Time to be real with myself

RKO RADIO PICTURES SUSPENSE: Cary Grant plays a spy in love with a woman (Ingrid Bergman) who he assigns to seduce a Nazi in Alfred Hitchcock’s Notorious. / handout
 Okay, a lil re-cap where we left off since its been a while ~
He’s in Australia for another week.
I’m in Los Angeles, struggling with trying to be strong & not go full-on into  heartbroken mode…I want to hold true to the love I know I have for him, but how long does one do that without looking foolish? Really?

When I saw this picture from the film “Notorious”, it immediately grabbed me. I could feel this deep love they had for each other & yet there’s a sense of longing, of wishing their obligations weren’t pulling them apart. 
Neither wanting to let go, but knowing it must happen.
His close embrace soaking up her essence, hoping to remember her softness, her scent.
Her quiet resolve to the situation, letting these last few minutes be precious…its moments like these to me that is love, not the showy bits but the quiet connection bits!
(I really must go watch this movie now!)

Ok, back to us..
So we started to communicate a lil more via email after our 11:11 re-connect. Slowly.
A short email here. A polite response there…
I think we were both kind of feeling each other out, neither sure where the other stood & afraid to state it ourselves…

During his time away, I began to dip my toe back into the online dating pool, purely to test the water ~ was it warm & inviting? chilly? leaves floating in it?
I did a bit of updating to my profile, added a pic on a day I was feeling particularly pretty 😉 Did a lil “shopping”…but no one was catching my eye.
Now I know it was way too early to seriously consider power dating again, but I needed to gut-check myself & see if it peeked my interest at all ~ it didn’t! 

Realizing my heart was still invested with him, I made the decision to let him know.
Our emails were okay. He was always saying nice things. They just missed that connection I knew we had. They were safe.
 Seeing his name in my inbox, I would get a rush of excitement to read it, only to feel “eh” after reading it…why?
What was at the root?
ME!

After reading back through our emails from that week, I knew my sterile, simply worded responses were creating what was being mirrored right back to me! 
Here I go ~ playing it safe AGAIN!! 
Goddammit all this work on myself & I’m repeating old patterns!!! UGHHHHH!!!
Why would he respond with the loving words I longed to here if I was giving him “hi. how are you?”…oh I can be so silly & stubborn!

I decided it was time to crawl out from behind my walls, expose my feelings, be raw, be naked, be free.
Okay, well baby steps…I climbed out on the limb via email (while I knew he was on a 15+ hours flight back)

I told him how much I had been missing him, how I had been holding back & why. I bared myself & it felt good!
My heart raced as I hit send, but I felt a calmness too, I guess I knew even if his response wasn’t what I hoped to hear, at least I said what I felt, I mean ACTUALLY said it, I’ve NEVER done that!

I woke the next morning to the sound of a text.
He just landed & got my “wonderful” email – (I took that as a good sign). 
Jet-lagged, he was off to bed. 
I was off to work, with a smile on my face. I had a good feeling. 

** I must give a shout out of thanks to Ms. Marni Battista, my dating/life coach, who without her I’d just keep on repeating my same old sh*t – thanks for holding up the mirror & making me take responsibility for the life i WANT to live!!

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