To hope or not to hope…

 hope:  a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen…

I’ve been in a real introspective state these past few weeks, a lot of questions to myself ~ who am I? who do I want to be? what makes me happy? what do I want out of this life?

And through this personal interrogation, I have found that I’ve been quite happy over this past month ~ I’ve finally got my groove at work, my social life has kept me booked, I’ve been working out, finding a new love for my body & an appreciation of it’s strength…
So of course this daily joy has me questioning it 😉
Ha! Can’t a girl just be happy? 

What really got my mind whirling was the sudden burst of tears this week at a picture of a friend’s beautiful newborn baby girl ~ what is with me & this river????
I mean, I’m happy, right?
Life is good, things are falling in to place, I’ve got a good job, my business is taking off, I’m surrounded with amazing friends & family ~ why is this adorable cherubic face bringing me tears?

Since the break up, I’ve been going back though the things Marni, my amazing dating coach, has taught me & thinking about my “wants” & my non-negotiables.
What I dug down to was something I’ve been afraid to say out loud for a long long time…
If I admit to wanting this & it’s not in the cards, can I handle the pain?
Is it easier to play it safe?
Or does that hurt more now, knowing my true feelings?
Can I ignore them? Will they go away if not encouraged?
Or do I just put it out there??!!!

Ugh, I know the answer to that one…you can’t have what you don’t ask for, right?
I’ve always been the ambivalent one of my friend’s, on the fence about my feelings on this, indecisive mostly, but it’s time to be honest…
Oh this makes me nervous…

Ok, here it goes, I long to have a family, to be a part of a unit (as a friend eloquently termed it), to have people to care for, to love, & to worry about.
My definition is still vague as to what exactly that is for me ~
~ it could be just be me & him
~ us & a fish, a cat, a dog, whatever
 ~ us & a baby
~ us & existing families
I’m open to it all, whatever the Universe brings my way
(please, please bring it my way, feeling vulnerable here now that I’ve put it out there…)

Some of the moments when I felt truly content during this past year’s relationship was the rare times I got to take care of him. I got a rush going to the grocery store & planning a dinner to cook for him ~ it scared me, who is this girl? I don’t like to cook, don’t even know how, but I wanted to for him.
I wanted to embrace it, but sensed it may have scared him too, it was maybe too relationship-y.

Ok, well back to the unleashed faucet of tears, which made another appearance tonight as I watched one man explain his realization of his purpose here on earth to be a father & the joy it brings ~ thank god the room was dark & the spotlight on him, I was a mess!!

My hope has been waning lately. 
The reality is it may not happen for me.
And I should be prepared for that, but I’d much rather plug my ears, close my eyes, & lalala that thought away…
 I know I should keep the faith, but sometimes its hard.
Inching towards 39, is not in the prime dating bracket, men worry about the ticking clocks, its too much pressure, I get it.
But I can’t worry about them, I’m just going to ask for what I’d like & see who sticks.

Here’s to hoping!!
Cheers, xo

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