Is it the caffeine or you making my heart beat faster?

Ok, so since we last chatted, there has been another blind date ~ 
#2 for those keeping count 😉

Our introduction came through a very dear friend & she knows my penchant for nice guys, so it was a no-brainer. 
Thanks girl!!
We already knew he was nice from im’s, texts, & brief phone calls (so many ways to communicate these days w/o ever meeting – crazy!!)…now came the actual face to face time!!

Let me set the stage for you ~ 
I seemed to have passed the “starter communication” stages & he asked me if I’d like to grab coffee or lunch during the week?
“Sure,” I say, “I’m working & my schedule can be a lil unpredictable, is it ok if we play the when/where/how by ear?”
He was totally cool with it, flexible – 1 point for #2
I will forever appreciate a guy who’s cool to roll with the punches of my work hours, cuz I can sure as hell get cranky with my lack of control over my schedule 😉

Soooo coffee or lunch turned into a phone call from me at 8:30p saying I was free, still interested?
I had brought my cute dress to work, make up, heels ~ I was ready!
Figuring at this time of night maybe, just maybe, it’d turn into a drink instead (cuz I really needed a glass of wine to unwind…not coffee)

Nope, brightly lit Starbucks it was.
Now this fact started a flurry of questions in my head ~ most importantly, is he a 
I know it may be wrong to judge on this life choice, but I have visions of long, romantic wine-tasting weekends away together and I want to SHARE the experience with my man, not have a designated driver!

He asks me to text him when I park & he’ll come meet me
Or LAPD protective-mode behavior? 
(oh, did I mention he was a cop, now K-9 bomb squad?)

Starting to see how I over-think or analyze everything?
I think I need to hit the “pause” button on my brain sometimes & just enjoy!!

We grab our coffee (decaf!) & head out to the patio to enjoy the beautiful evening
Did you know they close it at 9?..
Back inside we went til we got kicked out 9:30!!!
It was a quick date…

Not quite enough time to gather a lot info…you KNOW I still had questions 😉
Do we share similar interests?
Was there any chemistry?
Or was it my macchiato jacking me up?
Does he drink? (yeah, funnily that didn’t work its way into conversation on our 25 min date) 
Would I want to kiss him?

Only way to answer all these questions ~ a 2nd date…

Except I think for all the questions I was having, the actual answers truly laid in me trusting my intuition.
I really didn’t “feel” like we were a match, buuuuuut a lil doubt kept nudging me ~
How do you know?
Maybe you’ll learn to find him attractive… 
*(he actually is a very nice looking gentleman, but reminded me of my uncle – couldn’t go there)
Maybe he was nervous?
Maybe I’m hiding behind excuses?
Why should I trust my gut? Its track record ain’t the best

Of course I didn’t keep these questions to myself & asked for other’s advice on how they “knew”?
I got a lot of “it took 6 or so dates, but he grew on me”, “1st meeting he disgusted me, 19 years later I couldn’t be happier”.

Is it wrong to want to be excited for a 2nd date? 
To have giddy butterflies in your stomach?

I’ve been studying lately about energies & what we put out to the Universe.
Its pretty amazing what others can pick up even if you’re not aware of the exact message you’re sending.
So, wouldn’t the 2nd date in theory already be a bust if you’re not excited about it?
Can you fake the excitement in the “getting to know you” phase?

Can he tell if your faking it? 😉

Alright, let’s just cut to the 2nd date ~
Yes, he asked me to dinner
& I agreed – are you kidding, I needed answers!

I think the BIGGEST answer came a couple of hours before our date.
He texted to say hi, & set our plans.
Now, I had gotten off work early (a fact I didn’t feel like sharing with him) & popped by a local outdoor mall to get some design inspiration.
Turned out he was actually there too.
I did an about-face & bolted to my car so fast it was not funny.
Not a good sign, right?
I could try & blame it on the fact I was in the same dress I had worn to our coffee date
(oh the horror of him seeing me in it twice -ha!)

But if I was truly looking forward to it, I would’ve admitted I was there too & possibly had a fun impromptu afternoon/evening…

I’m sure you’ve probably gathered by now that the 2nd date didn’t see fireworks. 
I will say it was a perfectly lovely evening.
He was gentlemanly, talkative, attentive.
He’s a great guy, just not my guy…

 My inbox lately has been  full of messages on “how to attract mr right”, “what makes guys choose you”, “find him before summer ends”…its a summer dating bonanza & they all entice you from your place of want, & punch you in your place of lack.
I find with each one I open I’m questioning my greatness & who I am. 
I must FIX myself to achieve these desires.
While their messages say “if love yourself & he’ll love you” (truly the best advice I’ve ever heard!), they also say you need to follow their steps to find success in love.
Are you trying to change me?
I’m confused.

