Be careful what you ask for…

After he left, I gave myself the afternoon to fall apart, process, do whatever I felt when I felt it.
What surprised me was this sense of calmness that came over me, oh don’t get me wrong my heart was breaking, but at that moment all I wanted to do was wish him well.

I pulled out my phone & decided to send him an email. 
Its funny cuz I would have thought I’d have been beyond angry or wounded, but I still cherished what we had and wanted to thank him for it.
He had given me more love & taught me more about myself in a few short months than years of mini relationships.
My heart just wanted him to be happy, if it wasn’t going to be with me its better we find that out now. 

For all the questions & doubts whirling through my head, my initial natural instinct has always been to assume it was ME, I’m not enough something – pretty enough, funny enough, good enough kisser, smart enough, you name it…commence self doubting

A couple of hours later, I received an email back ~ Subject line: You are remarkable.
I read through my tears a wonderful email, helping me to understand where he was at, how much we have helped each other and to see it wasn’t me, just knowing this all gave me a sense of “it’ll all be okay”, whatever it is meant to be, will be right.

Now I’d be lying if I said I stayed in this kind of zen place towards it all. It was a roller coaster of emotions week.
Tuesday I was angry, felt betrayed, hurt.
Wednesday was back to a lil sad…
Thursday, feeling like why waste time being all mopey, if you want to see him, say so while he’s still in town

I think I’ve mentioned before how I rarely ever “future-talk” with men, too risky to assume they’ll be around by the time the event shows up. 
Well, he had kinda broke me of that habit & we had done all sorts of future talking, not big stuff but fun stuff 😉
One being the annual concert Gary Sinise & his Lt. Dan Band throw for the crew of CSI:NY, I had wanted to take him to this cuz its so much fun & it was music I knew he’d love. It was Friday night of that week…
So much debate went on in my head if I should re-offer my previous invite & it boiled down to I missed him, still loved him, knew he’d enjoy it & we’d have a fantastic time together.

I invited.
He accepted, with some hesitation (purely out of not wanting to hurt me any more).
I assured him I was fine, I wanted to sing & dance the night away, just enjoying the present moment with him.

It couldn’t have been more fun!

As the night wound down, he asked me if I’d like to join him the next night at Halloween Horror Nights, – another future-talking event I had figured was no more.
He told me to sleep on it & let him know in the morning.
Of course I wanted to go!

So, I met him outside Universal Studios that evening, thinking I was joining him with a group of friends, but it turned out just to be the 2 of us 🙂
We grabbed a bite on the Citywalk & then ventured into the park. 

I am a complete scared-y cat when it comes to anything horror, but I also love pushing myself just to the limit. My stomach was in knots in the anticipation of being scared to death! I did a much worse number on my own mind than the actual zombies!

Another FUN night! 
He held me close & kept me safe the whole time. A horror fanatic & frequent visitor to this annually, he maneuvered the park with finesse, knowing what I could handle & would enjoy – thank you babe!!

Later at my car it was soooo hard to say goodnight/goodbye.
This was probably it before he flew out.
We kissed, we hugged, we found every excuse to stand there longer.
Ok, gotta go, gotta do it, we climbed into our cars.

A knock at my kitchen door, there he was.
My heart soared with excitement.
I know this isn’t gonna make things any easier but I was so glad he showed up.

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