Oh man I want to see him again!
I hope he feels the same…

Online dating follies

Why wasn’t I paying attention
in chemistry class?

So to catch you up ~ I had hired a dating coach, Marni,  who turned out to be more of my life coach at the beginning – we got my life in motion, launched a new business, left my time-consuming, life-sucking job, starting doing more things I enjoyed, caught up with friends…I got to a really happy place.

Time to tackle the dating arena now! Online she sent me.
I was a lil hesitant about it, based on past experiences, and also the fact that I feel its just a weird way to meet a potential mate (cuz of course, I’m still stuck on the “swelling music in the background as your eyes lock for the 1st time in a random meeting at the coffee shop” hoopla)

First round ~ ~ 3 month subscription, bring it, I’m ready!
I come out “winking” like a mad woman at any somewhat decent profile.
No responses…okay, that’s alright…
A friend tells me I should just LOOK at their profile, so they see I checked them out & then let them be the 1st to make the move, you know you don’t wanna come on TOO strong & emasculate them…blah, blah, blah…
Hmmmmm…was beginning to think I’m checking out all the fake profiles posted to entice quality women in…
I start taking it personally – NEVER DO THAT! (but its kinda hard not to)

So, I’m telling Marni about my non-progress & she suggests She’s got clients having success there & its FREE! Sign me up!
I give her a look at my profile, eh I kinda passed. She gave me a “B”, but I’m an “A+ overachiever” kinda gal, so we tweaked away until we got to a profile that was a shining me (it helps to have an outsider’s perspective of you, just sayin)
Then I got schooled in the “you don’t just wink!” (then why is it there??), you send them a quick lil message commenting on something you’ve read in their profile  – these are the obvious reasons why I need a dating coach!

Second round ~ ~ First I gotta say, ladies there are some QUALITY men WITH jobs on this site – check it out!
I was a message fool! Once I was shown the way, I was out of control, chatting up all sorts of types of guys – I was actually having fun!
Then…I get this really funny, interesting message in my inbox from someone I hadn’t approached…he was handsome, witty, had a job, was TALL (hard to find these days in L.A.). I was definitely intrigued.
The only thing holding me back was that he had kids, I wasn’t sure where my maternal instincts lied, but that could bring a dimension I wasn’t sure I was ready for, I mean, ex’s & all…eh
But of all the conversations I was having, the ones with him were the most interesting.
Ok, talked myself into it, meeting up for 1 drink couldn’t hurt ~ it’ll just be a fun evening out =)

Our FIRST date was set – 6pm(????) on a Thursday @ The Griffin…