I think I’m going to hang-up the self-help for a bit & just try
to be ME.
We’ll see how that goes 😉

First up, speed dating tomorrow night!!
Stay tuned, I’m sure there’ll be stories!!

Appropriate, no?

Can things ever be too good to be true?

I’ve definitely felt like I was flying these past few months, or walking on air to say the least. I know in the past I let my brain do a lot of my thinking/feeling for me & it definitely kept looking over the ledge of the building but was too afraid to leap.
When I began writing this blog, bringing you along on my search for love, I had already jumped from the building ledge, and I was flying!
Its such an amazing feeling!
 It has been so easy to share with you these past few months all the fun of our journey together 🙂
But I think we all know life isn’t always just the good moments, & I feel that if I’m truly going to tell my story, you’re gonna get the good with the bad, I wanna keep it real…

Have you ever gotten a sense that something’s off? That feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on? That feeling that then makes you question yourself?

As the weekend was winding down, my honey came over on Sunday for dinner. I was just finishing up some work when he arrived and he seemed a lil antsy as he waited. I knew he was hungry, so I let it go. On the way to dinner, I felt a weird energy, but nothing was really out of the ordinary, conversation was just a lil short.
Once we got seated & relaxed in our booth, our natural rhythm of banter came back.  We were totally “same siders” that night! Usually I prefer across table dining but these booths were huge, so we became one of “those” couples. I find it kind of awkward & neck straining to sit side by side, I mean is it really more intimate? You are still out in public…okay getting off topic, sorry…focus Carlie…

The next night I went over to his place for dinner, wine & viewing of a few episodes our favorite British series “The Secret Diary of a Call Girl” ~ its a really good show, worth a watch 🙂
We got into an interesting conversation about whether one can hold one’s past or current job (i.e. being a call girl) against them IF you are aware & chose to be there?
I think NOT. I feel we need to OWN our choices & decisions. We’re all adults. If all the facts are laid out, what is there to discuss? Its when things are hidden, or just conveniently not mentioned that trouble begins. I believe if honesty is present & trust is given, you’ll end up with someone who’s values match your’s.

The next day after leaving an appointment I had this warm feeling throughout my body. I couldn’t stop smiling. At that moment I felt utterly content, it was ridiculous. I had never felt this calm, yet giddy, happy & serene all wrapped up into one moment. 
I pulled my car over & texted him my feeling Just letting him know I appreciated having him in my life.
Back about my day I went…

I was chatting with Mom later that afternoon, catching her up & in true mom fashion, she was happy for me but began warning me to be careful, she didn’t want to see her lil girl get hurt. 
And in my true hopeless romantic fashion, I told her I craved the pain of getting hurt, because to know that pain I’d have had to experience the other extreme of JOY & LOVE….silly girl…one too many Jane Austin novels for me.

A few hours later, this lil nagging voice was back in my head. 
My intuition had been trying to get my attention a couple of days ago but I kept ignoring it. Sitting with it for a few minutes, my gut began to ache. There was someone else. I felt it.

I grabbed my laptop & decided to check the site we met on – good for me, it shows when you last logged on, bad for him…1p that afternoon. I felt sick.
I knew I didn’t want to ask him about it over the phone & since we were having lunch the next day, I’d ask him then.
My mind replayed the past few days over & over, was it something I said, I did? What’s changed? Why? Have I been being played for a fool this whole time? But how? – we saw each other all the time, maybe even too much…

It was the loooongest night. 
I was worthless in my class the next morning. I kept trying to focus, all the while I built my walls back up to hid behind.

He met me back at my place for lunch. And when I opened the door, I just melted into his arms. When we’re together, my mind can stop racing & I can just feel. He felt so good.
He was there right in front of me. I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him. I held him as close as I could & led him to my room.
The afternoon sun shone in on my bed as we made love. It felt so good.
As we picnic-ed in bed, I knew I had to face my fears & bring it up.
He knew it was coming…god bless technology, it had shown him that I saw he had been online.

He is fascinated by online dating, & I almost can’t quite blame him as someone who hasn’t dated in 20 years, it is a strange world to behold! Turns out he likes to voyeuristically check it out…okay, not sure how I’m feeling bout that, but can live with it, just as he says BUT,
I’ve been emailing with an old crush & she just turned things romantic on me this week & has invited me to visit her.

Yep, pretty sure my heart stopped beating at that moment.
Did not see that one coming.
I knew immediately he had to go, I mean maybe this is the woman he’s meant to be with, I can’t hold him back. We were too new to say “stay, pick me”, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t.
I didn’t want him to have any “what if’s” or “should have’s” later, I mean that sucks & leads you to always questioning your happiness…
No living in the past, no regrets!

Unfortunately we lost track of time & he was late to pick up the kids at school, so we kind of left it just hanging out there…

to be continued…