Dog days…

** Crank up the volume & get your groove on!! **

I was driving about town today & the song “Dog Days are Over” by Florence + the Machine came on, it flashed me back to a night almost 2 years ago after a particularly bad date & belting this song out at the top of my lungs the whole way home. Such a cleansing experience!
Since then it’s kinda turned into a power anthem for me. 
That night I was shouting away all the horrible dates I’d been on, all the men who pushed just a bit too far, & it felt GOOD!
I felt stronger, more “me” knowing what I want & not settling anymore cuz maaaaybe he’ll be different next time.

It was definitely a turning point that night & when I think of the journey of the past year, it couldn’t have happened w/o that night, that experience, that awakening…
Today when I heard it I got that same rejuvenated feeling. 
Maybe its because I’ve been on hiatus for a few days & actually have gotten some sleep, but when I woke today I knew it was gonna be a good day & 
I WAS GLAD TO BE ME & Florence just proved me right!

I’m gonna admit these past few weeks have not been the best, but what doesn’t kill ya makes you stronger, right?

Starting a new job & calling it quits on my first love all in the same week, not the best plan…
Turns out the job is WAY more intense than I anticipated, the hours, the actors…but in some ways it has been my saving grace.
I am so thankful for its distraction, keeping my mind busy & me…just active, versus being a blob on the couch watching “Bridget Jones” over & over
(although I do need a day like that…wish there were some good new rom-coms, oh maybe a new one with Colin Firth…such a sucker for that accent)

I’ve never been through this whole break-up process before ~ first love equals first heartbreak ~ I’d love any advice on what worked for you to help get you through one…

I mean, some days I’m on set surrounded by tons of people & yet I feel so utterly alone. 
So many new faces around me, all of us wrapped up in the chaos of the day…
Right now I feel lost in the shuffle. No one around me knows whats going on, or knows me enough to ask how I’m doing, but yet if I’m asked do I really want to think about it? Better yet, answer truthfully?

The thing I think I miss most is talking to him throughout the day & just knowing that somebody is thinking of you. 
I loved getting the tweet of a text, telling me his latest, asking about mine, two worlds sharing, creating their own… 
He’ s on my mind everyday, I see something cool & I want to share it with him. 
I hear something funny that I know he’ll laugh at & I want to text it, but I know its best not to…
Its a quiet world without the tweets.

Another girlfriend working her way thru a breakup too has been a good motivator of getting me out of the house on the weekends (thank you!) 
Friends & activities are the best medicine!
One night at LACMA, getting our art groove on, I saw how shallow the dating pool has gotten…I don’t think I’m ready for this yet. 
She met a couple of guys while in line for a cocktail, both unemployed, & we’ll just say the guy I got left talking to may have a dead body or two in his basement, he really disturbed me. If I was to create a character after him you’d say I was trying too hard, no one like that exists…yes, yes he does.
(brrrrr, shaking that one off)

A few times these past couple of weeks loneliness has won & I’ve found myself logging into okcupid only to log right back out after a quick scroll…I keep thinking I’m ready to start toying around with dating again, but my immediate physical response once on the site tells me otherwise…
Right now, even though I crave to be in a relationship, none of the process appeals to me…but when it does again, I do have faith I’ll find a good one.

So back to where I began, I woke up feeling great today & I now know why ~ I have spent the past 4 days doing what I love & getting back in touch with myself. I’m okay on my own. I’ve got alot I want to do & that makes me happy. 
My current relationship is going to be with myself for a bit.
Now I think I’ll go woo myself with a glass of red ~ cheers!

Time to heal

I know the last time I wrote I shared how we realized we were in different places within the relationship & choices needed to be made…I thought we were done.

Well, turns out I just wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye and neither was he. 
 We continued to chat, to text, to hang out…
It was almoooost the same

Of course, that was just me fooling myself & trying to convince myself to maintain some hope, that he’ll realize how great we are, were…whatever. 
For example, shortly after my last posting he invited me to 2 different events he was doing with his boys, as a “friend”, cool, whatever made him comfortable I told myself. 
He’s making an effort, right?
A glimmer of hope.

Inviting me to a work function ~ more hope 🙂
Not even making it outta the house that night to the event ~ bigger swells of hope
Asking if I’d like my keys back that night (a HUGE act I IGNORED like a post-O fool) 
Asking to come visit at lunch next day, & actually shares a problem he’s having ~ feeling closer, almost like we’re a couple
Asking me to happy hour the next day ~ super great & fun evening!
Says he’ll miss me while out of town ~awwwww

I’m hooked again…

Only I can’t shake the feeling I’m not what he’s looking for. I don’t measure up.
I’m afraid to be me, to say what I’m thinking, to do anything that’ll make him find me unattractive again.
(*note to any men reading, please never tell a woman you found her unattractive, she’ll never forget it & it stings)

I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be how we were, act how I used to with him, but I don’t want to be chasing after him or trying to convince him why me & not someone else…

He’s made his choice abundantly clear time & time again, he wants to date others & not be in a relationship ~ only NOW did I FINALLY get it in my head & my heart.

Its funny how often I’ve heard “I don’t want to be in a relationship”.
One guy I briefly dated, who said this, just married the girl who came right after me…and another one is engaged!
It leads me down my familiar path of “what’s so wrong with me that no guy wants to hang around?”
I hate this path, its self-destructive & I’m asking for all your help to stop me if you see me going down this road – please!!

Last Saturday, we celebrated our year together with the gift I gave him/us ~ a night of music from Pixar @ the Bowl.
It was a wonderful & magical, beautiful & emotional evening.
I’m glad we went out on a high note!! 

I need some time to heal & have asked for some space. 
I know we’ll be friends & in each other’s lives for a long while, but for now I’ve got to find ME again.

I’ll keep y’all posted on my journey 😉
To my first love ~ thank you for the laughter, the smiles, the fun. Thank you for teaching me how to love & be loved. Thank for making me feel special & beautiful & safe. I will forever cherish our memories. xo ~ red